Collecting a few thoughts here and there.
Commonality and yet disparate.
Conversations overflowing.
Mind attempting to focus.

There is a part of me that pushes.
Struggles with limitation-
Sees a picture larger, more detailed, richer color than this world contains.
It wreaks havoc, manifests chaos, makes life very, very messy.

This part shows most when I paint.
Layer upon layer of color and streak, muck and scratching.
Searching, striving to put onto canvas something inside of me.
Complexity spills forth.
Can I be any different?

It would be so much less work,
Require so much less energy to live life less deeply,
To not feel the burden to put down what I 'see'.

And yet I still run away.
I still avoid.
I refuse to engage even though I see exactly what is happening.
After all, it isn't always rewarding, holding up the mirror or letting people see the crazy thoughts inside one's head. And there is so much crazy up in here.

A lot of times, I can ignore the crazy, keep it under wraps. But when I sit down to paint, I can feel the frustration rising. Something isn't worked out here yet.
When I speak, really speak about life, I can see it in the dull reflection of their eyes. It's not that what I say isn't true, but it's so different from what everyone knows. I feel it keenly. It separates me and I hate separation.

It makes me restless.
My mind, it leaves me restless.
The awareness of the separation, complexity, difference and responsibility lead to frustration and the frustration to restlessness.
Now I could accept the limits.
I could give up trying to paint that picture inside my head.
I have tried.
But it haunts. It begs to be painted. It cries to be lived.
So I follow its echo through the chambers of life into caverns unexplored.
I may cross lines that shouldn't be crossed.
I may live a life with great disappointment and persistent restlessness.
But I will have tried.
I will have followed the Call on my life.