my life...pictures of you, pictures of me, for whatever reason that is going through my head right now.
You know what? I go to work now every day and while I don't like getting up in the morning,[I just wish there were some way for me to get coffee right by my bed every morning so I could just start pumping the caffeine. I just hate getting out of bed!] I enjoy working with the kids and I enjoy using the gifts given to me to enter into their lives. I still don't like helping them with homework. I just have zeeeeroo patience for it. I need to learn to say things in different ways. I can't tell if they don't understand what I'm saying because I said it too fast or it was just too much information the first time through or if I should rephrase it. And sometimes I honestly get sick of trying to find different ways to rephrase it. JUST GET IT FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!! I have such a hard time understanding why they can't just get it because I get it. ok i do understand but it doesn't make it any easier to explain. And it brings back so many lovely memories of childhood--trying to make my classmates understand what i'm saying and just getting blank stares.
but i am starting to see glimpses of God in this culture-or maybe a better way to say it is I'm starting to catch glimpses of how God see this culture. or maybe both. anyways i see ways to love these people and i also see through the cracks in their armor. i see little bits of light shining through, bits of hope. its encouraging. i also see why God has me out here--for myself more than anything else. I mean I will love people and show God to them no matter where I go. I will work my butt off to do the best that I can for others, even if it means I'm miserable. But here is a job where yes I work hard and yes there are things I don't like about it like calling random places and planning things. I hate calling people, but all in all, I enjoy it. Like hey this could be a real job some day. Maybe not specifically in an after school tutoring program that is so academic focused...but something...ministry oriented.
in other news i am at a crossroads. one that only time will determine. it is a question of an ideal that i hold and the abandoning of that ideal, not because its not been useful, but more because it has served its time and needs to retire. its an ideal though that has served to protect me for quite some time and probably for good reason. and i fear losing this protection. i fear having to truly engage. i fear the possible pain and work and commitment. And i would rather hold out for this ideal, that doesn't really exist, as an excuse to keep myself from engaging in the real thing.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
It's such a waste of time
Is it sad that the one thing I look forward to every night when I go to sleep is my cup of coffee in the morning? I mean it is coupled with my devotions but I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t get out of bed for my devotions like I’ll get out of bed for my coffee. But hey, whatever it takes.
It’s the simple things in life after all that make it livable.
Today for MLK Day, we took the kids ice skating (many of them their first time) and then to the Newark Museum where they had a bunch of activities centered around MLK Day. While the kids were still chaotic, it’s so much easier to relate to them outside of the school setting. It was definitely a good day.
I am beginning to really love them. I’m not just doing the right things because I know what the right things are to do, but because I care. I can fake caring about people so easily. Maybe fake isn’t the right word. But I can do the right things to make a person feel cared for even when my heart isn’t in it. I find myself doing them without even realizing it even while my heart and attitude are throwing fits. It is some of that Bonhoeffer thought process…that one cannot always expect the feelings to come before the action. Sometimes we must act in order to feel anything.
I wonder if that’s my problem with guys. I want to feel something fantastic before I act, but maybe its that I must trust someone first before I can really feel that something fantastic. Probably is true. But my trusting guys record isn’t exactly stellar. I tend to pick the ones that aren’t really trustworthy in the first place. Oh well I’m still waiting.
I think I may have made some friends this weekend--at least some connections where the people aren’t automatically suspicious of me. This church Erica and I have gone to now a few times has a large post college population which is good for my social life…aka the friends. But I miss the depth and experience of an older church. I appreciate having those older adults that I can see their faith alive after 25-30 yrs of marriage, after raising teenagers, after dealing with death and illness, after money and job loss. People who have lived life and survived because of their faith. I need that proof, that witness otherwise I feel like a crazy person. So I think I’ll stay here for awhile to establish the friends because well let’s face it I need friends. But I pray God provides some other ways for me to connect with the older generation for mentoring.
A bit of a rant--we had a house meeting yesterday afternoon--right as I started my nap. Now that’s not a good idea to interrupt my nap. I hate house meetings. I hate talking about money. I hate listening to people critique and criticize the little nit picky stuff. I hate it. To me if someone can sit down and recall every little detail of how the house was not kept clean, that means they are keeping way too close of tabs on things. AND that they are keeping score. I hate keeping score because once you start, it’s all you think about. And once I hear people talk about how they are keeping score on someone else, I begin to wonder how they are keeping score on me. And I hate that. Because I know I’m going to fail. I mean I’m a pretty neat person if it means respecting someone else’s space but I don’t keep track of how many times the bathroom floor was wet or the toilet seat was up or the counter wasn’t wiped off or that I took out the trash because if I did I would drive myself crazy. CRAZY. Once you start asking me to keep track, I become a perfectionist and I hate myself when I’m a perfectionist. I can’t breathe. Life doesn’t make any sense. And I waste my brain cells on retarded things that in the long run, don’t really matter.
So one of my roommates complained about the kitchen not being clean enough. Guess who cleans the kitchen quite often? Oh that’s right, Adel. Guess who just likes to keep it clean and doesn’t really care what everybody else does with it? Adel. Guess how many times Adel has seen any of her other housemates clean it? Uh none. BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.
My housemate asked me if I had any pet peeves or anything that was bothering me since she had listed such a loooong list and I said No. I’ve lived with a lot of messy people and I don’t really care. What I should have said was My biggest pet peeve is people who have lots of pet peeves. I say GET OVER IT. Life is a lot bigger than if the sink is perfectly clean all the time or the counter is always dry or if the couch has crumbs on it. Dear God please please PLEASE don’t let me marry someone who is ridiculously anal about the little things in life. They can be anal about money or their job but not about the little things. It’s such a waste of time.
It’s the simple things in life after all that make it livable.
Today for MLK Day, we took the kids ice skating (many of them their first time) and then to the Newark Museum where they had a bunch of activities centered around MLK Day. While the kids were still chaotic, it’s so much easier to relate to them outside of the school setting. It was definitely a good day.
I am beginning to really love them. I’m not just doing the right things because I know what the right things are to do, but because I care. I can fake caring about people so easily. Maybe fake isn’t the right word. But I can do the right things to make a person feel cared for even when my heart isn’t in it. I find myself doing them without even realizing it even while my heart and attitude are throwing fits. It is some of that Bonhoeffer thought process…that one cannot always expect the feelings to come before the action. Sometimes we must act in order to feel anything.
I wonder if that’s my problem with guys. I want to feel something fantastic before I act, but maybe its that I must trust someone first before I can really feel that something fantastic. Probably is true. But my trusting guys record isn’t exactly stellar. I tend to pick the ones that aren’t really trustworthy in the first place. Oh well I’m still waiting.
I think I may have made some friends this weekend--at least some connections where the people aren’t automatically suspicious of me. This church Erica and I have gone to now a few times has a large post college population which is good for my social life…aka the friends. But I miss the depth and experience of an older church. I appreciate having those older adults that I can see their faith alive after 25-30 yrs of marriage, after raising teenagers, after dealing with death and illness, after money and job loss. People who have lived life and survived because of their faith. I need that proof, that witness otherwise I feel like a crazy person. So I think I’ll stay here for awhile to establish the friends because well let’s face it I need friends. But I pray God provides some other ways for me to connect with the older generation for mentoring.
A bit of a rant--we had a house meeting yesterday afternoon--right as I started my nap. Now that’s not a good idea to interrupt my nap. I hate house meetings. I hate talking about money. I hate listening to people critique and criticize the little nit picky stuff. I hate it. To me if someone can sit down and recall every little detail of how the house was not kept clean, that means they are keeping way too close of tabs on things. AND that they are keeping score. I hate keeping score because once you start, it’s all you think about. And once I hear people talk about how they are keeping score on someone else, I begin to wonder how they are keeping score on me. And I hate that. Because I know I’m going to fail. I mean I’m a pretty neat person if it means respecting someone else’s space but I don’t keep track of how many times the bathroom floor was wet or the toilet seat was up or the counter wasn’t wiped off or that I took out the trash because if I did I would drive myself crazy. CRAZY. Once you start asking me to keep track, I become a perfectionist and I hate myself when I’m a perfectionist. I can’t breathe. Life doesn’t make any sense. And I waste my brain cells on retarded things that in the long run, don’t really matter.
So one of my roommates complained about the kitchen not being clean enough. Guess who cleans the kitchen quite often? Oh that’s right, Adel. Guess who just likes to keep it clean and doesn’t really care what everybody else does with it? Adel. Guess how many times Adel has seen any of her other housemates clean it? Uh none. BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.
My housemate asked me if I had any pet peeves or anything that was bothering me since she had listed such a loooong list and I said No. I’ve lived with a lot of messy people and I don’t really care. What I should have said was My biggest pet peeve is people who have lots of pet peeves. I say GET OVER IT. Life is a lot bigger than if the sink is perfectly clean all the time or the counter is always dry or if the couch has crumbs on it. Dear God please please PLEASE don’t let me marry someone who is ridiculously anal about the little things in life. They can be anal about money or their job but not about the little things. It’s such a waste of time.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
anything for a year...
You can do anything for a year right?
Being sick always gives one time to think. I hate that. I'd rather think on my own time, not be forced to think by feeling awful :(.
Sidenote: Being sick also saves money...as long as you don't have to go to the doctor and you're salaried. Think about it. You don't eat much. You can't drive anywhere. No food. No gas. Still get paid. Amazing. Can I get any weirder?
Going back to Michigan was wonderful. And that's just the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this homesick feeling again. I fell right back into things, like I'd never left. It was actually better in some ways b.c when people miss you then they treat you better when you come back :). And I appreciated them more having been away for awhile.
We always want what we can't have.
I hate missing out on things. I will say yes to ridiculous things just because I don't want to miss out. I've always wanted it all. I feel trapped easily by people and situations because I'm afraid it keeps me from doing it all. I was looking for a job this fall because I thought I was limiting myself by staying at camp. I want to see the world. I want to go places and live crazy places. I want to do things. And now I've done something and all I want to do is go back.
We always want what we can't have.
And I'm sure after six months I'll start to fall in love with it because I'm open like that to things. That's why I hate limiting myself because I know if I give it a shot, I'll find the good in it and make the most of the situation and learn a lot in the process. But I'm so weary of these homesick moments. Last year it was homesickness for something I didn't have anymore which was understandable even though it sucked. This year it's for something I did have and chose to walk away from. What's wrong with me!?
I wallow. That's what's wrong with me. I used to just get over things--forget about them. Move on. But now I've learned how to really care about things (a good lesson, mind you) but that means I have to learn how to deal with missing people and places. And then I ultimately have to decide if its enough to make me stick around or not. And people and places change. In 12 months, Miracle Camp will be an entirely different place. A new director, a new cook, another summer staff will have come through. The local junior highers I invested in will be in high school. The high schoolers will be going off to college. Would my place still be there? Or would I have to carve out a new one? Probably some of both.
I wonder how many times I'm going to do this to myself before I actually settle down. I wonder how much of it is what God wants to teach me and how much of it is my own selfish flippant nature fighting against what God intends for me. The only thing I pray is that I never become calloused. Even the tiniest bit of detachment in life scares me. I always want to be open, even if that means it hurts, like now. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I asked for.
Being sick always gives one time to think. I hate that. I'd rather think on my own time, not be forced to think by feeling awful :(.
Sidenote: Being sick also saves money...as long as you don't have to go to the doctor and you're salaried. Think about it. You don't eat much. You can't drive anywhere. No food. No gas. Still get paid. Amazing. Can I get any weirder?
Going back to Michigan was wonderful. And that's just the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this homesick feeling again. I fell right back into things, like I'd never left. It was actually better in some ways b.c when people miss you then they treat you better when you come back :). And I appreciated them more having been away for awhile.
We always want what we can't have.
I hate missing out on things. I will say yes to ridiculous things just because I don't want to miss out. I've always wanted it all. I feel trapped easily by people and situations because I'm afraid it keeps me from doing it all. I was looking for a job this fall because I thought I was limiting myself by staying at camp. I want to see the world. I want to go places and live crazy places. I want to do things. And now I've done something and all I want to do is go back.
We always want what we can't have.
And I'm sure after six months I'll start to fall in love with it because I'm open like that to things. That's why I hate limiting myself because I know if I give it a shot, I'll find the good in it and make the most of the situation and learn a lot in the process. But I'm so weary of these homesick moments. Last year it was homesickness for something I didn't have anymore which was understandable even though it sucked. This year it's for something I did have and chose to walk away from. What's wrong with me!?
I wallow. That's what's wrong with me. I used to just get over things--forget about them. Move on. But now I've learned how to really care about things (a good lesson, mind you) but that means I have to learn how to deal with missing people and places. And then I ultimately have to decide if its enough to make me stick around or not. And people and places change. In 12 months, Miracle Camp will be an entirely different place. A new director, a new cook, another summer staff will have come through. The local junior highers I invested in will be in high school. The high schoolers will be going off to college. Would my place still be there? Or would I have to carve out a new one? Probably some of both.
I wonder how many times I'm going to do this to myself before I actually settle down. I wonder how much of it is what God wants to teach me and how much of it is my own selfish flippant nature fighting against what God intends for me. The only thing I pray is that I never become calloused. Even the tiniest bit of detachment in life scares me. I always want to be open, even if that means it hurts, like now. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I asked for.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
My Life is Random :)
I've been searching on Craigslist for quite some time for a part time job in the New Jersey area. Today I found a restaurant looking to show art pieces and all I need to do is submit at most 3 jpegs. They are looking to hang a one man show of 15 to 20 pieces. Now of course I have no idea what the likelihood of them actually considering my work but please keep it in your thoughts and prayers. I already have a good idea of what I will submit and if I did get it, it would be an excellent deadline for me to crank out some work. Life continues to present little opportunities like these that I try to grab onto. I am selling a drawing to a connection out here in New Jersey for a T-shirt design and she wants me to paint designs actually on t-shirts too for her spring line. Currently I haven't made any money in 2 months but fingers crossed that I'll begin to see some fruits of my searching! Hope all is going well friends :)
that's the drawing my New Jersey connection wants to put on T-shirts...pretty sweet eh?
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