I've been reading through lectures of a friend's class at Mars Hill Graduate School. They always seem to hit right where I need them but never in the way I expect. In this particular lecture the professor connected betrayal to the paradigm of faith and doubt, weighing in his thoughts on the need for doubt in faith. The notion of betrayal is not one that I've overtly acknowledged because it is saying that a person hurt me which has a few consequences that I don't like to deal with. 1)somebody screwed up. I don't have a problem saying I screwed up; I have a problem acknowledging that somebody else screwed me. Why? 2)It means I don't have control over myself, my desires, my expectations, my emotions, my thoughts. Who hasn't been raised with some degree of you can't blame anybody but yourself for your problems? 3)The people that hurt us the most are the people that are closest to us. Saying that someone close to me has screwed me and I'm still going to allow them to remain close to me leaves me open to be hurt again. That does not logically follow for me. Why would you keep someone close who has the potential to hurt you again? I'd rather keep them close than acknowledge they have betrayed me or vice versa. Otherwise it would mean recognizing that we are vulnerable. 4)Acknowledging betrayal on a daily basis means acknowledging on a very basic level that others are screwed up, that they are not fundamentally whole. And while I have known this cerebrally for a very long time, I still struggle to recognize it on a daily basis because I see the potential of good in most everyone. It is both a blessing and a curse.
But if I choose to recognize that I am on a daily basis betrayed and betraying, it then validates this paradigm of faith and doubt in my life, the Christian life in general. Because while many times there is one or two very huge stories of betrayal and betraying in our lives, even those huge betrayals are made up of daily betrayals, the little things. A broken relationship with a parent may sometimes result from one or two huge events but more often than not, it is the daily comments or things not being said, the little slights and misunderstandings that build over time. The same is true of friendships. In refusing to acknowledge these broken promises and unfulfilled desires, we are left with this overwhelming sense of mistrust and doubt of people, but we don't know how we got there.
So take that a step back to the bigger picture and apply that to faith. It makes wrestling with doubt in conjunction with faith much more tangible. As Christians we are asked to trust a God who makes promises that He then takes sometimes hundreds of years to fulfill or even seems to directly contradict. This is the God that promised Abraham that he would have descendants that were like grains of sand in plenty yet Abraham didn't have his only child until he was well over 100 and only two grandsons to follow. This is the God that told David he would be king as a young teenage boy, made him a great warrior, became hated by the king and chased around the desert for years, face to face with death numerous times before he actually became king. This is the God that told Hosea to marry a prostitute even though she would abandon him several times to return to her previous life of sin-to demonstrate His Love for His people. This is the God that promised to protect Jeremiah throughout his prophecy yet the man was brutalized. This is the God that His own Son cried out My God why have You forsaken Me? Would this not leave you with a feeling of betrayal and therefore a lack of trust and resounding doubt?
On a more personal level, we are also asked to trust a God whom we cannot see, who promises to give us the desires of our heart and yet we are often unfulfilled in this broken world, who asks us to leave the comfort of our wordly lives to serve Him, who does not promise to bring peace but a sword, yet also promises to open the door for us if we seek and knock and ask. Again, would this not leave you with a feeling of betrayal and therefore a lack of trust and resounding doubt?
But instead of acknowledging this because it seems to be an assault on God's character, we ignore it with a dogmatic faith that demands we ignore the issues and our feelings about them. However if real acknowledgement of the feelings of betrayal and doubt is allowed, it also opens opportunities for a deeper faith. Hence the ebb and flow, the necessity of doubt and faith.
Example (the root of all of this thought process)
As I made the choice to walk away from an unhealthy engagement which I entered because I did not think that I could handle/deserve being in love in a relationship, God set an example before me of how I should feel about someone before marrying them and promised to bring that into my life when I was ready and he was ready. Someone who would not belittle or manipulate me, someone who would truly lead me and challenge me in my relationship with God but also learn from me, someone I could trust implicitly and therefore someone I would love and allow to love me, and finally, a chance to experience falling in love. I have loved many people through the love of God but I have never fallen in love. And while it's hard to admit, falling in love is something I want desperately. Why is hard to admit? Because it is a desire that has gone unfulfilled in my life thus far and it is such a strong desire that I continually struggle with God to take away or fulfill it in His own right, and yet it still remains. This one unfulfilled desire creates more feelings of betrayal and doubt in my relationship with God than any other desire or dream I have for my life because all the other dreams and desires I trust that He will take care of them. I trust His promises to use me in ministry, to change people and to help them-I've seen it happen already. I trust His promises to use my creativity and fulfill my desires to produce real artwork-He has given me the gift. I trust that He will always give me a home and people to love and a community to be a part of, even though I lack a consistent one right now. I trust that He will give me many opportunities to do interesting and wonderful things. I trust Him in all of these things because while they may not be desires that are fulfilled right now, they have been fulfilled at one point in time. They do not mock me with their unfulfillment. I know they are all possible and good things. But falling in love-that is where I have been betrayed, not only by myself and by others but by Him. My unfulfilled desire mocks me, creating doubt which demands that I kill it in order to save myself the mockery. Hence what I have been trying to do for the last 3 years and what creates faith in amongst all of this doubt and betrayal? The very fact that I cannot kill the desire. Hope springs eternal.
Therefore I can conclude only one thing. While the inability of the mockery of doubt to kill my desire for love tortures me, it ultimately creates faith that cannot be shaken. I have to trust He will fulfill His promise for what else am I to do with it?
To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Why can't I just say no?!
If there is one thing at which I fail completely and absolutely, it is in the simple act of saying no. So utterly simple and yet so utterly paralyzing.
This past week I agreed to go ice skating on Friday afternoon with my coworkers, knowing full well that I had already set up a mentor time with two of my 4th graders to go ice skating Friday morning.
This past weekend I agreed to work Saturday morning from 9 am to 2 pm; then Saturday evening from 10 pm until 6 am; and then from Sunday evening from 10 pm to 6 am, again knowing full well that I would go to church Sunday morning at 10:30 am and that I had another meeting scheduled in Newark at 10 am on Monday.
Why can't I just say no?
This is a discussion I have had with myself many, many times. I am notorious for packing as much as possible into each and every day. In college I would juggle a more than full courseload with at least one job and several extracurriculars as well as a vibrant social life. A day would be chockful from 9 am until 9 pm and then require 3 hours of homework in the evening as well as late night socialization. And then the summers were a whole 'nother deal. A Miracle Camp summer is itself overload. The problem then was that I didn't want to say no to anything that came across my path. I loved it all!
But something changed in the last year or so. I left the environment where I wanted to say yes to everything. I found myself in an environment where the world was not my oyster. I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me. And then once I lived by myself, I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me socially. I discovered what I loved to do and that much of what made me do what I did in college was the people, not the activities. I also realized that the crowd I surrounded myself were my crowd for the very reason that they loved to do what I loved to do. Finding people those people took 4 years. I haven't been in a place for 4 years since.
So now I find myself actually encountering things that I don't want to do, totally do not want to do, like go ice skating with my coworkers that I honestly have nothing in common with. I still said yes because I knew it would be a good way for me to try to connect with these people. But then my boss called me and told me I would be working overnights which would honestly mean I'd never see the coworkers with whom I'd agreed to go ice skating except in passing at 6 am. And who is really coherent at 6 am? So why should I go? It just seemed like too much effort for so little relationship possibility. But I'm all about possibilities.
And then I agreed to work the overnight Sunday because I know I need the money and while I did have the meeting, I didn't have school so I could go home and sleep afterwards. But news flash: I don't like working at Dunkin Donuts and I have a very hard time doing something just for the money. It feels like it is eating at my soul. But I still said yes.
Well God took care of me. On Friday I went home after taking my 4th graders ice skating and prayed that they didn't call while I was sitting in traffic because I just didn't know if I had the heart to tell them I didn't have the energy to hang out with them. They never called.
Sunday night I am sitting on my laptop, whiddling away the time until I'm supposed to go in. I email my boss that I'm supposed to have this meeting with on Monday morning at 10 am to tell her I'm going to be a little late because well it's just not worth driving the 1/2 hr home to my bed if I can't sleep for a solid 3 hr. She emails me back promptly to tell me the meeting has been cancelled! So I still got to make the money I needed without sacrificing sleep.
Do you know how many times this has happened to me when I have earnestly and genuinely told people yes I'll be there; yes I'll do this or that; yes I'd love to help out and I just put too much into the day? More than I can count, let me tell you. And now it happened when I really didn't even want to do it. And I wonder why I have trouble saying no. God always saves me from myself.
I guess I am still learning.
This past week I agreed to go ice skating on Friday afternoon with my coworkers, knowing full well that I had already set up a mentor time with two of my 4th graders to go ice skating Friday morning.
This past weekend I agreed to work Saturday morning from 9 am to 2 pm; then Saturday evening from 10 pm until 6 am; and then from Sunday evening from 10 pm to 6 am, again knowing full well that I would go to church Sunday morning at 10:30 am and that I had another meeting scheduled in Newark at 10 am on Monday.
Why can't I just say no?
This is a discussion I have had with myself many, many times. I am notorious for packing as much as possible into each and every day. In college I would juggle a more than full courseload with at least one job and several extracurriculars as well as a vibrant social life. A day would be chockful from 9 am until 9 pm and then require 3 hours of homework in the evening as well as late night socialization. And then the summers were a whole 'nother deal. A Miracle Camp summer is itself overload. The problem then was that I didn't want to say no to anything that came across my path. I loved it all!
But something changed in the last year or so. I left the environment where I wanted to say yes to everything. I found myself in an environment where the world was not my oyster. I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me. And then once I lived by myself, I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me socially. I discovered what I loved to do and that much of what made me do what I did in college was the people, not the activities. I also realized that the crowd I surrounded myself were my crowd for the very reason that they loved to do what I loved to do. Finding people those people took 4 years. I haven't been in a place for 4 years since.
So now I find myself actually encountering things that I don't want to do, totally do not want to do, like go ice skating with my coworkers that I honestly have nothing in common with. I still said yes because I knew it would be a good way for me to try to connect with these people. But then my boss called me and told me I would be working overnights which would honestly mean I'd never see the coworkers with whom I'd agreed to go ice skating except in passing at 6 am. And who is really coherent at 6 am? So why should I go? It just seemed like too much effort for so little relationship possibility. But I'm all about possibilities.
And then I agreed to work the overnight Sunday because I know I need the money and while I did have the meeting, I didn't have school so I could go home and sleep afterwards. But news flash: I don't like working at Dunkin Donuts and I have a very hard time doing something just for the money. It feels like it is eating at my soul. But I still said yes.
Well God took care of me. On Friday I went home after taking my 4th graders ice skating and prayed that they didn't call while I was sitting in traffic because I just didn't know if I had the heart to tell them I didn't have the energy to hang out with them. They never called.
Sunday night I am sitting on my laptop, whiddling away the time until I'm supposed to go in. I email my boss that I'm supposed to have this meeting with on Monday morning at 10 am to tell her I'm going to be a little late because well it's just not worth driving the 1/2 hr home to my bed if I can't sleep for a solid 3 hr. She emails me back promptly to tell me the meeting has been cancelled! So I still got to make the money I needed without sacrificing sleep.
Do you know how many times this has happened to me when I have earnestly and genuinely told people yes I'll be there; yes I'll do this or that; yes I'd love to help out and I just put too much into the day? More than I can count, let me tell you. And now it happened when I really didn't even want to do it. And I wonder why I have trouble saying no. God always saves me from myself.
I guess I am still learning.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs
I look around and I see it isn't so.
Laying in bed last night at 9:30 pm- yes you read that right, 9:30 pm-Dunkin Donuts is killing my lifestyle- well that and my cold, a momentary flash of revelation snuck upon me.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it and when that is the case, the only one I can credit is God. I haven't had many of these moments lately. Whenever my life takes a great shift as it has in the last few months, it takes another few months for me to develop the space in my life in order to hear His voice in my everyday and to think. It takes all my concentration right now just to make it through the day sanely. Sometimes it worries me that I don't recognize Him very much right now. I fear I'm losing my faith bit by bit in the whirlwind of my busy routine that leaves no space to gather my thoughts and my soul. But each time I recognize that deep-seated fear, it drives me closer to Him. While I may not be processing much right now, I am being forced to draw near to Him out of sheer desperation. As much as I pride myself on being a very centered and grounded personality no matter the chaos that surrounds me, sometimes I need to recognize the absolute insanity that rules my life-everyone's lives-and acknowledge that I myself personally cannot keep me centered. And it is even good for me to feel the depth of that desperation to my absolute core to remember my own absolute need. What I am attempting to do with my life right now is no laughing matter. I am working two jobs and living with three girls. One job demands much of me emotionally-4th graders in difficult life situations- and the other demands much of me physically and socially-on my feet for at least 4 hours, trying to get along with people that I seem to have nothing in common with. I have lived in this area of the country for little more than two months. I am trying to develop a way of life in a place that resembles very little of where I most recently came from. And I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I'm going after this. It is difficult to feel grounded when your life is continually 'up in the air' (yes that's a reference to the movie). Some would say that my faith should be the grounding point- that if I have Jesus, everything should be alright. I shouldn't have this anxiety or the need for simple routines to make me feel sane- like a good cup of coffee. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its not that our faith numbs our pain or difficulty or even makes us transcend it. It's like the definition of courage-it's not really courage unless you're tackling a difficult task in spite of your fear, not because you lack fear. Real courage is doing something in the face of your fear. Real faith is leaning on Him in spite of your anxiety and the chaos of life, not because you lack anxiety and life is sane.
But that wasn't my original revelation...
My thought (revelation may be too strong of a word) goes back to my previous post-my struggle with belief in true love.
After all that I have dealt with so far in my life and all the treachery I have seen, this nagging thought persists: that this true love concept isn't completely bogus. Why?
Because I've read books that resounded genuinely with my soul.
Because I've stared at paintings for hours that have left me deeply yearning.
Because I've watched movies that made me say yes, I understand.
Because I've tasted heaven in a cup of coffee or a bit of chocolate.
Because I've stepped into worlds that made everything else disappear.
Because I've engaged in real, passionate discussions with many friends.
Because I've experienced comfort in the presence of another human being.
Therefore,
In true love, I long for one that resounds geniunely with my soul, leaves me deeply yearning, makes me say yes I understand, has the taste of heaven, makes everything else disappear, engages in real, passionate discussions, and brings me comfort. And if true love can't do that for me, then why would I ever choose it over books, paintings, movies, coffee, chocolate, traveling, friends, and basic human company? I have been given all the components to satisfy my desires by other people and things. But if true love does hold such promises, then to experience it, even just for one day, is worth more than gold. And to experience it for a lifetime is worth more than the world and all its promises.
Hence,
hope lingers.
Laying in bed last night at 9:30 pm- yes you read that right, 9:30 pm-Dunkin Donuts is killing my lifestyle- well that and my cold, a momentary flash of revelation snuck upon me.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it and when that is the case, the only one I can credit is God. I haven't had many of these moments lately. Whenever my life takes a great shift as it has in the last few months, it takes another few months for me to develop the space in my life in order to hear His voice in my everyday and to think. It takes all my concentration right now just to make it through the day sanely. Sometimes it worries me that I don't recognize Him very much right now. I fear I'm losing my faith bit by bit in the whirlwind of my busy routine that leaves no space to gather my thoughts and my soul. But each time I recognize that deep-seated fear, it drives me closer to Him. While I may not be processing much right now, I am being forced to draw near to Him out of sheer desperation. As much as I pride myself on being a very centered and grounded personality no matter the chaos that surrounds me, sometimes I need to recognize the absolute insanity that rules my life-everyone's lives-and acknowledge that I myself personally cannot keep me centered. And it is even good for me to feel the depth of that desperation to my absolute core to remember my own absolute need. What I am attempting to do with my life right now is no laughing matter. I am working two jobs and living with three girls. One job demands much of me emotionally-4th graders in difficult life situations- and the other demands much of me physically and socially-on my feet for at least 4 hours, trying to get along with people that I seem to have nothing in common with. I have lived in this area of the country for little more than two months. I am trying to develop a way of life in a place that resembles very little of where I most recently came from. And I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I'm going after this. It is difficult to feel grounded when your life is continually 'up in the air' (yes that's a reference to the movie). Some would say that my faith should be the grounding point- that if I have Jesus, everything should be alright. I shouldn't have this anxiety or the need for simple routines to make me feel sane- like a good cup of coffee. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its not that our faith numbs our pain or difficulty or even makes us transcend it. It's like the definition of courage-it's not really courage unless you're tackling a difficult task in spite of your fear, not because you lack fear. Real courage is doing something in the face of your fear. Real faith is leaning on Him in spite of your anxiety and the chaos of life, not because you lack anxiety and life is sane.
But that wasn't my original revelation...
My thought (revelation may be too strong of a word) goes back to my previous post-my struggle with belief in true love.
After all that I have dealt with so far in my life and all the treachery I have seen, this nagging thought persists: that this true love concept isn't completely bogus. Why?
Because I've read books that resounded genuinely with my soul.
Because I've stared at paintings for hours that have left me deeply yearning.
Because I've watched movies that made me say yes, I understand.
Because I've tasted heaven in a cup of coffee or a bit of chocolate.
Because I've stepped into worlds that made everything else disappear.
Because I've engaged in real, passionate discussions with many friends.
Because I've experienced comfort in the presence of another human being.
Therefore,
In true love, I long for one that resounds geniunely with my soul, leaves me deeply yearning, makes me say yes I understand, has the taste of heaven, makes everything else disappear, engages in real, passionate discussions, and brings me comfort. And if true love can't do that for me, then why would I ever choose it over books, paintings, movies, coffee, chocolate, traveling, friends, and basic human company? I have been given all the components to satisfy my desires by other people and things. But if true love does hold such promises, then to experience it, even just for one day, is worth more than gold. And to experience it for a lifetime is worth more than the world and all its promises.
Hence,
hope lingers.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
No mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
And I'll be there by your side
Throw it all away to be happy
Just for one day
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
One of my campers sent me a facebook message today with the link to Elephant Love Song- a shared favorite. It's been a favorite of mine for quite some time-actually probably close to a decade. I think I saw Moulin Rouge for the first time my freshman year of high school. I may have only been 14. I'm now 24. Crazy that I can say I've loved something for a decade. The song and of course the movie, contain all sorts of ideals about love and what it can do for us. "Love lifts us up where we belong."- a perfect example. When I saw it in early high school, I fully believed in that kind of crazy romantic love, though I'd never witnessed it in real life.
Now I'm 24, a decade older. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge. The fight for life has been fought many times and I have the scars to prove it. They aren't visible to the normal human eye. It takes time and energy to see them-for a reason. God has done a lot of healing but they'll never go away completely. Lessons were learned that will not be easily untaught. All of this leaves me with a very keen sense of the everpresent question of true love and what that looks like. It is this constant nagging in the back of my mind that I can't ever shake. I've wrestled with a lot of serious, deep questions-the brokenness of humanity, the place of evil in my faith, who God is, does He really exist, can I really live my life for Someone I can't prove His existence, God's goodness, what is truth, can I really presume to impose my faith upon others, the direction of my life and passions and the list goes on and on. But this question of true love, well, it's never been brought to resolution or even a general acceptance that it may never be answered.
Now I'm not talking about true love in the sense of God's love. I believe God's love exists and I believe that the only way we can show real pure love to others is through Him and the power of His Spirit. I have wrestled that sucker to the ground and beaten it to death.
No, the true love I'm talking about is what we see blasted all over our culture from books to music to tv to movies to magazines. This enigma of perfection between two individuals where the stars align and two souls become one in a glorious display of affection and utter ecstasy that is all-encompassing and completely mind numbing. I have been preaching for years to my peers as well as girls I have mentored that no such thing exists in real life. Since high school and the one time I let my heart get away from me that resulted in falling for a guy that in reality had multiple relationships going on at one time, I have been the poster child for the realistic practical relationship. My girlfriends in high school idolized those chic flicks like The Notebook just as much as any other group of hormone crazed teenage girls. And I witnessed and rescued them countless times from unhealthy relationships. I've seen the carnage and I've been the carnage of this unrealistic expectation that we place upon romantic relationships to fulfill our every need. The pictures have never left my mind and definitely not my heart.
So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because I thought my expectations for a relationship where I was actually attracted to the guy could not be met. So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because well, loving someone is a choice and not a feeling and if you choose enough times to love someone because they love you, you'll start loving them. So much so that I was pressured and manipulated into a very unheatlhy 2 year relationship that lacked any resemblance of true love.
In the midst of the ending of that relationship, one guy snuck under my armor in a way I have had a hard time forgetting- in a way that actually made me believe in the kind of stuff that happens in movies. But I was a mess (what else could be expected after ending a complicated 2 year relationship) and that chance was lost.
Since then, I have flitted from guy to guy with this ideal of true love ever haunting, the lingering taste on the tip of my tongue. No one quite measures up to that experience, and I am left with the question will anyone ever? Will I ever give anyone else a chance?
Guys have come and gone.
Many have tried, but I have become quite adept at keeping them at arm's length. I have a sharp eye and an even keener heart for the male that is looking to get beyond my exterior. And it depends on their personality and character. I'll let them into my life if I'm not attracted to them. I'm not sure if its because of my engagment that I run away from any guy that I could seriously see myself with or because of the experience following my engagement. I am left with completely contradictory messages. First, I am scared of overcommitted guys-ones that want to jump into a relationship and pursue me relentlessly. Second, I am scared letting a guy in and then finding he isn't going to do anything about it-a pattern that has repeated itself in the last few years.
I'm sure much of it has to do with myself. I'm sure much of it has to do with my emotional state and how I don't let people in and how I'm afraid of committment and the list could go on forever.
But one guy looked past all that even when I was in the midst of a really messed up relationship and saw me for who I really am and liked me and got to me. And it haunts me. I've never forgotten it though the chance is long gone. It made me wonder if maybe just maybe some essence of the true love that we all crave does exist for me. And it definitely made me realize that there must be some truth amongst the media's massacre of true love.
As I'm sitting in a movie theater of teenage and college age girls, wiping tears from my own eyes as sniffles resound around me because John's love of his life has married another man, I can't help but think, "To hell with my life, is it so awful to want that kind of love? Is it so awful to want to feel that way even if I can only be with him for a month? To truly feel like your world revolves around this person, that no one else can make you happier, even if it is just for one day? To feel so deeply connected with a person. I want that even if I can't have it forever. I just want to feel it once."
I will love you
Until my dying day
No mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
And I'll be there by your side
Throw it all away to be happy
Just for one day
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
One of my campers sent me a facebook message today with the link to Elephant Love Song- a shared favorite. It's been a favorite of mine for quite some time-actually probably close to a decade. I think I saw Moulin Rouge for the first time my freshman year of high school. I may have only been 14. I'm now 24. Crazy that I can say I've loved something for a decade. The song and of course the movie, contain all sorts of ideals about love and what it can do for us. "Love lifts us up where we belong."- a perfect example. When I saw it in early high school, I fully believed in that kind of crazy romantic love, though I'd never witnessed it in real life.
Now I'm 24, a decade older. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge. The fight for life has been fought many times and I have the scars to prove it. They aren't visible to the normal human eye. It takes time and energy to see them-for a reason. God has done a lot of healing but they'll never go away completely. Lessons were learned that will not be easily untaught. All of this leaves me with a very keen sense of the everpresent question of true love and what that looks like. It is this constant nagging in the back of my mind that I can't ever shake. I've wrestled with a lot of serious, deep questions-the brokenness of humanity, the place of evil in my faith, who God is, does He really exist, can I really live my life for Someone I can't prove His existence, God's goodness, what is truth, can I really presume to impose my faith upon others, the direction of my life and passions and the list goes on and on. But this question of true love, well, it's never been brought to resolution or even a general acceptance that it may never be answered.
Now I'm not talking about true love in the sense of God's love. I believe God's love exists and I believe that the only way we can show real pure love to others is through Him and the power of His Spirit. I have wrestled that sucker to the ground and beaten it to death.
No, the true love I'm talking about is what we see blasted all over our culture from books to music to tv to movies to magazines. This enigma of perfection between two individuals where the stars align and two souls become one in a glorious display of affection and utter ecstasy that is all-encompassing and completely mind numbing. I have been preaching for years to my peers as well as girls I have mentored that no such thing exists in real life. Since high school and the one time I let my heart get away from me that resulted in falling for a guy that in reality had multiple relationships going on at one time, I have been the poster child for the realistic practical relationship. My girlfriends in high school idolized those chic flicks like The Notebook just as much as any other group of hormone crazed teenage girls. And I witnessed and rescued them countless times from unhealthy relationships. I've seen the carnage and I've been the carnage of this unrealistic expectation that we place upon romantic relationships to fulfill our every need. The pictures have never left my mind and definitely not my heart.
So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because I thought my expectations for a relationship where I was actually attracted to the guy could not be met. So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because well, loving someone is a choice and not a feeling and if you choose enough times to love someone because they love you, you'll start loving them. So much so that I was pressured and manipulated into a very unheatlhy 2 year relationship that lacked any resemblance of true love.
In the midst of the ending of that relationship, one guy snuck under my armor in a way I have had a hard time forgetting- in a way that actually made me believe in the kind of stuff that happens in movies. But I was a mess (what else could be expected after ending a complicated 2 year relationship) and that chance was lost.
Since then, I have flitted from guy to guy with this ideal of true love ever haunting, the lingering taste on the tip of my tongue. No one quite measures up to that experience, and I am left with the question will anyone ever? Will I ever give anyone else a chance?
Guys have come and gone.
Many have tried, but I have become quite adept at keeping them at arm's length. I have a sharp eye and an even keener heart for the male that is looking to get beyond my exterior. And it depends on their personality and character. I'll let them into my life if I'm not attracted to them. I'm not sure if its because of my engagment that I run away from any guy that I could seriously see myself with or because of the experience following my engagement. I am left with completely contradictory messages. First, I am scared of overcommitted guys-ones that want to jump into a relationship and pursue me relentlessly. Second, I am scared letting a guy in and then finding he isn't going to do anything about it-a pattern that has repeated itself in the last few years.
I'm sure much of it has to do with myself. I'm sure much of it has to do with my emotional state and how I don't let people in and how I'm afraid of committment and the list could go on forever.
But one guy looked past all that even when I was in the midst of a really messed up relationship and saw me for who I really am and liked me and got to me. And it haunts me. I've never forgotten it though the chance is long gone. It made me wonder if maybe just maybe some essence of the true love that we all crave does exist for me. And it definitely made me realize that there must be some truth amongst the media's massacre of true love.
As I'm sitting in a movie theater of teenage and college age girls, wiping tears from my own eyes as sniffles resound around me because John's love of his life has married another man, I can't help but think, "To hell with my life, is it so awful to want that kind of love? Is it so awful to want to feel that way even if I can only be with him for a month? To truly feel like your world revolves around this person, that no one else can make you happier, even if it is just for one day? To feel so deeply connected with a person. I want that even if I can't have it forever. I just want to feel it once."
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