i need to confess . . .

i am not invincible-

but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be.

walls sky high-

a paper thin illusion.

i've been fed a lie.

strength does not make one invincible.

passion does not mean control.

love is not manipulation.

rather-

strength is found in weakness.

passion brings freedom.

love is at its best in vulnerability.

i've tried to pretend that it doesn't matter, but my armor is wearing thin.

i am surrounded, drowning in everyone else's romance.

where is mine?

i'm hanging on the edge-

between invincibility/control/manipulation and

weakness/freedom/vulnerability.

i want what is real/true/great.

i've sworn i wouldn't settle for anything less,

but the pressure is great and i am weary.

oh so weary of fighting the tide of my needs and desires.

my need fights, wages war with my heart--

my need for someone to be there.

i need someone to be there.

i'm tired of being alone.

so tired of being alone-

it has settled like a dull ache in my chest, a thirst never fully satisfied.

just when hope blooms-

it slips away, leaving me to wait with a stronger thirst than before.

i've tasted and i want more, a lifetime supply for i'll never get enough.

will you...?

i have spent the last 3 days in a pretty unique environment/situation and i gotta process it a bit. so here goes.

i sat in a room tonight listening to a worship band playing, people singing, and prayers ringing out--just like the previous two nights. but tonight it just sounded like noise. when i went outside during the break, in the silence my head was ringing and my heart was suffocated.

when i came back i couldn't open my mouth. i had no breath to speak, to sing. there was nothing.

nothing. that is a very new experience for me. i hardly ever feel nothing (anymore--i used to quite a lot a few years ago, but this is a different kind of nothing). this nothing flowed out of necessity. the necessity to keep my heart from bitterness. and this nothing didn't flow out of indifference either but an overwhelming sense of truth.

it is only for so long that one can strive. and there is an awful lot of striving taking place with the people i know here. I guess it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. and finally i don't feel this monster rise up with indignation when i don't agree with what is going on around me, driving me away from the One that they seek instead of drawing me closer to Him. finally it doesn't control me.

that's what i mean by nothing. how often what others do that smacks of deceptiveness drives me away from what they are being deceptive about even though it should be the persons and not the idea or activity or God that put me on my guard. the persons control my reaction instead of the Truth. so here's the Truth.

the Truth is that I believe in a God who loves and because I am loved I no longer strive.

I rest.

I rest because I know that I am not in control.

And I have lost all desire to fake that I am in control--whether that's to myself, someone else, or Him. I'm not in control. no caveats. none.

God, I cease because You are.

I will wait to hear from You.

do you ever have something happen to you that just doesn't feel real the next day?

had one of those days yesterday.

and now, after watching 2 hrs of scrubs b.c i couldn't find the energy to do anything else, i lay in bed wondering if any of it was/is real. partly b.c i live in an alternate universe when i come home --an imaginary hospital with unrealistic situations and tons of humor.

but the other part b.c some of it was too good and other parts too bad.

some i never want to forget--

and others i'd prefer to pretend never happened.

it's strange how one day can hold so much.

actually every day can.

especially if you're female :-P and i can say that b.c i am one

for example take today...a rather ordinary day--unlike yesterday.

but i spent the drive to work crying (partly b.c of yesterday)

the morning overreacting and moping,

lunch time praying,

the afternoon feeling like FINALLY i've actually been given things to accomplish at my job holy shit

dinner, the absolute satisfaction of a real meal after a day of not eating b.c of course i gave in to this whole fasting concept at work...but that's another post. i'm such a weakling for peer pressure.

post dinner the exhaustion of a day spent emotionally all over the board/not eating/not sleeping the last few nights

evening a scrubs marathon to keep myself from going to bed at 7 pm

to night of feeling slightly guilty that i didn't take my evening walk, that i overindulged on scrubs, that i don't think my blood sugar can handle me not eating and then eating, and the slightly whelming feeling that my yesterday wasn't real.

see?

and today was a pretty slow day.

man i hate being a girl.

and i forgot to mention in the midst of all of that, i read a facebook message from a friend about our mutual college friend who was found dead in her apartment last week. there is nothing more humbling than to read a description of how they found her body rotting. dear God someone my age, a person i knew well for a time, her physical body rotting b.c she was not known. the landlord had to call the police to get into the apartment because she hadn't paid her rent in awhile. excuse my crassness but i cannot help but be struck by the absolute fragility of life in hearing and saying that. and it disgusts me! what are we, God, to You that our lives should be so fragile, so short, so completely and utterly forgettable? how can we be here but for a time and so easily forgotten? how close did i come to that myself, if were not for my friends. dear God if i hadn't had people to call would i have been any different? would i have called 911? i honestly don't know. why me and not her? why have You placed me here with such goodness in my life and others are not so fortunate?

most surely i don't deserve this.

i am sick of big words.

disseminate...seriously?

oof.

what happened to plain speak?