i think up opening lines to blogs while i'm walking down the street or day dreaming.
but i never remember them when i get to a computer--
should write them on my hand.
it's always some great philosophical statement about life based upon my observations of the small things around me.
annie dillard-esque. my hero. to go live in the woods for a year.
i think i'd get bored, but it'd probably be good for me.

or a rant about something that annoys me.
like adults leaving their junk everywhere to be picked up by 'someone else' (that someone else being me.)
or the toilet seat being left up. seriously. you're not at home.
this. is. a. public. restroom.
put it down
or...well i can't think of anything else. but you get the point.

anyways
i turned in a resume on monday with a dynamite reference letter and a so-so cover letter (i've written so many, i can't tell if they're good or bad anymore, they've become so formulaic).
for a job that a friend told me about and very strongly urged me to apply for. haven't heard anything.
it put me in a funny place to start with. i've been pretty selfish/stubborn lately. about a lot of things.
example1: weddings. i swear. if one more person around me gets engaged. well. i don't know what i'll do. not because i'm bitter. i swear. i know when i'm being bitter. i'm just tired of having the same conversations-- over and over and over again. and hearing girls deliberate about the DUMBEST things. yes you're getting married. it's supposed to be the greatest day of your life. and all the little retarded details matter to you. but it's not exciting to me. as a matter of fact, it kinda makes me want to bang my head against the wall. after all, i've already heard this from 10 other girls soooo can we move on? selfish.

example2: my dad. the last time i talked to him on the phone he was freaking out about something silly. i realized just how ridiculous he can be, even if he is my father. and it kinda makes me not want to talk to him at all. and i'd like to think its because it always comes back to him. but really it's just me being selfish.

example3: a friend i haven't had contact with in three weeks. and we used to talk every day at least once, if not twice, for the last year and at least once a week for the last decade. i think this is the longest we've ever gone without contact. do i reach out? of course not. i'd like to think its because she needs to reach out to me but really i'm procrastinating & being selfish.

example4: turning in my resume. i was blatantly stubborn on this one. i knew i needed to follow through if only b.c i didn't want to. and get this, it wasn't because i LOVE where i am. b.c i don't. i mean it's not awful, but i've definitely become increasingly restless in the last month or so. no, i didn't want to because i'm comfortable. and i hate that. i have always prayed God keep me from being comfortable in life. b.c i didn't want to go through yet another change. i wasn't willing to go when called. b.c i am being stubborn.

now that i think about it, it's not so much a recent development as an uncovering, a revealing to myself of my true nature. and me not disguising it, esp to myself, with good intentions. in my arrogance that's what i do. i pat myself on my back after a conversation that i don't want to hear or am not particularly interested in and say good job tolerating. good job appearing interested.
and that's just it.
that's my stubbornness.
my tolerance and just 'appearing interested' says i'm putting up with your strand of conversation to make you feel better but really i find this boring. it says what i would like to converse about is much better and more interesting than what you are talking about. it is me being closed minded and unwilling to listen.
my procrastination says you're not worth my effort. i'm putting you off just a little bit longer. it's just easier that way. never mind where you are at or what you are dealing with.

God please make me actually interested.
give me a heart that actually cares.
make me actually willing to go when You want me to.
make me more than just my silly words.
b.c they are so ridiculously empty without You.

when you don't know what to do......
write a blog post.

so i know to many people, my current dilemma would seem ridiculous or not even a dilemma at all. after all, who seriously deliberates about who they should be spending their time with?
And who gets overwhelmed by too many people asking to hang out?
that's just silly.

but that's where i'm at right now. again.
for the millionth time.
it's kind of a common thread in my life.

and so i have to choose
because i can't do it all.
blast. i hate that.
i HATE disappointing people. i feel such a responsibility, an obligation.
and all i really want is to be free.
free to follow my desire, my intuition wherever it takes me.

like this weekend--
friday night: two different invites, received in a matter of hours of each other.
first: people i haven't seen in awhile who i kinda feel comfortable with doing something i only kinda enjoy at a place that is a bad drive on a friday but i may not have a chance to see very much of them after this summer ever again.
second: people i've seen kinda recently doing something that sounds like a lotta fun at a place i feel comfortable and is not a bad drive on a friday but some i will definitely have many opportunities to see in the future.
both i have had to say no to them quite a bit b.c of other commitments.

am i an awful person for wanting to be with people i feel comfortable with? does that make me insular? exclusive? people that i know i can develop real relationships with that will be around for awhile instead of just for a bit or on a hit and miss kinda opportunity.

who do i focus on? spend time with? i don't want to spend all my time with the same people. honestly i'd go crazy. never been able to do that. though this time i can't help but revel in the community i've found. and i want to focus here, pour out my energies where i am physically present. and i can't do that, i can't find the energy to do that if i keep doing this hit or miss thing.

do you see? do you see why i go a little crazy on the inside?
and that's just friday night...
that's not even saturday.
or sunday.
or monday.
or...well you get the point.

and i'm not even addressing my need for me time--which i deny quite frequently.
how the hell does one decide what to do and who to be with when there is just so much going on!?!?