holidays make my skin crawl . . .

don't want it to be like that, but if i'm honest, they really do.

probably because every year til recently

it was the season of tug-of-war

and awkward gift giving

and uncomfortable dinner conversations

and general insecurity.

who really wants that?

it makes me shudder to think back on it.

now it's more neutral.

calm.

small.

simple.

but it's going to take about another decade before I stop gritting my teeth in preparation. after all how long does it take to erase 18+ years of all that? and of course, being the artistic type, i am the only one in my immediate family who notices and stores these things mentally and emotionally.

can't wait til it's all over so i can breathe again.

til next year . . .

it'll get easier with time.

ooof.

there are conflicting things inside.

the emotion on the surface

and the truth that is deeper

i don't know why i did what i did.

i wish i knew.

i know why i've done it in the past,

-or at least i thought i did.

what choked inside of me?

why couldn't i follow through?

and what freezes me now?

why do i continue to dwell on this?

why can't i let it go?

my communication sucks.

i don't appreciate being laughed at

or blamed.

damn it.

why the hell is it all my fault?

i tried to deter.

i tried to persuade.

and instead i just got screwed.

it's all my fault.

my emotions just want to accept the blame and grovel and swear i'll never do it again.

BUT I NEVER DO IT ANYWAYS!

i think.

i plan.

i take others into consideration.

i try to make the best to bring people together.

i set aside my own interests for the interests of others.

i go. i meet. i reach out. i don't expect others to come to me.

but what if the interests of others are in conflict?

oh wait they're always in conflict.

and no one else ever seems to realize that.

i listen repeatedly to people say in private how they don't want to do things. they don't want to go places. they don't want to reach out. they want others to come to them. i question whether they even want to see me. i don't plan things because i don't want people to come who don't want to be there. i hesitate to reach out because i don't want people to only talk to me because they feel obligated.

i go with the flow because i don't care. because all i really want is for people to be together. that's what makes me happy. that's what makes me feel loved. i don't know that people get that about me. but sometimes you can't have everyone be together and be happy.

and last night was one of those nights.

and either way i looked like an idiot and guilted and blamed.

into my shell i go...

to recover.

i kinda skipped work today.

kinda...

i didn't mean to but something made me run.

sure i didn't feel good,

but i knew why...stupid coffee

but instead of holding it together til it passed,

i cut and ran.

because i'm tired of holding it together til it passes...

til i'm not tired anymore...

til my brain returns...

til i can focus...

til the knot of anxiety disappears and the exhaustion leaves.

damn it.

i'm anxious.

there. i said it out loud.

i've spent all day in bed...drifting in and out

because i'm exhausted...

but i can't make my heart stop pounding in my chest.

the second consciousness sweeps in, every muscle in my body tenses and my heart rate picks up again.

all the ideas inside my head, all the things i must do, all the bills that must be paid, the people that i want to see, the places i want to go, the dreams-

it is too much.

i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired of being overwhelmed.

i'm tired of using tv to shut it off.

or sleep to escape.

i am so tired of the pressure i put on myself,

this neurotic need to improve.

i love life.

i love living.

i love dreaming and doing.

i love people and spending time with them.

i love being creative and using it to bless others.

but sometimes i get lost in it all.

and i hate being lost.

hate. it.

so i guess i took a mental health day--

to find myself again.

there are people who make you ...

... more of you

who set you free

to just be.

light.

air.

the very essence of life.

soaking it up.

reveling.

dancing.

it gives me hope;

makes my heart light--

to find another soul that resonates so well;

that echoes my own.

not many answer my call.

most don't even hear it.

very few can sing along.

we can have friends by many circumstances.

by sheer length of time.

by proximity.

by a common experience.

by interest.

by goal.

by heart.

and by soul.

a glimpse of heaven. now.

God gives us glimpses, moments, sometimes hours,

when eternity touches the finite.

it comes unplanned with little premonition and outside of reason.

a collision of time, place, mood, and people--never to be replicated.

but there are those in our lives who bring it a little bit closer a little more frequently.

i drink and drink deeply, finding joy in His gracious gift, always in the unexpected.

thank you God for the unexpected.

i've got an itch--

but i can't figure out how to scratch it.

it's an internal itch

that lies somewhere in my chest.

it comes and goes, ebbs and flows.

it makes me want to do something rash.

i think, i ponder what would scratch.

i listen.

it calls for good company, for laughter, for light.

for easy conversation and quick banter.

everyday life forgotten.

time stands still.

eternity within my grasp.

it longs to be carefree, uncalculated, irrational.

for something new and fresh.

awash with passion.

the familiar left behind.

eternity with my grasp.

i long for eternity within my grasp.

fringe--edge--outskirts--nonconformity--outright rebellion

kinda thought i'd left it behind.

as i listen to Rent. sigh. gets me every time.

funny how i always think that when i move somewhere new and start over with people who don't know me that i can leave these behind.

that my essence will change.

but it hasn't.

i ooze something i can't control.

when i talk in class or in a serious conversation with my friends, i sometimes have a slight out-of-body experience. i hear what i'm saying and i think i am certifiably insane. my mind is in an entirely different space than anyone else in this room. where in the world does this come from?

where does this urge to sit down with people and say tell me something true, tell me something real come from? why does Rent still resonate so deeply? why is Halloween my favorite song on that soundtrack--the most angry intense song? why do i love authors like madeleine l'engle and annie dillard and anne lamott who most people have never heard of, let alone understand or appreciate? possibly even consider them heretics?

why do i have these great urges to go do something raw and random?

to wrench the absolute essence of life?

where does all of this come?

who am i?

i was given something incredible this evening--
and may i never forget it.

someone took the absolute worst decisions/circumstances of my short 25 years and painted them in a way i never knew fully possible: with hope. she took my rebellion in finding a man that landed me in a relationship that robbed us both of our souls and showered it with light. a situation i have come to know so well for all its faults, and only caught glimpses of grace. she turned it completely upside down.

she said: God must have someone really incredible for you to have saved you from that relationship. and she said it with such hope in her eyes because she believes it.

she believes that there is someone incredible for me. she believes that i would be married now if there wasn't someone so much better for me. what freedom, what hope that statement contains for a soul so weary with doubt. there is someone and that someone is incredible. may i believe that like i believe i will be provided for in every other way. may i know that truth so deeply within my soul that i stop worrying. i stop wondering. i stop playing out every worst case scenario. may i believe it so i may live. here. now.

ever looked through ALL the pictures in which you're tagged on facebook?

I just did.

well ok not all of them, but a lot of them, definitely most of them.

wow.

yes i know i have nothing better to do at work and i'm avoiding my reading.

the thing that struck me-

the people.

so many people.

many who have meant so much to me.

holy shit. the people.

i just can't get over it. so many people who have come and gone, sharing snippets of my time, my person, my life. each one bringing a slightly different Adel to the surface. do you know how many adels there are in the world because of all the people who have been in my life? i cannot deny that each person that has crossed my path has influenced me...in both good and bad ways. who i am is because of who they are/were--to me, around me, for me, because of me. i carry a little bit of them with me every where i go and they a little bit of me. some parts are bigger. some parts smaller. but they're always there--with me. and i have lost a bit of me in each of them.

i have gained and lost.

there is a bittersweetness in the knowledge that a part of me will never exist again. i will never be college adel again, not fully not completely. the things i've lost and gained since then do not make it possible. there is no going back. there is only moving forward. the feeling of not being able to return grows stronger with each passing year. the vastness of the unknowns before me weigh heavy upon my shoulders. responsibility broadens. innocence slips away. freedom seems to be a distant mirage.

but there is life. without safety there is adventure; there are possibilities; there is great gain. there will be reward. maybe not here, maybe not now. but to say that i led a life well lived, lived to the full. to say that i made the most of every opportunity, that i did not settle for anything less than His best. to say that fear did not triumph, that guilt did not paralyze, that regret did rule my life--that is victory. that is purpose. that is great gain.

i need to confess . . .

i am not invincible-

but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be.

walls sky high-

a paper thin illusion.

i've been fed a lie.

strength does not make one invincible.

passion does not mean control.

love is not manipulation.

rather-

strength is found in weakness.

passion brings freedom.

love is at its best in vulnerability.

i've tried to pretend that it doesn't matter, but my armor is wearing thin.

i am surrounded, drowning in everyone else's romance.

where is mine?

i'm hanging on the edge-

between invincibility/control/manipulation and

weakness/freedom/vulnerability.

i want what is real/true/great.

i've sworn i wouldn't settle for anything less,

but the pressure is great and i am weary.

oh so weary of fighting the tide of my needs and desires.

my need fights, wages war with my heart--

my need for someone to be there.

i need someone to be there.

i'm tired of being alone.

so tired of being alone-

it has settled like a dull ache in my chest, a thirst never fully satisfied.

just when hope blooms-

it slips away, leaving me to wait with a stronger thirst than before.

i've tasted and i want more, a lifetime supply for i'll never get enough.

will you...?

i have spent the last 3 days in a pretty unique environment/situation and i gotta process it a bit. so here goes.

i sat in a room tonight listening to a worship band playing, people singing, and prayers ringing out--just like the previous two nights. but tonight it just sounded like noise. when i went outside during the break, in the silence my head was ringing and my heart was suffocated.

when i came back i couldn't open my mouth. i had no breath to speak, to sing. there was nothing.

nothing. that is a very new experience for me. i hardly ever feel nothing (anymore--i used to quite a lot a few years ago, but this is a different kind of nothing). this nothing flowed out of necessity. the necessity to keep my heart from bitterness. and this nothing didn't flow out of indifference either but an overwhelming sense of truth.

it is only for so long that one can strive. and there is an awful lot of striving taking place with the people i know here. I guess it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. and finally i don't feel this monster rise up with indignation when i don't agree with what is going on around me, driving me away from the One that they seek instead of drawing me closer to Him. finally it doesn't control me.

that's what i mean by nothing. how often what others do that smacks of deceptiveness drives me away from what they are being deceptive about even though it should be the persons and not the idea or activity or God that put me on my guard. the persons control my reaction instead of the Truth. so here's the Truth.

the Truth is that I believe in a God who loves and because I am loved I no longer strive.

I rest.

I rest because I know that I am not in control.

And I have lost all desire to fake that I am in control--whether that's to myself, someone else, or Him. I'm not in control. no caveats. none.

God, I cease because You are.

I will wait to hear from You.

do you ever have something happen to you that just doesn't feel real the next day?

had one of those days yesterday.

and now, after watching 2 hrs of scrubs b.c i couldn't find the energy to do anything else, i lay in bed wondering if any of it was/is real. partly b.c i live in an alternate universe when i come home --an imaginary hospital with unrealistic situations and tons of humor.

but the other part b.c some of it was too good and other parts too bad.

some i never want to forget--

and others i'd prefer to pretend never happened.

it's strange how one day can hold so much.

actually every day can.

especially if you're female :-P and i can say that b.c i am one

for example take today...a rather ordinary day--unlike yesterday.

but i spent the drive to work crying (partly b.c of yesterday)

the morning overreacting and moping,

lunch time praying,

the afternoon feeling like FINALLY i've actually been given things to accomplish at my job holy shit

dinner, the absolute satisfaction of a real meal after a day of not eating b.c of course i gave in to this whole fasting concept at work...but that's another post. i'm such a weakling for peer pressure.

post dinner the exhaustion of a day spent emotionally all over the board/not eating/not sleeping the last few nights

evening a scrubs marathon to keep myself from going to bed at 7 pm

to night of feeling slightly guilty that i didn't take my evening walk, that i overindulged on scrubs, that i don't think my blood sugar can handle me not eating and then eating, and the slightly whelming feeling that my yesterday wasn't real.

see?

and today was a pretty slow day.

man i hate being a girl.

and i forgot to mention in the midst of all of that, i read a facebook message from a friend about our mutual college friend who was found dead in her apartment last week. there is nothing more humbling than to read a description of how they found her body rotting. dear God someone my age, a person i knew well for a time, her physical body rotting b.c she was not known. the landlord had to call the police to get into the apartment because she hadn't paid her rent in awhile. excuse my crassness but i cannot help but be struck by the absolute fragility of life in hearing and saying that. and it disgusts me! what are we, God, to You that our lives should be so fragile, so short, so completely and utterly forgettable? how can we be here but for a time and so easily forgotten? how close did i come to that myself, if were not for my friends. dear God if i hadn't had people to call would i have been any different? would i have called 911? i honestly don't know. why me and not her? why have You placed me here with such goodness in my life and others are not so fortunate?

most surely i don't deserve this.

i am sick of big words.

disseminate...seriously?

oof.

what happened to plain speak?

i think up opening lines to blogs while i'm walking down the street or day dreaming.
but i never remember them when i get to a computer--
should write them on my hand.
it's always some great philosophical statement about life based upon my observations of the small things around me.
annie dillard-esque. my hero. to go live in the woods for a year.
i think i'd get bored, but it'd probably be good for me.

or a rant about something that annoys me.
like adults leaving their junk everywhere to be picked up by 'someone else' (that someone else being me.)
or the toilet seat being left up. seriously. you're not at home.
this. is. a. public. restroom.
put it down
or...well i can't think of anything else. but you get the point.

anyways
i turned in a resume on monday with a dynamite reference letter and a so-so cover letter (i've written so many, i can't tell if they're good or bad anymore, they've become so formulaic).
for a job that a friend told me about and very strongly urged me to apply for. haven't heard anything.
it put me in a funny place to start with. i've been pretty selfish/stubborn lately. about a lot of things.
example1: weddings. i swear. if one more person around me gets engaged. well. i don't know what i'll do. not because i'm bitter. i swear. i know when i'm being bitter. i'm just tired of having the same conversations-- over and over and over again. and hearing girls deliberate about the DUMBEST things. yes you're getting married. it's supposed to be the greatest day of your life. and all the little retarded details matter to you. but it's not exciting to me. as a matter of fact, it kinda makes me want to bang my head against the wall. after all, i've already heard this from 10 other girls soooo can we move on? selfish.

example2: my dad. the last time i talked to him on the phone he was freaking out about something silly. i realized just how ridiculous he can be, even if he is my father. and it kinda makes me not want to talk to him at all. and i'd like to think its because it always comes back to him. but really it's just me being selfish.

example3: a friend i haven't had contact with in three weeks. and we used to talk every day at least once, if not twice, for the last year and at least once a week for the last decade. i think this is the longest we've ever gone without contact. do i reach out? of course not. i'd like to think its because she needs to reach out to me but really i'm procrastinating & being selfish.

example4: turning in my resume. i was blatantly stubborn on this one. i knew i needed to follow through if only b.c i didn't want to. and get this, it wasn't because i LOVE where i am. b.c i don't. i mean it's not awful, but i've definitely become increasingly restless in the last month or so. no, i didn't want to because i'm comfortable. and i hate that. i have always prayed God keep me from being comfortable in life. b.c i didn't want to go through yet another change. i wasn't willing to go when called. b.c i am being stubborn.

now that i think about it, it's not so much a recent development as an uncovering, a revealing to myself of my true nature. and me not disguising it, esp to myself, with good intentions. in my arrogance that's what i do. i pat myself on my back after a conversation that i don't want to hear or am not particularly interested in and say good job tolerating. good job appearing interested.
and that's just it.
that's my stubbornness.
my tolerance and just 'appearing interested' says i'm putting up with your strand of conversation to make you feel better but really i find this boring. it says what i would like to converse about is much better and more interesting than what you are talking about. it is me being closed minded and unwilling to listen.
my procrastination says you're not worth my effort. i'm putting you off just a little bit longer. it's just easier that way. never mind where you are at or what you are dealing with.

God please make me actually interested.
give me a heart that actually cares.
make me actually willing to go when You want me to.
make me more than just my silly words.
b.c they are so ridiculously empty without You.

when you don't know what to do......
write a blog post.

so i know to many people, my current dilemma would seem ridiculous or not even a dilemma at all. after all, who seriously deliberates about who they should be spending their time with?
And who gets overwhelmed by too many people asking to hang out?
that's just silly.

but that's where i'm at right now. again.
for the millionth time.
it's kind of a common thread in my life.

and so i have to choose
because i can't do it all.
blast. i hate that.
i HATE disappointing people. i feel such a responsibility, an obligation.
and all i really want is to be free.
free to follow my desire, my intuition wherever it takes me.

like this weekend--
friday night: two different invites, received in a matter of hours of each other.
first: people i haven't seen in awhile who i kinda feel comfortable with doing something i only kinda enjoy at a place that is a bad drive on a friday but i may not have a chance to see very much of them after this summer ever again.
second: people i've seen kinda recently doing something that sounds like a lotta fun at a place i feel comfortable and is not a bad drive on a friday but some i will definitely have many opportunities to see in the future.
both i have had to say no to them quite a bit b.c of other commitments.

am i an awful person for wanting to be with people i feel comfortable with? does that make me insular? exclusive? people that i know i can develop real relationships with that will be around for awhile instead of just for a bit or on a hit and miss kinda opportunity.

who do i focus on? spend time with? i don't want to spend all my time with the same people. honestly i'd go crazy. never been able to do that. though this time i can't help but revel in the community i've found. and i want to focus here, pour out my energies where i am physically present. and i can't do that, i can't find the energy to do that if i keep doing this hit or miss thing.

do you see? do you see why i go a little crazy on the inside?
and that's just friday night...
that's not even saturday.
or sunday.
or monday.
or...well you get the point.

and i'm not even addressing my need for me time--which i deny quite frequently.
how the hell does one decide what to do and who to be with when there is just so much going on!?!?

home is found--
quite unexpectedly.
it sort of sneaks up on you when you're not really looking.

you crave it when it's missing or gone awry.
its absence is keenly felt.
the ache it leaves in your gut is unmistakable.

depending on how long you're out of sorts--
if home isn't really home anymore
or doesn't have the same location
or isn't easily accessible
if the people have changed
or moved away
or you have changed--
the light at the end of the tunnel is more of distant memory
than a future reality.

but it's something we never stop longing for--
a place where we feel safe even when life isn't
filled with people we love even when they drive us crazy.
it's written on our hearts.
you can see it in a child's eyes
or in the deep inhale of a college student home for the holidays
or in the sigh of relief of a working parent after a long, hard day.

i think i've found it here.
actually i think it found me.
it snuck up on me when i stopped fighting.
it caught me off guard.
somewhere between the hospital visit and wedding,
i started saying i'm going home--
and it's my home.
it's not where my parents are, or my sister, or where i grew up, or Chicago, or Miracle Camp.
it's here now.
those were all, at one or several points in time, my home, some with a very temporary feeling.
and they were always contigent on a predetermined factor--where i was born, who i was born to, where i chose to go to school or work during school--for a set period of time that i knew would eventually end. and i thought that it would be a long time before i found home again.
for real this time.
on my own terms.
i kept it at bay, arm's length if you will. determined to remain detached.
but somewhere between that hospital visit and wedding, i let my guard down.
and it got me.

you know how i know? because for the first time in a very long time, i'm excited to go on a trip because i know i have somewhere and someone(s) to come back to.
and i'm not afraid it's all going to change.

i think i have effectively passed my day here at the Wilson House doing absolutely nothing for work....

lots of thinking...typing...planning...

but nothing work related. ha.

it is insane that i can pass an entire day writing emails and reading blog posts and researching wedding things and who knows what else...(sounds like i'm getting married-but trust me, i'm not. just everyone else around me)

but i gotta admit, i kinda like it.

i couldn't do it all the time...but every once in a while it sure is nice.

entire days can pass away in my mind.

days spent wondering and wandering.

and i'm the happiest person in the world.

they're great learning days, processing life.

deciding what to hold onto and what to let go.

what's worthwhile and what's not.

who i am and what i am doing.

do you ever just want to stare off into space?

its not that i'm tired. or even overwhelmed.

sometimes i just need to be.

i'd forgotten what it was like to be free.

but someone came along at just the right moment and showed me how again.

that knot-oh that knot. it's gone.

the relief is so tangible, i readily breathe a sigh of relief.

it goes beyond wedding planning, car fixing, hospitalization, moving, new job, moving, americorps, moving, working 2 jobs, dunkin donuts, moving, not knowing what i'm doing with my life, interning, moving, counseling, moving, moving--all the way back to college. (man, have i moved a lot.) all the way back to that girl who lived free.

how sweet it was. free to float and flit and explore. to look at the dates on tombstones or wander around, late at night, musing out loud. to dwell in simplicity together. there were people to do it with me. it's not that i've stopped between college and now, being who i am. it's that i stopped trusting others to do it with me. it's that i couldn't find them. no, that's not even true.

it's that i didn't stay put in one place long enough to trust them. and life got in the way. bills. job searching. apartment hunting. when the big things are uncertain, you stop taking risks in the little things. that's what i've learned over the last few years.

you stop hanging out randomly with people b.c you're too exhausted from the instability of your job, your life, your lack of place in the world.

you can't hop on a plane and fly to another part of world on a whim because anxiety might keep you from getting on the flight. let alone the money...

large, loud, overwhelming places shut you down instead of energize you because you can't find enough space from minute to minute to breathe.

simplicity gets lost in the complexity of having to live life alone and grown up, responsible.

but there must be a way to keep it. a way to feel it in my soul, even as my mind and body is confined. a way to live and love simplicity and be free, to maintain childlike abandonment, amongst the drudgery of the american dream. to not worry about tomorrow, but live for today. i think i've been brainwashed into responsibility.

there's just this tension inside of me, the many sides of my personality. the body that needs to be structured, the mind that needs to be challenged, the heart that needs to be loved, the soul that needs to be free, and they continually conflict with each other. my body needs regular sleep and rest but my heart and soul keep me out late at night. my soul wants to be free of the worries of every day life but my body needs me to work a regular job to house and feed myself. my mind loves to be challenged with tasks and responsibilities for it is easily bored but those tasks and responsibilities often monopolize my life.

i like me but sometimes i don't know what to do with me.

the feeling that sits in your chest...

like a rock.

the knot that doesn't let you sleep.

you close your eyes and pictures plague your brain.

halfway comatose and still,

the knot plagues you.

doubts.anger.hurt.stress.frustration.

coiled up inside, a spring tightly wound ready to explode into fear.

push it to edge of consciousness and drug oneself to sleep, hoping for peace-

which never comes.

i can't face it though.

if i face it, i'll die.

it'll consume me.

and i will no longer feel.

what blatant lies.

how readily i believe.

the darkness will pass.

and light will come.

hope will dawn.

pain does not last.

joy triumphs.

but until then...

side note: i just finished writing a summary of the events leading up to my hospital visit and effectively concluded that yes, it was the doctor's fault. now what do i do with that?

before writing that, i was thinking all day about writing some semi-romantic, poetic post about longing for lost has-beens and a good cup of coffee with a friend. because i have to say, i most definitely miss the art of coffee shops and enjoying good, slow conversation with a close friend. it's a hankering that i just haven't been able to shake over the last few weeks. clips of memories from coffee shops past and good conversation have been flitting across my mind, stirring up longing for at least part of a life i used to know. if there's one thing michigan knows how to do, it is its coffee shops (and bars though saloons would almost be a better word). mm, if i could just get a taste of that here, i'd know i've arrived. i can think of 5 fantastic coffee shops, places to hang with interesting people and random conversations just dying to be started...within 45 minutes of where i used to live. (and 45 minutes of michigan time is waaay different and less stressful than 45 minutes of new jersey time travelling) decor that beckoned one to sit and explore the space surrounding. smells that told stories. and coffee...well, it wasn't always the best but it had character according to the location. and it was DEFINITELY better than starbucks or dunkin donuts. oh wait, dunkin donuts barely eeks out an existence in michigan.

and now don't even get me started on chicago. it's like michigan's coffee shops compressed into a much smaller space with so much more frequency one never goes without. i wish i could take you there...show you the nooks, the crannies. the places i know! how'd i love to share.

there's so much i do here and now in this life that i live at present that is on my own. weird, unique, quirky things that i don't need to share with anyone to gain satisfaction. taking walks in the woods (yes, i've found woods on the east coast, it is a miracle). cooking up random concoctions. writing while sitting in random places. exploring random stores. planting/taking care of my little green buddies. immersing myself in sights and sounds of the city. going to the library (which by the way i need to find in my area). just enjoying the area i live in. but a good cup of coffee is not always meant to be while one is working or sitting at home reading or journaling or furiously plowing away at a project. conversation brings out the flavor in ways no roasting or brewing method can. i miss that flavor.

guess i could still write that post after figuring out that my near death experience was at the fault of another human being....

i do wonder if some aches ever die.

if we ever stop missing the people we've known but don't see anymore.

they were so much a part of my life.

and then i left.

i couldn't have stayed, that much is clear.

i needed more. more than they could give--not that i was asking them to.

but somehow that doesn't make the ache for that which was rooted, oh so rooted, in time and in depth. a depth that only time can procure. i wish i could bring them all together and be entirely present with each one. some day...

i just want it all. is that too much to ask? :-P

sometimes a knot sits within.
and where it comes from is hard to discern.
and what will loosen it is impossible to describe.

but i am struck by the observation...
that things are better the second or third time around.
and that maybe we miss that beauty when we're stuck in the need for perfection.

instead of reveling in the grace of a second chance,
we are frozen by the past.
bitterness taints the joy of the present.
fear paralyzes the freedom of the next decision.

rather than learn and rejoice in a lesson well learned,
guilt overwhelms, demanding penance.

but life pushes forward, with increasing fervor,
bubbling and frothing with possibilities.
and here we sit preoccupied with the past,
missing the present and denying ourselves the grace of the future.

let it flow.
for the sake of Grace, let it flow.

i may have just picked the best township EVER to live in.

may have.

well except i didn't pick it. He did.

and no folks, this is not a sarcastic comment.

i know that's hard to believe.

but i don't know where else i could walk, that's right walk, 15 minutes through apartment complexes (that disgust me how they are piled on top of each other) to a hiking trail and happen upon a wide open field with 5-10 deer grazing at dusk. or drive 15 minutes north and be in a bustling metropolitan city filled with arts and a university and inner city children and so many needs. or drive 15 minutes west and feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere with farms and one lane back roads. or drive 15 minutes south and be in a whole different kind of college town that some times makes me briefly feel like i'm in paris. or drive 30 minutes east and be at the ocean. or hop on the train and be in nyc in an hour. folks, its official. i can have my cake and eat it too.

i finally have found a place that is still accessible to the rest of the world...which i love most of the time. and yet allows me to be completely alone and outdoors when i need it to keep my sanity. and it's so close. while i still miss chicago, i have to say, since i am a person who likes my options, this just might work.

it just might work.

it's been awhile.

many things have happened.

life caught up to me and in a very dramatic way.

as a result things have come into much sharper focus.

and the sun, green trees, and fresh, warm air help as well.

i felt like i was supposed to write an email--one of my mass random ones--last week. but life got in the way. so it didn't happen. i sat down once to write it and the draft still sits in my email. it just wasn't coming.

i have been struck by an overwhelming sense, deep down, that life is good. hope seems to be taking root. and when i say taking root, i mean, burying itself deep into the fiber of my soul and giving life, full life. it is deeper than i've ever believed anything before. i'm not capable of such belief. i know, it's not me believing, but Him believing for/within me that there is hope. it is drowned out easily. a still small Voice quickly overrun by the voices of others. doubt assails, screaming, clawing for my attention and it wins for awhile. before this last week or so, it triumphed because i was too busy listening to others. but somewhere in the chaos, somewhere in almost having my very own life ripped away from me, God has given me peace like a river. even though i am suffocated by my job, left with a relationship i had wished would go somewhere but has not, and witnessing a great deal of brokenness around me, there is hope.

i think it is a result of what i was originally going to write my email about. a devotional was given at work about 1 cor 15 and how the hope found in belief in Christ's resurrection and of our own resurrection shows we do not labor in vain. that without belief that there is a life to come, that there is something much bigger than ourselves, the vanity of our labors inevitably leads to despair. that the promise of a new heaven and a new earth puts in sharp contrast how temporary and fleeting our screwed up world is.

now let me tell you. i labor. i'm the empress of labor. i'm a get 'er done kinda person. i revel in a project completed, a child's life changed. but my current job is an endless list of mindless minute labors. i find it so hopeless. so utterly and completely in vain. but at least in that i know and have known from the beginning of taking this job that it is for a time and God has made it very clear, it is exactly where He wants me. though i scream on the inside sometimes because my patience wears thin.

but the one area of my life i have keenly felt that i labor in vain and have truly struggled to believe otherwise, is in relationships. most keenly, my desire to have that one person to share life with, i have declared vanity time and time again. and i have declared my previous painful experiences and humiliating emotions in search of that person vanity as well. i do not trust that God uses them though i've stared the progress He has made in my life quite often squarely in the eye. i have not been listening to Him so He had to wait until i was broken, weak from my struggling to run away.

Then God spoke truth into my self-proclaimed darkness.

He spoke light into the crevices of my soul.

And hope has begun to grow.

though i'll admit i still feel a little like a 4yr old looking at her daddy with a puckered lip saying but why? i know you love me but why? sigh.

He is not done with me yet. thank you Lord. and He has left me here on this earth for awhile longer so surely there must be more He wants to do through me as well. and for that i am very grateful--and hopeful.

sometimes life throws us curve balls.
sometimes they're bad.
and sometimes they're good.
but either way they're still curve balls.
and they often leave us reeling.

overwhelmed.
and single.

i am overwhelmed.
and i am single.

something in this whole apartment thing has really brought out both. it's not that there aren't people helping me. it's not that i feel lonely. or even alone. i just feel overwhelmed by the details. and single in how i am dealing with them.

you know it's all well and good to be a strong independent woman when the details of life don't overwhelm you. but it's the details that make me realize i don't really want to be like this forever. i don't want to have to figure out my electric bill on my own...or how to set up my internet....or why my water heater isn't working.....or how i'm going to pay my bills....or setting up my place....by myself. i'm over it. if this is what it means to be independent, well i don't want it anymore. i don't want to take care of all of these things by myself for the rest of my life.

it's been debatable even in this week whether i actually think i can even get married. let alone have the right guy come along at the right time and actually have both of us do and say what we need to say to make it work. but today it hit me. and it hit hard.
it has to happen.
because i don't want to do it by myself.

it's not a question of capability.
i know i'm capable.
it's a question of desire.
i do not want to move again alone.
i do not want to live the rest of my life alone.
there God i said it.

it's still hard for me to imagine being married.....
but i definitely know that i don't want to be alone forever.
so i guess that means i want marriage.
i want someone to talk things out with. i want someone to help me with the details. i want someone to take care of me. i want to take care of someone. i want to love and be loved.
is that too much to ask?

i think i've hit a wall.

and it's a wall i'm not sure i've hit before.

i am tired of taking in.

i'm tired of tolerating.

i'm tired of 'being nice'.

i'm tired of listening.

i'm tired of bullshit.

i'm tired of being courteous.

i'm tired of giving in to others.

i'm tired of conforming.

i'm tired of holding myself back.

this is who i am.

this is who God is making me to be.

i want to rejoice in that.

i want to be strong in that.

i want to be free.

i AM free.

and i'm tired of tiptoeing around like i'm not.

that means i'm going to offend people.

i'm going to frustrate them.

i'm going to make them mad.

i'm going to annoy them.

but i can't hold it back anymore.

take it or leave it.

that's what it is.

and i'm not sorry for it.

but it's not in a rebellious fashion. just more of a the gloves are off, this is real sort of way. i wanta proclaim truth--about God, about me, about life. i want people to understand where i come from. i want people to get it. something has snapped. i'm tired of the old ways. i've tasted the power that we've been given and i want to do more, i want to use it to the full. i want to live life to the full. because God is. and He has made me who i am and i LIKE me! amen.

this is totally random but i just put another book on the shelf about marriage...and i just got really frustrated b.c its talking about all the hard things about marriage/not being prepared, etc. i feel like that's what i've been hearing from a lot of people. i wish someone would right a book about the good things of marriage, the joys. i know i know most of our culture doesn't get that its not like a fairy tale. but another huge chunk of our culture in response to the 'you need to be prepared/its a lot harder than you expect' is just saying well then let's not get married. it isn't worth it. can someone please tell me why it's worth getting married?! because i don't know what the reasons are. no one ever tells me. and if its so damn hard why in the world did God make it sound so joyful in genesis?? there has to be something about it that makes it worth doing.

there's something about space that i am learning.
not physical space, of which i have greatly lacked in the past.
but mental/emotional space.

there's something about a person who doesn't give space that causes me to clench on the inside. i wonder if its something connected to maturity--or personality. that they always must make themselves known. why? why do you need to make yourself known?
if i'm not answering, shouldn't that be enough of a clue?

it's rooted in something much deeper than just the words.
and it's something i've encountered before. a lot.
b.c my openness lends me to be taken advantage of, in this respect.

the need to be known is in all of us.
it is meant to drive us to our Creator, the only one who can truly know us.
when that need is not fulfilled in Him, we take from others in desperation.
those who are more open and honest in their desperation make us cringe. because we think we're better than them, and yet it is the very things that we hate in others that we truly hate in ourselves. their desperation is a mirror for our own souls. and we shirk back, appalled.

i've been getting more annoyed lately with people. some has to do with my level of exhaustion. but more it has to do with the mirror that is being held in my face persistently as i let people in my life. see the thing is...when you've lived alone and worked a job that largely puts you around children...you forget how messy adults are. we're really all children on the inside, but its those of us who refuse to acknowledge this that makes life difficult for the rest of us. because in refusing to acknowledge, we put on layers, hiding who we really are instead of being honest.

why can't we just be honest? with each other as much as with ourselves.

i'm feeling poisoned by facebook.

and tv/netflix.

and my cell phone.

and email.

yesterday i forgot my cell at home.

and i felt naked-

for awhile.

then i got over it.

it disgusts me.

i desire what is real-

even in the small things.

paper and pen.

face to face.

active engagement instead of passive consumption.

out in the middle of nowhere with no television, hardly any cell phone reception, and poor wifi, i was free.

and now i'm enslaved.

more so than i've ever been before.

i balk at my ability to assimilate.

my desire to be connected resulting in hours on facebook.

what a waste.

as i type this-

on my blog.

need to break free.

to be real again.

to taste life without this ever increasing addiction to know others through false means.

why in the world do i ever need to know what an acquaintance did today?

what a waste of my brain.

to mindlessly entertain myself.

why in the world can't i sit down and read? or paint? or anything besides electronic media!?

what a waste of my time.

i'm filled with information i don't need. entertainment i did nothing to gain.

a life that frustrates instead of fulfills.

Jesus, set me free.

life has caught up with me.

and i haven't much to write about.

correction: i haven't much energy to write with.

but my life hasn't been this calm in quite awhile.

i think i'm still recovering from the last year or so.

i still marvel that i don't arrive home completely exhausted and drained every night.

i'm transitioning out of survival mode.

and entering people mode.

which is actually just as draining but in a different way.

i'm not used to having people this involved in my life.

it's been awhile. actually i'm not sure when it's ever been to this extent.

i've always had 'other' things to do to serve as a buffer.

this job doesn't really serve as a buffer at all.

as a matter of fact it puts me right in the middle of it even more.

i've found myself becoming more cynical already. less grateful.

i've no doubt God has me where i am for a very good reason. but it's not really about my job at all. and that's fine. it doesn't need to be. but it does mean i have to be much more conscious about my attitude towards my job. and watch my tongue. check my attitude.

i can't decide if my lack of motivation in certain areas such as my living situation post-June and my future education are because i'm becoming lazy or just letting down my guard. either way, i'm not feeling it. though i am getting a bit more concerned about the living situation as the drive becomes more and more tedious.

this is my life now. a stable job. a stable living situation. people involved in my life.

a year ago i never would've imagined it turning out like this.

is it egotistical of me to enjoy reading my own blog?

it's got to be.

oh well.

it's funny how as i'm writing something, it feels like it makes no sense whatsoever. my thoughts are jumping all over the place and i struggle to decipher which ones make the cut and which ones don't. but then when i go back and read it a day or two, or especially a month later, a thought process emerges from the jumble of words on the screen that is fluid and clear. God reminds/teaches me something more through my own words.

the last two days have been ones of intensive cleaning/organizing at work--an excellent reprieve from all of the social running arounds of last week. but i think i'm setting myself up for failure. i can only organize like this when i have something on my mind/been too social. pretty soon i'm going to run out of steam.

i was challenged today by a small but mighty book--the pursuit of God by a.w. tozer.

he delved deep into abraham's story and his love for his son isaac. how God had to extract his love for isaac from the throne of his heart. tozer does a phenomenal job of describing the emotional rending of abraham's heart and then the redemption. abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything.

and it brought me back to my own idols. one in particular that i'd pretty much given up for lost a long, long time ago. but people's questions in the last few days made me wonder why i'd stopped considering it. i had a couple of people ask about my desire for children, commenting on how good i am with them. i honestly had to stop and think.

i mean, i love kids. love kids. more and more.

but i couldn't remember the last time i'd truly contemplated having my own. not just as a joke or a random comment, but really dwelt on the thought of having my own children. that stumped me.

until i was cleaning. ah. ha.

it was connected to something else. a cause to explain the effect. that cause goes all the way back to high school and my very first boyfriend. the boyfriend that became the idol of my heart. he came between me and my God--more than once. many, many times. and his cheating on me and my own blatant desire to be desired drove me into another unhealthy relationship immediately following it. and after that relationship ended, i assumed my chances were up. even more than that, i didn't want to touch another serious relationship with a hundred foot pole for fear of him coming between me and my God yet again.

i didn't trust myself. i knew my heart all too well.

so i flirted. i flit. i never landed. and i became like abraham as he wrestled with God the night before isaac's sacrifice. abraham reconciled what God was asking of him with the rationale that He would raise isaac from the dead. as i've wrestled with God about my desire for a relationship and a family, because i have not been able to see how in the world He could ever trust me to give it to me, i have trusted that He would fulfill it in Himself and through other means--working with children, living with friends, etc. but God did not raise isaac from the dead. He didn't even go so far as to have abraham strike him, and yet the purpose was accomplished. abraham's heart was God's throne yet again.

and He has slowly been doing the same for me as well. while He removed the possibility/even the desire for a time to ensure that my heart is His throne, He is asking me to allow that possibility, that dream back in again.

He is restoring for He will do mighty things. And while i don't necessarily trust myself, how can i not trust Him?

i was discussing with a good friend the existential-ness of european films and how he doesn't like it when things don't resolve....

since college philosophy classes (and a few key broken relationships) i've always had a certain fascination with movies/books/art that reflect the existential philosophy. not always for the best. but there nonetheless. friends have even influenced me in their recommendations of what is 'good'. and postmodern art. and my general inability to hold conclusive, real relationships for long periods of time, particularly with guys.

i have been so driven by this irresolution in my life that pervades existentialism, and our culture in general. its been a thought process or i'd go so far as to even say, a belief, that i have not been willing to surrender/deny. and most christians i've encountered would not confront it either. they see the emptiness around them. how can they deny it? what we see is truth, after all. the movies, the books, the art, and ultimately the philosophy are the newest discovery, the latest phenomenon, the mood/temperature of our culture.

and who are we to deny this 'progress'?

because progress is always good. of course.

having now been away from the intellectual/philosophical community for a few years, the hopelessness has faded into the background of just surviving real life. i've had to lean upon my Lord in ways i've never been stretched to do thus far in my life. and i've seen His Faithfulness. i've seen His Resolution. in my life. now.

i used to treat the existential philosophy as the explanation for how the world looks without God and it is easy to understand within that context. it was eye opening for me as it is for anyone when they first explore philosophy. i wanted to experience emotionally how it feels for those without God so that i could relate, yet never forsake Him in the process. as an artist, i want to experience the very depths and as well as the heights of all human experience. it is the explorer in me. but somewhere in there, i began to see my own life through that lens and i've never been quite able to shake it. largely because the hopelessness of the reality that i see has taught me thus far that there is little, if any resolution. i've not seen very many happy endings.

christian circles further emphasize it by cheapening Him and our need for faith. we look at our lives and see so little resolution, stuck within habits and lifestyles that destroy our very souls but seem perfectly natural in culture (materialism, consumerism, tv, internet, etc) and accept it as our lot. this is what God has ordained for me on this side of Heaven. there can't possibly be more than this. so we ignore.

but this is where the artist in me has called me to something greater. despite what i see around me every day. despite the brokenness i have experienced firsthand. despite the mood of our entire culture. something within me craves that resolution, His Resolution. and that is the role of the artist in Creation. we bear witness to the ails of our culture and call it into question. we demand something more. postmodern art/philosophy/literature calls God into question, denying His Existence, demanding another solution. and while i have practically lived my life thus far with a belief in God and a relationship with Him, that has always hung over my head. because they are bearing witness to what they see. all they see is brokenness.

....so when i responded to his thoughts with well that's real life (with a tone implicating that what else do you expect), he astutely questioned: there's no resolution in life? (with a tone that said do you really believe that?)

in that question, it clicked. the existential mindset, while relevant for understanding those who choose to ignore God and all that He is working daily in this world, it is not the whole picture, something that my artistic soul has been longing to hear/understand/grasp for years.

there is resolution.

there are happy endings.

God is working.

a funny feeling has settled into my chest in the last few days.
or maybe it's been there for awhile. it's just becoming undeniable at this point.
it is something unsettling, uneasy, that makes me want to avoid being alone with myself. though i know that's really what i need to do.

it has something to do with the time of year. this was the first holiday with my family where we repeated activities in our new location. this was the first time i spent my new year's somewhere other than miracle camp in 5 years. it has something to do with recent beginnings. i'm beginning a job that could have no end if i choose that. ha. it's the first time in over a year that i have an itch to go somewhere, to travel.

i am beginning to feel the shift my life has taken. and how absolutely real it is. and i am not the same. and i can't go back. i have reached the point of no return. i, in actuality, crossed it months ago when i began to seriously consider jobs in new jersey with that initial visit to new city kids. when i parked that car, after dealing with the flat tire, on that street in jersey city and walked in those doors, i began a process that i had no idea of the implications.

and now i am here. with a job that suits me very well for the time being in a town that is beyond my wildest dreams. i have more to do, more people to love than i could ever dream of. i could not picture a better fit for my life right now. but in that, i also sense the door closing behind me. a choice has been made and with that comes the knowledge of all the other options that can no longer be chosen. i can't go back to the way i lived life before. the midwest will never be the same for me. my home is truly there no longer. there needs to be some mourning with that.

my life here feels so completely surreal. i am experiencing culture shock again, but this time, in the best way possible. though i do expect it to collapse at any moment. maybe that's what this thing is in my chest-fear. having fully committed to something, thereby eliminating a great deal of other options, i fear what i'm committing to will fall through. it is my fear of being trapped with nowhere to go.

i have emotional claustrophobia.