No one knew my name.
No one cared.
Only God saw my face.
Only God dared.

Light bounces, sparkling from place to place.
Empty eyes are filled with grace.
Sorrow empties, allowing space
for the Spirit to be embraced.

We grow like weeds
in empty space.

We are wonders upon wonders.
We are all real human beings.
Why must we put on such faces?
A deeper Reality whispers. Truth beckons.
Freedom has a tantalizing taste.
Yet we hide behind the fake-
what others want us to say-
instead of asking God to break in and save us.

broken shattered glass
impervious to nothing
opening the window to my soul
sharp edges slice unintentionally
leaving the innocent wounded
frustration flows
individuals cry out
injustice is wrought day in and day out
my name is noble
yet i feel none of these
i am made whole
yet i lack all of these
who can rescue? who can save?
only One with Grace.

i've got completion lust
for a girl who used to be able to procrastinate with the best of them,
i've got this hankering to barrel through everything in my path.
it's a control thing.
i'm aware.

not quite sure where to put all of this energy.
a lack of direction makes it hard to remember what it is all about.
satisfaction comes in completing little tasks.
efficiency is a drug.
one i'm quite addicted to.

it robs me of my joy in serving,
bursting out in the oddest of circumstances.
it's a shield.
protects me from dealing with the larger dissatisfaction.
or maybe that's a hiding place.

i feel like i'm encountering the same things and thereby, in danger of feeling the same things.
and so in hopes of not feeling the same things because i'm tired of this stage/cycle, i just avoid.

not the people or the situations--just the feelings.
after all, how many times can a person get frustrated and feel hollow inside because of their lack of direction?
i really attempt to avoid it at all costs, trust me. i hate feeling this way as much as you hate listening to it.
i try to abide in Christ and trust His plan. and so often, my emotions stay in line.
but right here, right now it doesn't do anything for the frustration that seethes beneath the surface.
i don't trust. plain and simple.
it's not that my life sucks. it's actually quite alright.
which is why this hollow feeling inside my chest just doesn't quite make sense.
and bothers me so much.
i have a stable, pretty enjoyable living situation.
i have many good friends.
i have a stable albeit directionless job.
my finances are in good standing.
my health is good, i'm even taking time to get in shape.
i have many art projects and ideas started.

yet this frustration from somewhere is boiling over.
and here i am puzzled, trying to understand what i lack.
there's something God is asking of me. i don't know what it is.
and i'm too afraid to ask.

something deep, that will take much time to uncover.
the task seems never ending and insurmountable.
i spend an hour or two and feel like i've not even begun.
i tire easily and distract myself.
give me strength to rest.

hit by a truck
on the ground
pumping blood to nowhere

hanging on the edge
coiled like a spring
running in circles

death slowly creeps
lurking unbelief
hollow exhaustion

two steps ahead
not even--
fog.

hints of light
outlines of things to come
the taste nearly on lips

still out of reach

space between hemispheres
of the brain
reprieve from the ever-demanding present

nowhere
and yet somewhere.
how can one go there if it doesn't exist?

and yet it is the space between
the present and the past and the future
the thoughts of myself and others
demands and desires--
where none of them exist.

where my own plans don't conflict
with the plans of others.
where my thoughts don't fight to be heard
over others.
where my heart doesn't struggle to feel right
--or wrong.

where one can just be.

where answers don't matter
and questions can always be asked.

sometimes the pleasure is in the asking--
not the answer.

how i love to ask questions.
to let my mind wander
without being hemmed in.
answers trap, confine, choke.

a time and a place
but not here, not now.
just need some space.