this is written in light of my viewing of the movie ''he's just not that into you'' and events in my and my friends' lives that have coincided. this is for all the single ladies.
I enjoyed ''he's just not that into you''. While extremely exaggerated, I found it entertaining with a few gems of truth hidden in the rough. And it struck a chord. While I would say that my friends and I are not anywhere near as desperate as the main character and that we don't go looking for guys in bars and online dating sites, we are well acquainted with this position of wondering and asking the question women have been asking for ages, "Does he really like me? And if he does, why doesn't he do something about it?
As any good girlfriend does, you comfort, make excuses, and call the guy a jerk (or at least I do). Now I consider myself a fairly good judge of character when it comes to people and how they interact with each other. I am also aware I am prejudice against relationships for reasons that can be addressed at another time. BUT this makes it all the more impressive when I think a couple can work or that a guy and girl really like each other (excluding myself, I have concluded that in some circumstances I am awful reading others for myself). Needless to say, I am extremely realistic in the matters of the heart, if anything, a pessimist. Especially after seeing the movie, I declare I am not that girlfriend that makes excuses for him and I am not that girlfriend that beats around the bush. I give it to you like it is.
And I am here to say that I have had enough of the stupid games we play with ourselves and with them. I'm trying to learn, understand, and communicate that many times a guy's response, or lack therof, is not personal. They aren't thinking about how many times they should email/text/call you or whether their stories line up or if they were being rude or just plain distracted. I have watched and experienced time and time again interest shown, toyed with, prolonged unnecessarily so, and then finally dropped *sigh of relief*.
BUT GUYS, these are not stupid girls! These are women who are genuinely interested and want to be honest and open about it. They are not looking for the world, just a response! They are not conniving or manipulative and they know you are expressing interest in some facet. (Whether it is because you are genuinely interested or only looking to fill the space, is yet to be determined, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.)
I know it's hard to approach a girl. I know it's hard to be honest and put yourself out there. But we are sick and tired of doing it for you. When is it going to be enough? When do you finally make up your mind that we are worth an honest response, either yes or no? Because for those of you actually worthwhile out there, it doesn't matter how much we do or don't chase after you, let's be honest. It's whether or not you can make up your mind what you actually want. We're not asking that it be us that you choose, we're just asking you to choose, and then have the decency to tell us. Because we know once you choose, you'll see it through, but damn it, you have to choose!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
job searching..
i began really looking at jobs today....
i've done it before but mostly just dreaming. today i actually filled out some applications.
and i have some more that i will do tomorrow. and i actually found a place that i want to check out, that i really want to work out. but i'm afraid to hope too much in case it isn't all that i expected.
i'm trying to figure out why i'm leaving camp. i mean i know the year was tough for a number of reasons but i also grew from it immeasurably as a person and as i begin the job search, i get so easily distracted by various ideas and brainstorms that i lose direction in the thicket of possibilities. and the thicket makes me realize how absolutely clueless i really am...not because i don't want anything but the exact opposite- because i want everything.
i want everything and yet i'm so keenly aware i am not ready for it.
i don't know anything. really honestly and truly, for all my knowledge and love of it, i know nothing. i am a dandelion puff blown to and fro by every catching fancy, scattered in a million directions. my God how my emotions and fancies control me. how is one to decipher what one should really do with your life when it changes with every passing second? will it ever make sense?
i went to college to figure out who i am...and i did....and there seems to be too much to me to be encompassed by any one thing. i can't move somewhere because of a job. it won't be enough and i can't move somewhere because of people. they won't be enough. those two things i have learned. so why else do you move somewhere? why else do we move on? because of God?
i've struggled in and out all year with this confliction of need and doubt. i need a God who is concerned with the details, who is intimately involved in my life. i desire Someone who knows me better than myself because i am such an outright mess and because no one else really gets all of me. [its kind of impossible. i don't even get all of me.] this desire to be known consumed so much of my being this year because it was so unfulfilled. i realized how much i had taken for granted those who knew me before and that i placed too much expectation on those who were with me at the time. more than anything i didn't understand me. i longed for someone who could see through all the crap to the core of my being, the core i was trying to hide even from myself, and tell me i was gonna be ok, that i hadn't made an awful mistake, and that while i felt so horribly trapped at the time, i would find freedom again. the darkness that surrounded me battled daily to drown out a God who promises to know my inner self, who promises to take care of the details. but Light has come.
i have found Freedom and while it also leaves a great deal of space for fear, Faith fills in the gaps. and it is the Faith that i am learning to lean on- the Faith that, when the thicket threatens to drown out my dreams, strengthens them even more. the Faith that speaks the dreams to my heart continually, long after the job search has subsided and my head and heart has cleared. the Faith that, admist my emotions and fancies scattering in a million directions, stands strong. and i am learning to listen to that Faith. and while it seems quite impossible that a God so huge could be concerned with someone so small as myself and with such a will of my own, i am learning to rest in the knowledge that He who created me to be so intimately known satisfies that desire in Himself and in doing so, concerns Himself with the details because i am the details.
i've done it before but mostly just dreaming. today i actually filled out some applications.
and i have some more that i will do tomorrow. and i actually found a place that i want to check out, that i really want to work out. but i'm afraid to hope too much in case it isn't all that i expected.
i'm trying to figure out why i'm leaving camp. i mean i know the year was tough for a number of reasons but i also grew from it immeasurably as a person and as i begin the job search, i get so easily distracted by various ideas and brainstorms that i lose direction in the thicket of possibilities. and the thicket makes me realize how absolutely clueless i really am...not because i don't want anything but the exact opposite- because i want everything.
i want everything and yet i'm so keenly aware i am not ready for it.
i don't know anything. really honestly and truly, for all my knowledge and love of it, i know nothing. i am a dandelion puff blown to and fro by every catching fancy, scattered in a million directions. my God how my emotions and fancies control me. how is one to decipher what one should really do with your life when it changes with every passing second? will it ever make sense?
i went to college to figure out who i am...and i did....and there seems to be too much to me to be encompassed by any one thing. i can't move somewhere because of a job. it won't be enough and i can't move somewhere because of people. they won't be enough. those two things i have learned. so why else do you move somewhere? why else do we move on? because of God?
i've struggled in and out all year with this confliction of need and doubt. i need a God who is concerned with the details, who is intimately involved in my life. i desire Someone who knows me better than myself because i am such an outright mess and because no one else really gets all of me. [its kind of impossible. i don't even get all of me.] this desire to be known consumed so much of my being this year because it was so unfulfilled. i realized how much i had taken for granted those who knew me before and that i placed too much expectation on those who were with me at the time. more than anything i didn't understand me. i longed for someone who could see through all the crap to the core of my being, the core i was trying to hide even from myself, and tell me i was gonna be ok, that i hadn't made an awful mistake, and that while i felt so horribly trapped at the time, i would find freedom again. the darkness that surrounded me battled daily to drown out a God who promises to know my inner self, who promises to take care of the details. but Light has come.
i have found Freedom and while it also leaves a great deal of space for fear, Faith fills in the gaps. and it is the Faith that i am learning to lean on- the Faith that, when the thicket threatens to drown out my dreams, strengthens them even more. the Faith that speaks the dreams to my heart continually, long after the job search has subsided and my head and heart has cleared. the Faith that, admist my emotions and fancies scattering in a million directions, stands strong. and i am learning to listen to that Faith. and while it seems quite impossible that a God so huge could be concerned with someone so small as myself and with such a will of my own, i am learning to rest in the knowledge that He who created me to be so intimately known satisfies that desire in Himself and in doing so, concerns Himself with the details because i am the details.
Monday, August 24, 2009
i hate dentists
nothing like a dentist appointment to put one in a sour mood.
I left my dentist with the information that I have 13....count them...13 cavities.
Now granted I have not been to the dentist in over a year...but its still been less than 2 years....
13?
really?
my other dentist never called anything he filled before even cavities and that was only 2...just weak enamel. i think this one might be a bit overambitious. And all of this...with no dental insurance.
now my parents are very gracious people and loving parents and that's why I went to the dentist in the first place, because they said they were willing to pay for it. And now, if they choose to get it all done eventually, they will be about $3500 poorer because of it. hopefully not all right now...in installments of course. never mind how my mouth will feel. i should get dental insurance asap.
it was a depressing reality check for me, and not just because I need to start flossing more regularly.
how in the world am I supposed to make this work? this being life...the simple practicalities.
a job, health insurance, dental insurance, car insurance, housing, food, clothing. its enough to make a person's head spin and wonder how in the world do you even tackle that pile? my situation at camp right now is perfect in regards to all of those things, minus the dental insurance. its a job that provides health insurance and free housing and food and enough money to cover the details. but I want more.
I'm not talking about finding the dream job. I'm just talking about finding a job and life of my own. I feel like I'm finally ready. I don't want to make a ton of money. money can't fix everything.
[I already knew my teeth were screwed up and somebody already spent six years trying to fix them and they're still messed up and they are only going to deteriorate more. let's face it. unless we're under 18, our bodies are all deteriorating as we speak, no matter what we do to counter it. I already know my body is screwed up. I have an anxiety problem that is probably destroying my stomach and not much that I can do about it.]
money can't fix any of that stuff and I'm really trying to learn that money and job isn't security and this is one of those moments where God is testing me. I feel absolutely awful to make them spend that much money on my stupid teeth which apparently I do an awful job of taking care of as well. And if I didn't feel so good about having decided to go to Paris, it would make me feel awful about spending money on that whole adventure. and how horribly inpractical it could have been. but Paris taught me a few invaluable things.
Paris showed me that I can be on my own, that I want to be on my own, that I long to be on my own, and maybe it means I will end up spending the rest of my life on my own and that's ok. Not lonely there's a distinction, just on my own. I will still have friends. but I fell in love with the absolute freedom I had in Paris. not only because it was a city and I could go anywhere whenever I wanted but because I was free to choose. I was free to set my own responsibilities. but today I realized with that freedom comes great personal responsibility in those practical matters of life. and that responsibility is large enough to make me question whether I can make it work. it scares me.
BUT I was incredibly scared of Paris and loved it.
I have found that the things I am most afraid of doing (besides heights and zip lines and roller coasters..those kinds of things) are the things that I end up loving the most. I was scared to death to stay at camp this summer because I was aware of how many circumstances could have gone awry and it is that very awareness that makes me incredibly grateful that I walked away feeling as if I did my best, still made friends, loved the kids, and didn't walk away bitter.
I am scared to move out on my own but I want it more than anything else right now.
And that will become evident in my search because as we all know, unless I really really want something, well it just doesn't happen.
I left my dentist with the information that I have 13....count them...13 cavities.
Now granted I have not been to the dentist in over a year...but its still been less than 2 years....
13?
really?
my other dentist never called anything he filled before even cavities and that was only 2...just weak enamel. i think this one might be a bit overambitious. And all of this...with no dental insurance.
now my parents are very gracious people and loving parents and that's why I went to the dentist in the first place, because they said they were willing to pay for it. And now, if they choose to get it all done eventually, they will be about $3500 poorer because of it. hopefully not all right now...in installments of course. never mind how my mouth will feel. i should get dental insurance asap.
it was a depressing reality check for me, and not just because I need to start flossing more regularly.
how in the world am I supposed to make this work? this being life...the simple practicalities.
a job, health insurance, dental insurance, car insurance, housing, food, clothing. its enough to make a person's head spin and wonder how in the world do you even tackle that pile? my situation at camp right now is perfect in regards to all of those things, minus the dental insurance. its a job that provides health insurance and free housing and food and enough money to cover the details. but I want more.
I'm not talking about finding the dream job. I'm just talking about finding a job and life of my own. I feel like I'm finally ready. I don't want to make a ton of money. money can't fix everything.
[I already knew my teeth were screwed up and somebody already spent six years trying to fix them and they're still messed up and they are only going to deteriorate more. let's face it. unless we're under 18, our bodies are all deteriorating as we speak, no matter what we do to counter it. I already know my body is screwed up. I have an anxiety problem that is probably destroying my stomach and not much that I can do about it.]
money can't fix any of that stuff and I'm really trying to learn that money and job isn't security and this is one of those moments where God is testing me. I feel absolutely awful to make them spend that much money on my stupid teeth which apparently I do an awful job of taking care of as well. And if I didn't feel so good about having decided to go to Paris, it would make me feel awful about spending money on that whole adventure. and how horribly inpractical it could have been. but Paris taught me a few invaluable things.
Paris showed me that I can be on my own, that I want to be on my own, that I long to be on my own, and maybe it means I will end up spending the rest of my life on my own and that's ok. Not lonely there's a distinction, just on my own. I will still have friends. but I fell in love with the absolute freedom I had in Paris. not only because it was a city and I could go anywhere whenever I wanted but because I was free to choose. I was free to set my own responsibilities. but today I realized with that freedom comes great personal responsibility in those practical matters of life. and that responsibility is large enough to make me question whether I can make it work. it scares me.
BUT I was incredibly scared of Paris and loved it.
I have found that the things I am most afraid of doing (besides heights and zip lines and roller coasters..those kinds of things) are the things that I end up loving the most. I was scared to death to stay at camp this summer because I was aware of how many circumstances could have gone awry and it is that very awareness that makes me incredibly grateful that I walked away feeling as if I did my best, still made friends, loved the kids, and didn't walk away bitter.
I am scared to move out on my own but I want it more than anything else right now.
And that will become evident in my search because as we all know, unless I really really want something, well it just doesn't happen.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
full circle
summer is ending and i'm realizing how full circle my life has truly come.
i discovered on facebook last night that my ex-fiance is now engaged again. it's been three years. good for him. and that chapter in my life is officially closed.
i have also discovered in the last few days that i have yet again been unsuccessful in breaking my summer camp crush tradition, though i did manage most of the summer to not let this happen. i have let a guy get too close. i guess i always gravitate towards one male or another during the summer. i even tried really hard this summer not to but its hard when one actively pursues you. i only had friendship in mind and it worked really well. i honestly can say i was not 'on the prowl'. but this last week something has changed and i screwed up/i'm screwed yet again. its not too close for him, this time...but too close for me b.c he can't/won't follow through. just like my other experiences. i'm learning though b.c there isn't any expectation at all of follow through this time. and i'm learning that i will speak my mind to preserve my dignity. i've refrained in the past b.c i've wanted them to be men and own up to it. but this time i don't care. i will say something and promptly...just to give me some freedom. life has come full circle yet again.
i discovered on facebook last night that my ex-fiance is now engaged again. it's been three years. good for him. and that chapter in my life is officially closed.
i have also discovered in the last few days that i have yet again been unsuccessful in breaking my summer camp crush tradition, though i did manage most of the summer to not let this happen. i have let a guy get too close. i guess i always gravitate towards one male or another during the summer. i even tried really hard this summer not to but its hard when one actively pursues you. i only had friendship in mind and it worked really well. i honestly can say i was not 'on the prowl'. but this last week something has changed and i screwed up/i'm screwed yet again. its not too close for him, this time...but too close for me b.c he can't/won't follow through. just like my other experiences. i'm learning though b.c there isn't any expectation at all of follow through this time. and i'm learning that i will speak my mind to preserve my dignity. i've refrained in the past b.c i've wanted them to be men and own up to it. but this time i don't care. i will say something and promptly...just to give me some freedom. life has come full circle yet again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)