Had a phone conversation with a good friend that took me back a few spaces and places in time.
to places I haven't been
to people I haven't seen
and lives I haven't lived
and pasts I haven't pondered
in quite awhile.

I don't particularly have good feelings about the place that is called Fort Wayne. The bad associations used to be attached to a specific person. But now it seems to be more general. not entirely sure what to do with that and so it is easy to speak in sweeping generalizations.

but more than that, it is what to do with it. at the root of my aversion is just plain lack of knowledge. when i don't know how to do something, i often avoid it until something forces me to figure it out. i do it all the time in my job. the timer on the lights out front is off. has been for months. i've tried fixing it, but i don't know how so it remains unfixed.

so i don't know how to deal with the fact that i am not connected at all anymore with the physical location or the people with which i spent a major chunk of my life. and now i am so different.
these things they change you.
they change how you see those you left behind.
they change how you see yourself.

and there really is no easy way to deal with it. i could go back, but it won't be like the movies. i won't come home and rediscover my lost self and decide to stay forever. since leaving i've rather found myself instead of losing myself. it's painful to deal with that disconnect.
it is painful to say to those i left, it has been better that i did so.
.repeatedly.
it is better that i left fort wayne for college.
it is better that my parents moved.
it is better that i left chicago after college.
it is better that i moved to new jersey from michigan.

I've found freedom i'd never known.
God has met me in taking those leaps of faith.
And yet i feel pride--and shame in saying those things.
in acknowledging the growth that has come in my life because i moved, changed things.
because I love where I'm at. what I'm doing. how I'm living my life.
like i've disgraced and disappointed those i've left behind by leaving and not wanting to come back.
-while still aching for someone who knows it all, for someone with which to entrust my history and live with now-
and still thinking it's pretty damn hard to keep in touch, relate, etc. with those who know and to what end?

so it's not so much that my feelings are bad in themselves, but the questions they raise aren't easily answered.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, 

we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand,

 and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, 

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame, 

because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5

I'm a recovering pessimist--

much of my life spent attempting to stifle hope and deny disappointment.

My recovery began with a confession,

a leaving behind of the phrases of denial,

I'm just being practical, 

keeping realistic expectations, 

saving myself the disappointment,

I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist.

For the realistic end of pessimism is death and destruction. A world where all things fade away, nothing lasts, and there is no hope. Life at the hands of blind, destructive fate is empty. Yet hope always found a way.

It bubbled up in unexpected places, catching me by surprise, smacking me with disappointment. Disappointment always shows where you've placed your hope. It shows the inevitability of hoping, how it sneaks up behind you as you're trying to stuff it down in front of you. Anything to avoid disappointment, which will always find you if that hope is put in the wrong place.

What about on the shelf with the books that I read? 

Or in my purse with the cash in my wallet? 

Why not on my wall with that degree that I earned?

Or with the (invisible) ring on my finger?

It's gotta go somewhere. Tangible things are the natural way to hope. But hoping in broken circumstances and people leaves you hopeless. It requires lowering, and lowering, and lowering your expectations for it always disappoints. It always fails. It never fully satisfies.

The first step to solving a problem is accepting that you have one. 

And I had one, still do. 

But God does not disappoint.

i always have a million ways that i start these things in my head.
until i sit down to start one--
and they all escape me.

there are these different ideas rolling around,
competing with each other.
and no outlet.

it's like i need to write a manifesto or something.
get all these theories out of my head
to leave space for the rest of life.

sometimes i wish there were someone who would just ask me about these crazy things.
most people don't really want to hear about why i think philosophy is important
or how our culture lies to us, what makes a good movie or painting or song.
and i wonder what to do with it all.

surely there must be a place for it to be used--
without overwhelming people.
or getting into stupid debates.
but really making people stop and think.
see the world differently.

i wish i knew what avenue to take.
but i guess it'll reveal itself eventually.
til then....