there's something about space that i am learning.
not physical space, of which i have greatly lacked in the past.
but mental/emotional space.

there's something about a person who doesn't give space that causes me to clench on the inside. i wonder if its something connected to maturity--or personality. that they always must make themselves known. why? why do you need to make yourself known?
if i'm not answering, shouldn't that be enough of a clue?

it's rooted in something much deeper than just the words.
and it's something i've encountered before. a lot.
b.c my openness lends me to be taken advantage of, in this respect.

the need to be known is in all of us.
it is meant to drive us to our Creator, the only one who can truly know us.
when that need is not fulfilled in Him, we take from others in desperation.
those who are more open and honest in their desperation make us cringe. because we think we're better than them, and yet it is the very things that we hate in others that we truly hate in ourselves. their desperation is a mirror for our own souls. and we shirk back, appalled.

i've been getting more annoyed lately with people. some has to do with my level of exhaustion. but more it has to do with the mirror that is being held in my face persistently as i let people in my life. see the thing is...when you've lived alone and worked a job that largely puts you around children...you forget how messy adults are. we're really all children on the inside, but its those of us who refuse to acknowledge this that makes life difficult for the rest of us. because in refusing to acknowledge, we put on layers, hiding who we really are instead of being honest.

why can't we just be honest? with each other as much as with ourselves.

i'm feeling poisoned by facebook.

and tv/netflix.

and my cell phone.

and email.

yesterday i forgot my cell at home.

and i felt naked-

for awhile.

then i got over it.

it disgusts me.

i desire what is real-

even in the small things.

paper and pen.

face to face.

active engagement instead of passive consumption.

out in the middle of nowhere with no television, hardly any cell phone reception, and poor wifi, i was free.

and now i'm enslaved.

more so than i've ever been before.

i balk at my ability to assimilate.

my desire to be connected resulting in hours on facebook.

what a waste.

as i type this-

on my blog.

need to break free.

to be real again.

to taste life without this ever increasing addiction to know others through false means.

why in the world do i ever need to know what an acquaintance did today?

what a waste of my brain.

to mindlessly entertain myself.

why in the world can't i sit down and read? or paint? or anything besides electronic media!?

what a waste of my time.

i'm filled with information i don't need. entertainment i did nothing to gain.

a life that frustrates instead of fulfills.

Jesus, set me free.

life has caught up with me.

and i haven't much to write about.

correction: i haven't much energy to write with.

but my life hasn't been this calm in quite awhile.

i think i'm still recovering from the last year or so.

i still marvel that i don't arrive home completely exhausted and drained every night.

i'm transitioning out of survival mode.

and entering people mode.

which is actually just as draining but in a different way.

i'm not used to having people this involved in my life.

it's been awhile. actually i'm not sure when it's ever been to this extent.

i've always had 'other' things to do to serve as a buffer.

this job doesn't really serve as a buffer at all.

as a matter of fact it puts me right in the middle of it even more.

i've found myself becoming more cynical already. less grateful.

i've no doubt God has me where i am for a very good reason. but it's not really about my job at all. and that's fine. it doesn't need to be. but it does mean i have to be much more conscious about my attitude towards my job. and watch my tongue. check my attitude.

i can't decide if my lack of motivation in certain areas such as my living situation post-June and my future education are because i'm becoming lazy or just letting down my guard. either way, i'm not feeling it. though i am getting a bit more concerned about the living situation as the drive becomes more and more tedious.

this is my life now. a stable job. a stable living situation. people involved in my life.

a year ago i never would've imagined it turning out like this.