so parents really are smart people

my parents came to visit this last week and while it was absolute chaos to have them here at camp during my last week of work and while the program office peoples were arriving, they both made a very good point about what i am doing here at camp. at one point my dad said something about how i am doing very well for myself..which to me is a kind of duh b.c well i make the most of every opportunity much to the dismay of many people around me..but something i have lost sight of b.c of how difficult this year has been. AND no matter what, my parents' approval will always be the one thing that i seek out most, whether i fully realize it or not. and while i'm a lot like both of them, i am also very distinctly my own person. that is something i am always going to struggle with understanding b.c well you never really REALLY want to see yourself turn out just like your mom or dad BUT there are some things that i really do want to emulate--which is saying something b.c my respect level for them has not always been very high.
Also both my mom and dad pointed out that it takes a lot of hard work and perserverance to work your way into a place, which i've always known and thought common knowledge until this year. the people i work with don't really think that way, or at least aren't as practiced at thinking that way and its something that has been driven into my brain since well forever. SO it was good to hear that again from them and to understand even better that while my parents have raised me that way, not everybody else has quite gotten that point.
Finally, my dad sent a text message and said it repeatedly throughout the weekend that i am doing a good thing here. its been so damn hard that i never thought about the fact that its good. i've felt ashamed of the work that i do b.c it makes other people uncomfortable or feel guilty. but i am doing something good. huh. who knew?

transition

Thus begins the next transition.

I have packed and moved my stuff yet again.

not far...about 500 feet-

but each time it means sorting and throwing away-

another act of processing my life.

and while i leave for a week the place i have finally come to be reasonably comfortable in (as frustrating as it is) will be transformed into summer.

and i'm not ready.

hopefully this week away will bring the transition but in reality all i want is to spend the summer in a hole. i have expended so much energy this year to bring myself into reasonable terms with all of those around me that i have none left for this summer. 

no one has been putting energy into me. 

hopefully this summer brings a few friends who can pour into me as much as i pour into them.

it has been a good year--a learning year--

but it has not provided me with much strength.

for the first time last night in a looooong time (minus a few rare occurrences outside of camp)

 i didn't spend my time calculating how long i was spending with someone. 

and i felt comfortable to just be.

now i'm afraid once summer begins that won't be true anymore.

in actuality it probably will occur more but i don't have much faith right now.

someday.....