Conversations at loud parties are so much fun! Frees me up to be more expressive than I would be in normal conversation without scaring the person half to death. Granted I tend to match whatever style of conversation a person has. But that's for another post. 

Talking with a friend last night, speaking to his insecurities and baggage that he carries from his pasts, made me realize I was preaching at myself. I could speak so well to him because it was like I was talking to myself without having to recognize it.

Generalization: There are two kinds of people in the world of relationships. Those who see relationships as hard work as they attempt to remain themselves and those who find them to be utter bliss in which to lose themselves. It's really more of a spectrum, one on which I fall more on the side of hard work and less on the utter bliss. I'd prefer to be myself and be alone rather than lose myself and share life with someone else.

I used to tire of all people. My annoyance with them and exhaustion from them would drive me to isolate. There are so many reasons why. Reasons I can see more clearly now that they no longer exist. My own insecurities were often reflected in the other and I could not bear to look at myself.
Those same insecurities drove me to need to be needed and kept me in situations of emotional over involvement time and time again.
Meanwhile all the time, attempting to be what the other person wanted instead of who I really was always resulted in exhaustion. Hiding is incredibly exhausting.

So you would think being set froom from those insecurities, the hiding, the confusion would mean that I'm now free to be on my own. And while it has rid me of the need to be needed, it has also freed me to be in the company of others without hindrance. It has freed me to find true enjoyment in knowing and being known. But sometimes I lose sight of that.

For instance in the last few days with the moving of my roommate, I've found myself wanting to isolate and detach from those I know because I don't like the feeling of loss. I'm aware of it but I don't always have the strength to fight it. But last night a friend urged me to come out to this party where I had this conversation with another friend about how it is good to be in relationship. Yes, you'll have those times where their decisions affect you in ways that totally stress you out (packing up a roommate's stuff in less than 24 hrs :-P) or leave you feeling a bit hollow on the inside (missing said roommate while another gets engaged), but to know well and be known well far outweighs the broken moments of this world. Fear of hurting or being hurt should not keep us in our own little worlds because we'll miss the good of life and love. That is true redemption.

Had a phone conversation with a good friend that took me back a few spaces and places in time.
to places I haven't been
to people I haven't seen
and lives I haven't lived
and pasts I haven't pondered
in quite awhile.

I don't particularly have good feelings about the place that is called Fort Wayne. The bad associations used to be attached to a specific person. But now it seems to be more general. not entirely sure what to do with that and so it is easy to speak in sweeping generalizations.

but more than that, it is what to do with it. at the root of my aversion is just plain lack of knowledge. when i don't know how to do something, i often avoid it until something forces me to figure it out. i do it all the time in my job. the timer on the lights out front is off. has been for months. i've tried fixing it, but i don't know how so it remains unfixed.

so i don't know how to deal with the fact that i am not connected at all anymore with the physical location or the people with which i spent a major chunk of my life. and now i am so different.
these things they change you.
they change how you see those you left behind.
they change how you see yourself.

and there really is no easy way to deal with it. i could go back, but it won't be like the movies. i won't come home and rediscover my lost self and decide to stay forever. since leaving i've rather found myself instead of losing myself. it's painful to deal with that disconnect.
it is painful to say to those i left, it has been better that i did so.
.repeatedly.
it is better that i left fort wayne for college.
it is better that my parents moved.
it is better that i left chicago after college.
it is better that i moved to new jersey from michigan.

I've found freedom i'd never known.
God has met me in taking those leaps of faith.
And yet i feel pride--and shame in saying those things.
in acknowledging the growth that has come in my life because i moved, changed things.
because I love where I'm at. what I'm doing. how I'm living my life.
like i've disgraced and disappointed those i've left behind by leaving and not wanting to come back.
-while still aching for someone who knows it all, for someone with which to entrust my history and live with now-
and still thinking it's pretty damn hard to keep in touch, relate, etc. with those who know and to what end?

so it's not so much that my feelings are bad in themselves, but the questions they raise aren't easily answered.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, 

we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand,

 and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, 

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame, 

because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5

I'm a recovering pessimist--

much of my life spent attempting to stifle hope and deny disappointment.

My recovery began with a confession,

a leaving behind of the phrases of denial,

I'm just being practical, 

keeping realistic expectations, 

saving myself the disappointment,

I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist.

For the realistic end of pessimism is death and destruction. A world where all things fade away, nothing lasts, and there is no hope. Life at the hands of blind, destructive fate is empty. Yet hope always found a way.

It bubbled up in unexpected places, catching me by surprise, smacking me with disappointment. Disappointment always shows where you've placed your hope. It shows the inevitability of hoping, how it sneaks up behind you as you're trying to stuff it down in front of you. Anything to avoid disappointment, which will always find you if that hope is put in the wrong place.

What about on the shelf with the books that I read? 

Or in my purse with the cash in my wallet? 

Why not on my wall with that degree that I earned?

Or with the (invisible) ring on my finger?

It's gotta go somewhere. Tangible things are the natural way to hope. But hoping in broken circumstances and people leaves you hopeless. It requires lowering, and lowering, and lowering your expectations for it always disappoints. It always fails. It never fully satisfies.

The first step to solving a problem is accepting that you have one. 

And I had one, still do. 

But God does not disappoint.

i always have a million ways that i start these things in my head.
until i sit down to start one--
and they all escape me.

there are these different ideas rolling around,
competing with each other.
and no outlet.

it's like i need to write a manifesto or something.
get all these theories out of my head
to leave space for the rest of life.

sometimes i wish there were someone who would just ask me about these crazy things.
most people don't really want to hear about why i think philosophy is important
or how our culture lies to us, what makes a good movie or painting or song.
and i wonder what to do with it all.

surely there must be a place for it to be used--
without overwhelming people.
or getting into stupid debates.
but really making people stop and think.
see the world differently.

i wish i knew what avenue to take.
but i guess it'll reveal itself eventually.
til then....

life is so ironic.
or maybe I just see it that way.
maybe I look for the irony.
I think I do.

something has happened in the last few months while I wasn't looking.
I didn't have time to. it was one thing after the other.
at work.
at home.
out and about.
in my head and my heart.
somewhere in the chaos I found a few pieces of myself--
more than I expected.

it's funny how that happens.
so often we come through experiences, times when we just survive, on the other side, surprised by the pieces with which we are left.

I'm really starting to like those pieces.

even just six months ago, I would've quaked when confronted at work, or even by a friend. now, not so much. this girl who has grown up, hiding in the shadows, all too often forgotten. just as much crushed by the anonymity as reveling in it. for the first time i'm meeting people fully myself, without filter (though still possessing some tact, i hope). that shy girl, she still comes out. but she's not who I am anymore. she was born of insecurity. yes, I'm an introvert and oft overwhelmed by loud noises, crowded places, smells, etc. not because I'm less of a person, just different.

I like that I like what I like.
no longer shamed by my personality, I can truly be me.
however ridiculous and honest and awkward and fun and quirky that may be.

subtle shift
something deeper is satisfied
life feels lighter

i've wrestled...
and won, for now.
til the next time.

but then it will be different,
while still the same.
and only One gives Hope.

it's funny to say when exactly freedom came.
i've only just noticed it.

nothing drastic has changed on the outside.
but space is now mine.

space to hear and see.
so simple.
a walk.
a day alone.
time to cook my own meal.

no longer living on borrowed time.

i have brief moments of clarity, like the smoke screen is lifted for just a second.
they haven't been happening as much lately. i chalk it up to all the 'otherness' demanding my attention.
it's not just attention, it's energy and general mind space.
i. want. my. mind space. back.

give it to me.
it's a tug of war.
me on one side.
and life on the other.
and right now i'm acting like a two year old who is desperately losing and throwing a hissy fit.

the present realities weigh me down. they empty me of my previous selves and my future selves. i lose sight so easily. and then something like this morning jars me. it reminds me of where i've come from. ah, how i have forgotten where i've come from. it's so easy to do here. this world is so disconnected from everything i've known before. to fully be myself now requires remembering who i have been.

people that i know now. here. know me better, more fully, than i've ever been known before. i am free to be who i want to be. that is the beauty of the east coast. freedom. but with that freedom can come great listlessness. i'm finding when you aren't grounded in your past, the present feels random and monotonous, without meaning and very little sense of progress. the past, it still leaks out. but it's not nearly as obvious when the people around you don't know it. and when your present circumstances are so far removed from anything you've ever known before.

i was totally dumbstruck riding home with a friend at 3 a.m. from a rooftop party in brooklyn. i think exhaustion removed the filter of hiding where i've been. to him, it wasn't strange. he's from brooklyn. we drove by the hospital in which he was born. and words failed me. there was absolutely no way for me to effectively communicate how drastically removed this life is from anything i've known thus far. no way. the sheer shock and how out of my element i felt. that is something i still feel many, many ordinary days.
if my childhood friends knew me now. what would they say?
this adel is nothing like the one they knew.
and if my current friends knew me when i was a child, what would they say?
would we even be friends?

i am such a product of that with which i surround myself, immersed in the experience.
addicted to experience. often wondering if i'm lost in others' experiences.

maybe as artists we are just meant to provide people with a backdrop to see themselves.

‎"People [always] think you are better than you are or worse than you are no matter who you are. So don't EVER let your identity exist anywhere as easily corrupted as the mind of another...messes with your head."

just need to sit for awhile.
sit and be.

show me please who i am supposed to be.
show me please how to be me.

who can i lean on?
who will save me?

keep and sustain me.

I'm struggling with this dichotomy,
not that i expect there to be an answer.
but always valuable to state a paradox.
to fully hold one in tension with the other--
if only for a moment.

exhaustion.
what is the cause?
when is it good?
when is it bad?

when is it a sign that one is forcing something that shouldn't happen?
when is it a sign to quit?
when is it my own fault, fighting a fight i shouldn't fight?
when is it to be ignored?
when does one push through, persevere, etc?
and when do i say enough?

what do you do when you can't say enough?
when there isn't an option to say no?

how long is too long?
and how long is not enough?

see i've got this stubborn streak in me
this indignation that springs up

sometimes i think it's a personal vendetta upon some people
let's be honest, sometimes it is.

other times it's just in response to someone's attempt to make me what i'm not.
how i can't stand that.
it calls up a frustration that runs deep.

and then there's lies.
blatant lies.

there's a difference between growth and conformity.
between truth and projection.
conflict and aggression.

i seek the growth that truth brings and recognize it often means conflict especially in myself and possibly in others. I welcome that kind of conflict.
i also fully acknowledge that i have a tendency to run away from messy conflict, frustration, aggression, etc. but you can sure as hell bet, i'm not going to stand up for something that i don't agree with.
so don't tell me i should.

when did sharing the gospel become a crusade of rights?

to be fighting for truth is to dismantle the lies we all believe about ourselves, about God, about life.
i fight on the ground. in people's lives.
you can fight your crusade of rights.
don't mind me if i choose not to.

Psalm 139
English Standard Version (ESV)
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
7  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12  even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15  My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
     Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

This psalm is incredibly familiar to us, as my coworker stated when giving the devotion. And it is often these that we breeze over with pure intellectual assent.Today however as I listened to my coworker bring out the nuance of the Hebrew (the Hebrew word translated as hem here is used in other places meaning to seige as in battle), the Spirit brought out a comfort for my heart as well as my intellect that echoed throughout our conversation the other week.

I desire to be known. It is something that has destroyed me many, many times. I have met with utter failure, disgrace, shame, and bitterness in my efforts to be known by family, friends, classmates, teachers, directors, bosses, coworkers, did i say friends?, and dare i not forget, boyfriends. And oh yes let's not forget the means by which I often try to make myself known, my art, music, creativity, activities, intellect, advice, presence, participation, listening ear, wisdom, and the list goes on...and on...and on. It drives the way I listen to others, how I treat children, why I take the time, why I give seemingly endlessly to others' efforts. I am passionate about making people know that they are known. Because we all desire to be known.

Today, though, God answered a prayer for me. He spoke a healing word to my heart. He took care of me.

He knows my desire to be known. And He created me with that desire so that I would know Him better.
He made me this way.
He knows the perpetual ache of my heart to be known, even by myself. He knows the frustration I often feel and how it manifests itself in so many ridiculous ways.He gets the drive that keeps me looking for jobs, for the next location, for the better way to be a friend, for the next outlet for creativity.
He gets it because He put it there. Because He loves me!

Thank God my family did not notice me growing up.
Thank God my parents did not understand me as a teenager.
Thank God my teachers' praise never fully satisfied.
Thank God my brains are never enough.
Thank God my creativity leaves me restless.
Thank God my friends drive me crazy sometimes.
Thank God a man has not come into my life.
Thank God I have no children by which to fill my life.
Thank God my job drains me of life.
Thank God I am often overlooked.
Thank God I am often unappreciated, used, abused, taken for granted.
Thank God my hard work will always leave me wanting.
Thank God my life is just a shadow of what is to come.
Thank God that I am never fully known. here. now. by anyone. or through anything.

Otherwise, I would not search. I would not pine. I would not press to find my worth in You.
Thank God that You, and only You have made me known.

No one knew my name.
No one cared.
Only God saw my face.
Only God dared.

Light bounces, sparkling from place to place.
Empty eyes are filled with grace.
Sorrow empties, allowing space
for the Spirit to be embraced.

We grow like weeds
in empty space.

We are wonders upon wonders.
We are all real human beings.
Why must we put on such faces?
A deeper Reality whispers. Truth beckons.
Freedom has a tantalizing taste.
Yet we hide behind the fake-
what others want us to say-
instead of asking God to break in and save us.

broken shattered glass
impervious to nothing
opening the window to my soul
sharp edges slice unintentionally
leaving the innocent wounded
frustration flows
individuals cry out
injustice is wrought day in and day out
my name is noble
yet i feel none of these
i am made whole
yet i lack all of these
who can rescue? who can save?
only One with Grace.

i've got completion lust
for a girl who used to be able to procrastinate with the best of them,
i've got this hankering to barrel through everything in my path.
it's a control thing.
i'm aware.

not quite sure where to put all of this energy.
a lack of direction makes it hard to remember what it is all about.
satisfaction comes in completing little tasks.
efficiency is a drug.
one i'm quite addicted to.

it robs me of my joy in serving,
bursting out in the oddest of circumstances.
it's a shield.
protects me from dealing with the larger dissatisfaction.
or maybe that's a hiding place.

i feel like i'm encountering the same things and thereby, in danger of feeling the same things.
and so in hopes of not feeling the same things because i'm tired of this stage/cycle, i just avoid.

not the people or the situations--just the feelings.
after all, how many times can a person get frustrated and feel hollow inside because of their lack of direction?
i really attempt to avoid it at all costs, trust me. i hate feeling this way as much as you hate listening to it.
i try to abide in Christ and trust His plan. and so often, my emotions stay in line.
but right here, right now it doesn't do anything for the frustration that seethes beneath the surface.
i don't trust. plain and simple.
it's not that my life sucks. it's actually quite alright.
which is why this hollow feeling inside my chest just doesn't quite make sense.
and bothers me so much.
i have a stable, pretty enjoyable living situation.
i have many good friends.
i have a stable albeit directionless job.
my finances are in good standing.
my health is good, i'm even taking time to get in shape.
i have many art projects and ideas started.

yet this frustration from somewhere is boiling over.
and here i am puzzled, trying to understand what i lack.
there's something God is asking of me. i don't know what it is.
and i'm too afraid to ask.

something deep, that will take much time to uncover.
the task seems never ending and insurmountable.
i spend an hour or two and feel like i've not even begun.
i tire easily and distract myself.
give me strength to rest.

hit by a truck
on the ground
pumping blood to nowhere

hanging on the edge
coiled like a spring
running in circles

death slowly creeps
lurking unbelief
hollow exhaustion

two steps ahead
not even--
fog.

hints of light
outlines of things to come
the taste nearly on lips

still out of reach

space between hemispheres
of the brain
reprieve from the ever-demanding present

nowhere
and yet somewhere.
how can one go there if it doesn't exist?

and yet it is the space between
the present and the past and the future
the thoughts of myself and others
demands and desires--
where none of them exist.

where my own plans don't conflict
with the plans of others.
where my thoughts don't fight to be heard
over others.
where my heart doesn't struggle to feel right
--or wrong.

where one can just be.

where answers don't matter
and questions can always be asked.

sometimes the pleasure is in the asking--
not the answer.

how i love to ask questions.
to let my mind wander
without being hemmed in.
answers trap, confine, choke.

a time and a place
but not here, not now.
just need some space.

it's hard to hide
the mind's eye
the heart's desire

empty, searching
dwelling in the space between
sometimes things just need to be

what they are
without explanation
sometimes the heart needs to rest

in the imperfection
the messiness of life
feel the full weight of the present

hidden under the clothes
of the past and future
hopes, dreams, fears, nightmares

behind laughter ends
raw emotion begins
escape to silence

the unknown glaring
gaping an empty quarry
water wearing away

dissolving resolve.

hittin'
bumpin'
bruisin'
up against a brick wall

ping pong
back and forth
from one ego to the next
tossed to and fro

weary
from all the talk
the endless need to fill the space
the pressure to conform
to change

do my words require an answer?
why is there always an answer?
as i share
my thoughts hit that wall called ego

i'm not asking for defenses
i'm not asking for reasons
my words are not meant to indict
they're just my thoughts
take them or leave them
but stop fighting them
it's wearing me out

i stop sharing
when i have to fight to be heard
when i hit a brick wall
only a fool would keep trying

i'm so tired.
and i'm tired of being tired.

i feel like i've been punishing myself.
punishing myself for being young.
for being single.
creative.
smart.

i think i've been working against myself for the last few years.
maybe my whole life.
making choices that show how responsible i am.
taking actions that groom my maturity.
doing things to prove i'm worthwhile.
and you know i wanted God to work all that proving, working stuff out of me.
and yet here i am.
still proving myself.
still trying to shout hey look at me i'm worth something...aren't i? i need you to tell me that.
and i am so tired.
beyond tired.
beyond exhaustion.
sleep does not fulfill.
a day on the beach won't be enough.
a week of vacation just stems the tide of exhaustion.

God, how do I stop it?
how do I just be?
be who You want me to be--nothing more, nothing less.
i've wasted so much energy either hiding who i am or trying to be more than i am--but mostly hiding.
i'm such a wimp.
there's nothing more to say.
i've cowered for so long, i wonder if i remember how to stand up straight.
i've ignored my desires in an attempt to be noble.
noble my ass.
i'm stubborn like an ass though that's for sure.
God rid all self-deprecation in heart, word, and deed.
may i be only who You have created me to be.
amen.

i just had a wonderful conversation with a dear dear friend.
it's funny how in sharing things and listening, one ends up confronting oneself. you'd think by now, i'd know this and be used to it. and yet i continued to be surprised.

she was sharing how she sees certain parts of her past as something that doesn't need to be addressed or talked about, believing the lie that they are invalid. and then by the end of our conversation, i was left haunted by something that i considered a blip in my recent past. sigh. and so the processing starts again.

it's a gift, to be able to tell and retell our stories. it's a gift to ourselves and to others. i love stories. i don't think there is a better way to spend a day than finding out someone's story. and the greatest gift we are given in Christ is how He transforms our stories...past, present, and future.

i started at christian union with a whole lot of arrogance.

i thought i knew things.

boy did i think i knew things.

actually i've started most things in life thinkin' i know a thing or two.

and this time, like every other, i have been humbled.

i know so little.

i realize that now.

life isn't about me.

things aren't as black and white as we'd like them to be.

my selfish ambition has been subdued by

turning on&off lights, putting out the conference phone, power washing the steps, printing and binding hundreds and hundreds of papers over and over and over again.

without that selfish ambition, i haven't the faintest idea what i'm supposed to be doing.

without my pride to protect me, i hesitate.

i feel naked.

it has been so long since i have stopped to think--really think--

what do i want?

i've been hiding what i want for so long for so many reasons.

the timing is wrong; my desires have been destructive; there isn't space;

in order to survive one must forget.

i forget who i am when so much of me is not required.

but life is awakening around me.

fresh air. green grass. buds showering the ground.

opportunities are coming for those around me

will it ever be my turn?

will the pieces ever fall into place?

when i take the time to think of all that i have been given,

i either feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

all that is teeming inside may be too much for this one life.

so often before, i've thought i know what is right--

what will satisfy.

how wrong i have been.

so wrong.

my heart calls for something more, but i haven't the faintest idea what it is.

i don't know what it looks like.

i don't know where it is.

God it must be out there.

please. please.

find it for me.

You have given me all of these gifts.

You have pruned this branch so much.

Will You give me a place to bloom?

I know there is so much more than my mediocre ideas and feeble attempts.

I am so easily distracted, so easily swayed.

but my heart is weary of distraction. it is weary of trying to see, explain, reason what is at the end of this tunnel. get me out of here. get me to the light.

push me. put me where You want me.

I'm throwing out my paradigm.

it just doesn't work anymore.

y'know it never really did.

there were always gaps.

but it was easier with it--

than without.

comforting, if you will.

concrete is easier than abstract.

boxes easier than open space.

stereotyping than getting to know someone.

but i'm done.

i'm done trying to figure it out.

i'm done trying to classify.

i'm done trying to systematize and rationalize.

it has just been ridiculous.

and sometimes it's been my fault.

as a matter of fact i've blamed myself a lot of the time.

but this last time it wasn't--

at all.

it wasn't anybody's.

it just was. ridiculous.

there are no words.

no one has any.

with each time i tell the story,

i am greeted with silence.

a little bit of awe, a little bit of shock and whole lot of head shaking.

and with each bit of silence, i can't help but laugh.

whatever is going on here is way over my head.

i have two choices.

i can bemoan my life and blame myself.

or I can laugh and trust my Creator.

For the first time, I do laugh--

and not with a cynical edge,

but with true joy.

Because I asked for a crazy life and He gave it to me.

I wanted to trust Him and with each passing experience I do.

And I finally FINALLY have a small grasp, a glimpse into the eternal.

And I genuinely believe with just an ounce of my being that what's coming has got to be awesome.

i wrote this back in november at the end of my week of travel. just realized i never actually posted it.

There is nothing quite like sitting in a nearly empty airport with smooth jazz playing…

It’s a little bit like being frozen in time.

There is neither here nor there.

Just waiting.

Patiently.

What I love about traveling:

It gives perspective.

It satisfies that little monster that roams within my soul.

It used to be exciting sights and new smells and tastes.

It has increasingly become the enjoyment of good company and the simplicity of life.

I am blessed.

I am increasingly becoming convinced that home truly is where the heart is.

And my heart does not lie in one physical location--

But in many with many individuals.

I’ve never lived in St. Louis, but the people make me feel like its my home.

I only spent a few years in Michigan but the people there make it my refuge.

New Jersey has only known my face for 2 years, but the people there will always hold pieces of my heart.

I will never live in a location that fully satisfies.

I will always want more.

But I also am coming to trust that I can always go see a bit more with people that I love.

People aren’t going to leave me.

Friendships do become sweeter with time.

Distance creates depth in those that are worthwhile.

My heart is full…

And looking forward to next time.

so i'm noticing a trend in conversations with my friends . . .
girl friends that is . . .

we all seem to have experienced similar conversations with guys--
almost like they were reading off of the same script.
and i've heard it indirectly more than once before.

at least it clarifies and reinforces for me that what was said wasn't as a result of something i did wrong. or because i'm ugly. or too emotional. or not enough. or--well, you get the point. though that is incredibly difficult not to do.

but it is discouraging.

what does it take for a guy to unravel himself from his own insecurities so he can see someone on the other side?
it'd be nice to not hear for once:
you deserve someone better.
or i have issues to work on.
or you don't want to deal with this.

dear Lord do you think i do this for kicks?
do you really?
do you think i put myself out there just to have you run away?
because i think you should know that i don't just throw myself out there. i don't pull this kinda thing. my instinct always says i'd rather be without--even when my heart says otherwise.

besides, do you think i'm looking for a perfect man?
do you really?
because i'm not.
i'm just looking for one who loves me in my mess and allows me to love him in his.

why is that so hard to find?

Saw a trucker the other day
Early in the morning
coffee in hand
thought to myself
What a life.

To roam free.
To escape life for awhile.
the road passes by.
Neither here nor there.
What a temptation for my roaming heart.

The more I contemplated
The faster my mind ran
Jumped--
Leaped--
To the possibilities.

A plane ticket
Or maybe at train
At least a day away
To a place familiar or unknown,
Just to get some space.

Travel is life outside of itself
Heightened--
With more vibrant colors,
Stronger tastes ,
Crisper smells.

And for once
I thought about bringing a few others along.
I guess I am growing up.
Not being such an isolationist.
Crazy.
Fleeting though it be.

I finally get my moment of silence…
And I can’t stand it.
The growling in my stomach might have something to do with it.
But I know it’s more than that.

Doesn’t matter how you put it
I’m left behind
With shadows of dashed possibilities

Ever the dreamer
Left high and dry
Yet again.

Not by choice
But by circumstance
Like someone is laughing
At my expense.

I delve deep
Drudging up old fears and insecurities
Only to beat them into submission.

Will I ever learn?
But I have.
Even if it can be hard to see.

For as much as I try,
I can’t deny a redemption that isn’t my own,
Even when it feels like life has cheated me.
For there is faith in a plan bigger than ourselves.

Guess what?
For once it isn’t my own doing
--or undoing.
And there is so much hope in that as well.

That maybe….
Just maybe…..
I’m a little bit closer than I was before.

God, how persistent can I be?
Seriously.
I should be giving up right about now.
No.
I should have given up years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a glutton for punishment.
After all, how many shots does a girl really get?
Especially when so many are my own destructive acts of rebellion.
And then when one comes along who is actually good…
The wind rips it away.

But something other than myself
Doesn’t let me stay there.
Someone greater than myself gives me hope
When I really should have absolutely none.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

sidebar: i wonder what it is that makes a blog famous.

there are a few that i check up on pretty frequently-

ones that i found through friends of friends.

the writers are geniuses (in my humble opinion)

theveryworstmissionary.com

theorganicbirdblog.com

i mean i don't read crap. i'm rather picky actually. i don't waste my eyes/time for nothing--

well except grad school research. sigh.

all that scientific crap makes a soul thirsty for words that have, well, soul. but anyways--

that's not really what i wanted write about...entirely.

it is...and it's not.

i'm reading a lot of things that tell me what's wrong with the world in this graduate-school-stage-of-life. social work is all too often more about diagnosing the problem than actually solving it. after all, we have a whole manual of disorders. some of them really make me wonder if we know what a healthy person looks like in our western society. or if this whole act of classifying is really doing us any good.

by creating more and more disorders to classify what is 'wrong' with people, we also let them off the hook. we give them an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions, especially parents for their children. i fully recognize and believe that there are individuals with chemical imbalances that contribute to their perspective on the world and how they cope with stress. we live in an incredibly broken world--physically, emotionally, and mentally. can't be a social worker and deny that.

but somehow i wonder if we're missing the point (and i suppose a humanistic degree such as social work would miss this point). for instead of diagnosing the individual to give them an excuse, or at the very least an explanation, for their behavior, emotions, or mental state, shouldn't it drive us to wonder what the root of the problem really is?

all of these disorders are only symptoms of a much deeper issue. they beg us to ask the questions: what does a healthy human being look like? how does an emotionally stable individual behave? what are healthy relationships made of?

for how can we call these individuals broken without taking a fine tooth comb to our own lives?

in the same token, i've also been experiencing a lot of criticism, not of myself in particular, but of life by those around me outside of the social work program. and it begs me to ask the same question: how can you call these individuals wrong/weird/broken/lost without examining your own life?

where has our humility gone?

behind our good intentions lurks a pride we dare deny;

a self-righteousness clothed in humanistic efforts to save others.

why?

because we have deemed them in need of saving.

when maybe they have been placed here to show us that we are the ones really in need of saving.

i long for words of life and truth--words with soul that are honest and transparent. the criticism, it drains me. it leaves me empty and hollow. the judgment--parched. the self-righteousness--weary. dear God, how we need life to flow through our words.

may life flow through mine.

a belief of mine is about to be challenged.

actually it already is being challenged.

and whatever happens in this situation--

it will be changed because of it.

me and relationships--

very practical. incredibly logical.

they take work, intentionality, and they aren't always fun.

as a matter of fact, having fun is well, a bonus--not expected, especially not right away.

i have lots of people in my life that i have worked hard with which to build relationships.

most of all i know i'm not going to like them all of the time. period.

i know i'm going to want to run away and try the next new adventure.

But God keeps me grounded because people are in my life for a reason--though i don't always entirely know why.

now translate that to a romantic relationship, combine it with my disdain for romanticism and idealization, and you can see a very practical belief forming. a belief in a whole lotta work with no heart behind it. i have been saturated with the idea that romantic love is anything but infatuation and hormones. That is what I have soaked in from my culture, quite unknowingly. But instead of taking their route of short term physical relationships with very little hope of commitment, i've resigned myself to the idea of a committed relationship full of a whole lotta work and very little heart. Because that idea leads to the belief that love between a husband and wife isn't any different than love between friends! yeesh. that's scary.

and depressing.

and why the hell would i want any of that?!

so as i realize that, i'm going to take a leap here and make a stand. while i don't believe in the romantic love that our culture portrays (and i will continue to disdain it for the lies that it tells), i do believe romantic love exists. Though i'll be honest, i'm not entirely sure what healthy romantic love looks like. but i think i'm finally willing to give it a try. . . .

i'm beginning to think i'm a little defunct.

is it weird that i'd just prefer NOT to categorize people?

that i'd prefer NOT to focus on those who are married/dating versus those who aren't?

or those who are working professionals and those who aren't?

or those who have kids and those who do not?

or...heaven forbid, let's push the envelope here...

those who love Jesus and those who don't?

people are people.

plain and simple.

and i'm pretty good with where i'm at right now so i'd prefer not to be categorized and i'll do the same for you. but i'd love to hear your story and listen to your struggles, marvel in your joys. i'd love to dig deep with you and bring Truth to the surface. i'd love to talk about hope and joy and love and faith--what that looks like for you. i'd prefer not to get caught up in labels and stereotypes. Truth doesn't come through categorizing. Hope isn't found in a box. Joy does not flow from the shallows. Faith is not revealed in pat answers.

so can we abandon these soap boxes about issues and start listening to people?

i think that might be where it's all at.