is it egotistical of me to enjoy reading my own blog?

it's got to be.

oh well.

it's funny how as i'm writing something, it feels like it makes no sense whatsoever. my thoughts are jumping all over the place and i struggle to decipher which ones make the cut and which ones don't. but then when i go back and read it a day or two, or especially a month later, a thought process emerges from the jumble of words on the screen that is fluid and clear. God reminds/teaches me something more through my own words.

the last two days have been ones of intensive cleaning/organizing at work--an excellent reprieve from all of the social running arounds of last week. but i think i'm setting myself up for failure. i can only organize like this when i have something on my mind/been too social. pretty soon i'm going to run out of steam.

i was challenged today by a small but mighty book--the pursuit of God by a.w. tozer.

he delved deep into abraham's story and his love for his son isaac. how God had to extract his love for isaac from the throne of his heart. tozer does a phenomenal job of describing the emotional rending of abraham's heart and then the redemption. abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything.

and it brought me back to my own idols. one in particular that i'd pretty much given up for lost a long, long time ago. but people's questions in the last few days made me wonder why i'd stopped considering it. i had a couple of people ask about my desire for children, commenting on how good i am with them. i honestly had to stop and think.

i mean, i love kids. love kids. more and more.

but i couldn't remember the last time i'd truly contemplated having my own. not just as a joke or a random comment, but really dwelt on the thought of having my own children. that stumped me.

until i was cleaning. ah. ha.

it was connected to something else. a cause to explain the effect. that cause goes all the way back to high school and my very first boyfriend. the boyfriend that became the idol of my heart. he came between me and my God--more than once. many, many times. and his cheating on me and my own blatant desire to be desired drove me into another unhealthy relationship immediately following it. and after that relationship ended, i assumed my chances were up. even more than that, i didn't want to touch another serious relationship with a hundred foot pole for fear of him coming between me and my God yet again.

i didn't trust myself. i knew my heart all too well.

so i flirted. i flit. i never landed. and i became like abraham as he wrestled with God the night before isaac's sacrifice. abraham reconciled what God was asking of him with the rationale that He would raise isaac from the dead. as i've wrestled with God about my desire for a relationship and a family, because i have not been able to see how in the world He could ever trust me to give it to me, i have trusted that He would fulfill it in Himself and through other means--working with children, living with friends, etc. but God did not raise isaac from the dead. He didn't even go so far as to have abraham strike him, and yet the purpose was accomplished. abraham's heart was God's throne yet again.

and He has slowly been doing the same for me as well. while He removed the possibility/even the desire for a time to ensure that my heart is His throne, He is asking me to allow that possibility, that dream back in again.

He is restoring for He will do mighty things. And while i don't necessarily trust myself, how can i not trust Him?

i was discussing with a good friend the existential-ness of european films and how he doesn't like it when things don't resolve....

since college philosophy classes (and a few key broken relationships) i've always had a certain fascination with movies/books/art that reflect the existential philosophy. not always for the best. but there nonetheless. friends have even influenced me in their recommendations of what is 'good'. and postmodern art. and my general inability to hold conclusive, real relationships for long periods of time, particularly with guys.

i have been so driven by this irresolution in my life that pervades existentialism, and our culture in general. its been a thought process or i'd go so far as to even say, a belief, that i have not been willing to surrender/deny. and most christians i've encountered would not confront it either. they see the emptiness around them. how can they deny it? what we see is truth, after all. the movies, the books, the art, and ultimately the philosophy are the newest discovery, the latest phenomenon, the mood/temperature of our culture.

and who are we to deny this 'progress'?

because progress is always good. of course.

having now been away from the intellectual/philosophical community for a few years, the hopelessness has faded into the background of just surviving real life. i've had to lean upon my Lord in ways i've never been stretched to do thus far in my life. and i've seen His Faithfulness. i've seen His Resolution. in my life. now.

i used to treat the existential philosophy as the explanation for how the world looks without God and it is easy to understand within that context. it was eye opening for me as it is for anyone when they first explore philosophy. i wanted to experience emotionally how it feels for those without God so that i could relate, yet never forsake Him in the process. as an artist, i want to experience the very depths and as well as the heights of all human experience. it is the explorer in me. but somewhere in there, i began to see my own life through that lens and i've never been quite able to shake it. largely because the hopelessness of the reality that i see has taught me thus far that there is little, if any resolution. i've not seen very many happy endings.

christian circles further emphasize it by cheapening Him and our need for faith. we look at our lives and see so little resolution, stuck within habits and lifestyles that destroy our very souls but seem perfectly natural in culture (materialism, consumerism, tv, internet, etc) and accept it as our lot. this is what God has ordained for me on this side of Heaven. there can't possibly be more than this. so we ignore.

but this is where the artist in me has called me to something greater. despite what i see around me every day. despite the brokenness i have experienced firsthand. despite the mood of our entire culture. something within me craves that resolution, His Resolution. and that is the role of the artist in Creation. we bear witness to the ails of our culture and call it into question. we demand something more. postmodern art/philosophy/literature calls God into question, denying His Existence, demanding another solution. and while i have practically lived my life thus far with a belief in God and a relationship with Him, that has always hung over my head. because they are bearing witness to what they see. all they see is brokenness.

....so when i responded to his thoughts with well that's real life (with a tone implicating that what else do you expect), he astutely questioned: there's no resolution in life? (with a tone that said do you really believe that?)

in that question, it clicked. the existential mindset, while relevant for understanding those who choose to ignore God and all that He is working daily in this world, it is not the whole picture, something that my artistic soul has been longing to hear/understand/grasp for years.

there is resolution.

there are happy endings.

God is working.

a funny feeling has settled into my chest in the last few days.
or maybe it's been there for awhile. it's just becoming undeniable at this point.
it is something unsettling, uneasy, that makes me want to avoid being alone with myself. though i know that's really what i need to do.

it has something to do with the time of year. this was the first holiday with my family where we repeated activities in our new location. this was the first time i spent my new year's somewhere other than miracle camp in 5 years. it has something to do with recent beginnings. i'm beginning a job that could have no end if i choose that. ha. it's the first time in over a year that i have an itch to go somewhere, to travel.

i am beginning to feel the shift my life has taken. and how absolutely real it is. and i am not the same. and i can't go back. i have reached the point of no return. i, in actuality, crossed it months ago when i began to seriously consider jobs in new jersey with that initial visit to new city kids. when i parked that car, after dealing with the flat tire, on that street in jersey city and walked in those doors, i began a process that i had no idea of the implications.

and now i am here. with a job that suits me very well for the time being in a town that is beyond my wildest dreams. i have more to do, more people to love than i could ever dream of. i could not picture a better fit for my life right now. but in that, i also sense the door closing behind me. a choice has been made and with that comes the knowledge of all the other options that can no longer be chosen. i can't go back to the way i lived life before. the midwest will never be the same for me. my home is truly there no longer. there needs to be some mourning with that.

my life here feels so completely surreal. i am experiencing culture shock again, but this time, in the best way possible. though i do expect it to collapse at any moment. maybe that's what this thing is in my chest-fear. having fully committed to something, thereby eliminating a great deal of other options, i fear what i'm committing to will fall through. it is my fear of being trapped with nowhere to go.

i have emotional claustrophobia.