home is found--
quite unexpectedly.
it sort of sneaks up on you when you're not really looking.

you crave it when it's missing or gone awry.
its absence is keenly felt.
the ache it leaves in your gut is unmistakable.

depending on how long you're out of sorts--
if home isn't really home anymore
or doesn't have the same location
or isn't easily accessible
if the people have changed
or moved away
or you have changed--
the light at the end of the tunnel is more of distant memory
than a future reality.

but it's something we never stop longing for--
a place where we feel safe even when life isn't
filled with people we love even when they drive us crazy.
it's written on our hearts.
you can see it in a child's eyes
or in the deep inhale of a college student home for the holidays
or in the sigh of relief of a working parent after a long, hard day.

i think i've found it here.
actually i think it found me.
it snuck up on me when i stopped fighting.
it caught me off guard.
somewhere between the hospital visit and wedding,
i started saying i'm going home--
and it's my home.
it's not where my parents are, or my sister, or where i grew up, or Chicago, or Miracle Camp.
it's here now.
those were all, at one or several points in time, my home, some with a very temporary feeling.
and they were always contigent on a predetermined factor--where i was born, who i was born to, where i chose to go to school or work during school--for a set period of time that i knew would eventually end. and i thought that it would be a long time before i found home again.
for real this time.
on my own terms.
i kept it at bay, arm's length if you will. determined to remain detached.
but somewhere between that hospital visit and wedding, i let my guard down.
and it got me.

you know how i know? because for the first time in a very long time, i'm excited to go on a trip because i know i have somewhere and someone(s) to come back to.
and i'm not afraid it's all going to change.

i think i have effectively passed my day here at the Wilson House doing absolutely nothing for work....

lots of thinking...typing...planning...

but nothing work related. ha.

it is insane that i can pass an entire day writing emails and reading blog posts and researching wedding things and who knows what else...(sounds like i'm getting married-but trust me, i'm not. just everyone else around me)

but i gotta admit, i kinda like it.

i couldn't do it all the time...but every once in a while it sure is nice.

entire days can pass away in my mind.

days spent wondering and wandering.

and i'm the happiest person in the world.

they're great learning days, processing life.

deciding what to hold onto and what to let go.

what's worthwhile and what's not.

who i am and what i am doing.

do you ever just want to stare off into space?

its not that i'm tired. or even overwhelmed.

sometimes i just need to be.

i'd forgotten what it was like to be free.

but someone came along at just the right moment and showed me how again.

that knot-oh that knot. it's gone.

the relief is so tangible, i readily breathe a sigh of relief.

it goes beyond wedding planning, car fixing, hospitalization, moving, new job, moving, americorps, moving, working 2 jobs, dunkin donuts, moving, not knowing what i'm doing with my life, interning, moving, counseling, moving, moving--all the way back to college. (man, have i moved a lot.) all the way back to that girl who lived free.

how sweet it was. free to float and flit and explore. to look at the dates on tombstones or wander around, late at night, musing out loud. to dwell in simplicity together. there were people to do it with me. it's not that i've stopped between college and now, being who i am. it's that i stopped trusting others to do it with me. it's that i couldn't find them. no, that's not even true.

it's that i didn't stay put in one place long enough to trust them. and life got in the way. bills. job searching. apartment hunting. when the big things are uncertain, you stop taking risks in the little things. that's what i've learned over the last few years.

you stop hanging out randomly with people b.c you're too exhausted from the instability of your job, your life, your lack of place in the world.

you can't hop on a plane and fly to another part of world on a whim because anxiety might keep you from getting on the flight. let alone the money...

large, loud, overwhelming places shut you down instead of energize you because you can't find enough space from minute to minute to breathe.

simplicity gets lost in the complexity of having to live life alone and grown up, responsible.

but there must be a way to keep it. a way to feel it in my soul, even as my mind and body is confined. a way to live and love simplicity and be free, to maintain childlike abandonment, amongst the drudgery of the american dream. to not worry about tomorrow, but live for today. i think i've been brainwashed into responsibility.

there's just this tension inside of me, the many sides of my personality. the body that needs to be structured, the mind that needs to be challenged, the heart that needs to be loved, the soul that needs to be free, and they continually conflict with each other. my body needs regular sleep and rest but my heart and soul keep me out late at night. my soul wants to be free of the worries of every day life but my body needs me to work a regular job to house and feed myself. my mind loves to be challenged with tasks and responsibilities for it is easily bored but those tasks and responsibilities often monopolize my life.

i like me but sometimes i don't know what to do with me.

the feeling that sits in your chest...

like a rock.

the knot that doesn't let you sleep.

you close your eyes and pictures plague your brain.

halfway comatose and still,

the knot plagues you.

doubts.anger.hurt.stress.frustration.

coiled up inside, a spring tightly wound ready to explode into fear.

push it to edge of consciousness and drug oneself to sleep, hoping for peace-

which never comes.

i can't face it though.

if i face it, i'll die.

it'll consume me.

and i will no longer feel.

what blatant lies.

how readily i believe.

the darkness will pass.

and light will come.

hope will dawn.

pain does not last.

joy triumphs.

but until then...