sometimes life throws us curve balls.
sometimes they're bad.
and sometimes they're good.
but either way they're still curve balls.
and they often leave us reeling.

overwhelmed.
and single.

i am overwhelmed.
and i am single.

something in this whole apartment thing has really brought out both. it's not that there aren't people helping me. it's not that i feel lonely. or even alone. i just feel overwhelmed by the details. and single in how i am dealing with them.

you know it's all well and good to be a strong independent woman when the details of life don't overwhelm you. but it's the details that make me realize i don't really want to be like this forever. i don't want to have to figure out my electric bill on my own...or how to set up my internet....or why my water heater isn't working.....or how i'm going to pay my bills....or setting up my place....by myself. i'm over it. if this is what it means to be independent, well i don't want it anymore. i don't want to take care of all of these things by myself for the rest of my life.

it's been debatable even in this week whether i actually think i can even get married. let alone have the right guy come along at the right time and actually have both of us do and say what we need to say to make it work. but today it hit me. and it hit hard.
it has to happen.
because i don't want to do it by myself.

it's not a question of capability.
i know i'm capable.
it's a question of desire.
i do not want to move again alone.
i do not want to live the rest of my life alone.
there God i said it.

it's still hard for me to imagine being married.....
but i definitely know that i don't want to be alone forever.
so i guess that means i want marriage.
i want someone to talk things out with. i want someone to help me with the details. i want someone to take care of me. i want to take care of someone. i want to love and be loved.
is that too much to ask?

i think i've hit a wall.

and it's a wall i'm not sure i've hit before.

i am tired of taking in.

i'm tired of tolerating.

i'm tired of 'being nice'.

i'm tired of listening.

i'm tired of bullshit.

i'm tired of being courteous.

i'm tired of giving in to others.

i'm tired of conforming.

i'm tired of holding myself back.

this is who i am.

this is who God is making me to be.

i want to rejoice in that.

i want to be strong in that.

i want to be free.

i AM free.

and i'm tired of tiptoeing around like i'm not.

that means i'm going to offend people.

i'm going to frustrate them.

i'm going to make them mad.

i'm going to annoy them.

but i can't hold it back anymore.

take it or leave it.

that's what it is.

and i'm not sorry for it.

but it's not in a rebellious fashion. just more of a the gloves are off, this is real sort of way. i wanta proclaim truth--about God, about me, about life. i want people to understand where i come from. i want people to get it. something has snapped. i'm tired of the old ways. i've tasted the power that we've been given and i want to do more, i want to use it to the full. i want to live life to the full. because God is. and He has made me who i am and i LIKE me! amen.

this is totally random but i just put another book on the shelf about marriage...and i just got really frustrated b.c its talking about all the hard things about marriage/not being prepared, etc. i feel like that's what i've been hearing from a lot of people. i wish someone would right a book about the good things of marriage, the joys. i know i know most of our culture doesn't get that its not like a fairy tale. but another huge chunk of our culture in response to the 'you need to be prepared/its a lot harder than you expect' is just saying well then let's not get married. it isn't worth it. can someone please tell me why it's worth getting married?! because i don't know what the reasons are. no one ever tells me. and if its so damn hard why in the world did God make it sound so joyful in genesis?? there has to be something about it that makes it worth doing.