hittin'
bumpin'
bruisin'
up against a brick wall

ping pong
back and forth
from one ego to the next
tossed to and fro

weary
from all the talk
the endless need to fill the space
the pressure to conform
to change

do my words require an answer?
why is there always an answer?
as i share
my thoughts hit that wall called ego

i'm not asking for defenses
i'm not asking for reasons
my words are not meant to indict
they're just my thoughts
take them or leave them
but stop fighting them
it's wearing me out

i stop sharing
when i have to fight to be heard
when i hit a brick wall
only a fool would keep trying

i'm so tired.
and i'm tired of being tired.

i feel like i've been punishing myself.
punishing myself for being young.
for being single.
creative.
smart.

i think i've been working against myself for the last few years.
maybe my whole life.
making choices that show how responsible i am.
taking actions that groom my maturity.
doing things to prove i'm worthwhile.
and you know i wanted God to work all that proving, working stuff out of me.
and yet here i am.
still proving myself.
still trying to shout hey look at me i'm worth something...aren't i? i need you to tell me that.
and i am so tired.
beyond tired.
beyond exhaustion.
sleep does not fulfill.
a day on the beach won't be enough.
a week of vacation just stems the tide of exhaustion.

God, how do I stop it?
how do I just be?
be who You want me to be--nothing more, nothing less.
i've wasted so much energy either hiding who i am or trying to be more than i am--but mostly hiding.
i'm such a wimp.
there's nothing more to say.
i've cowered for so long, i wonder if i remember how to stand up straight.
i've ignored my desires in an attempt to be noble.
noble my ass.
i'm stubborn like an ass though that's for sure.
God rid all self-deprecation in heart, word, and deed.
may i be only who You have created me to be.
amen.

i just had a wonderful conversation with a dear dear friend.
it's funny how in sharing things and listening, one ends up confronting oneself. you'd think by now, i'd know this and be used to it. and yet i continued to be surprised.

she was sharing how she sees certain parts of her past as something that doesn't need to be addressed or talked about, believing the lie that they are invalid. and then by the end of our conversation, i was left haunted by something that i considered a blip in my recent past. sigh. and so the processing starts again.

it's a gift, to be able to tell and retell our stories. it's a gift to ourselves and to others. i love stories. i don't think there is a better way to spend a day than finding out someone's story. and the greatest gift we are given in Christ is how He transforms our stories...past, present, and future.

i started at christian union with a whole lot of arrogance.

i thought i knew things.

boy did i think i knew things.

actually i've started most things in life thinkin' i know a thing or two.

and this time, like every other, i have been humbled.

i know so little.

i realize that now.

life isn't about me.

things aren't as black and white as we'd like them to be.

my selfish ambition has been subdued by

turning on&off lights, putting out the conference phone, power washing the steps, printing and binding hundreds and hundreds of papers over and over and over again.

without that selfish ambition, i haven't the faintest idea what i'm supposed to be doing.

without my pride to protect me, i hesitate.

i feel naked.

it has been so long since i have stopped to think--really think--

what do i want?

i've been hiding what i want for so long for so many reasons.

the timing is wrong; my desires have been destructive; there isn't space;

in order to survive one must forget.

i forget who i am when so much of me is not required.

but life is awakening around me.

fresh air. green grass. buds showering the ground.

opportunities are coming for those around me

will it ever be my turn?

will the pieces ever fall into place?

when i take the time to think of all that i have been given,

i either feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

all that is teeming inside may be too much for this one life.

so often before, i've thought i know what is right--

what will satisfy.

how wrong i have been.

so wrong.

my heart calls for something more, but i haven't the faintest idea what it is.

i don't know what it looks like.

i don't know where it is.

God it must be out there.

please. please.

find it for me.

You have given me all of these gifts.

You have pruned this branch so much.

Will You give me a place to bloom?

I know there is so much more than my mediocre ideas and feeble attempts.

I am so easily distracted, so easily swayed.

but my heart is weary of distraction. it is weary of trying to see, explain, reason what is at the end of this tunnel. get me out of here. get me to the light.

push me. put me where You want me.