ever have one of those days...

ever have one of those days where the world is just blah?

i think i've been fighting it for awhile and for some reason during lunch..
i just gave in. the world is blah right now.

but you know what? i feel some relief in that. i've finally stopped lying to myself and accepted it.

maybe it will pass faster if i give in instead of fighting it. bleh.

but i'm just so tired of this loneliness
i've become so tired of this loneliness

what others are saying

something i found in the chicago trib


Mass moral breakdown seems a tidy, symmetrical response to a crisis driven by greedheads and gamblers who blew the bubble that carried us away and politicians who stood by and watched it burst. So now we stand in the rubble, surrounded by sharp questions. How sturdy are we, how suspicious, how brave, how bitter? What is it going to do to us, individually and collectively, when dread takes up residence next door, or right tupstairs in the empty rooms we prowl around when we can't sleep because our debts and doubts are making too much noise.
Nancy Gibbs, Time

faaaaalllling

i may or may not have fallen off of a 10 ft ladder in the chapel wed night and miraculously walked myself to the lodge after laying on the floor unconscious for at least 15 min by our calculations. never mind that i don't remember any of it, but i did get to ride in an ambulance for the first time ever and the emt was from ft wayne and went to holy cross as a kid...what coincidences. i had my first ct scan to discover that i only had a mild concussion. miraculous.

i think angels walked me over.

my mission statement

reading 7 habits of highly effective people...i only like the book moderately well b.c it is after all another self-help that claims to have all the answers to solve life's problems. anyways we're supposed to write a life mission statement. this is what i came up with--

A Life of Paradox and Tension
Holding these sometimes seemingly contradictory principles in tension with each other, neither denying one and following only the other nor sitting on the fence and committing to either, not denying the struggle and the pull by settling for one solution but rejoicing in the struggle and continually learning from it.

change + stability
evaluate/analyze/reflection + no regrets
discipline + free spirit
simplicity + complexity
conformity + rebellion
extrovert + introvert
grounded + dreamer
realizing the great good and potential + love each other individual and
of every situation and person situation just as they are
belief in absolute Truth + willing to question and try new ideas/concepts
serving/loving other in Christ saying yes+being true to myself & loving myself (saying no)
making the most of every opportunity + resting and remaining in Christ
taking others into consideration/realizing how i affect people + not caring what others think
in the world, caring about social, political + not of the world, a life set apart by Spirit
global issues, being educated/informed more than by action philosophy or even /involved with the community, attitude

being with ALL kinds of people liberal universal

define myself by nothing/no one but Christ and His Word + willing to take in others opinions, view points absorb them in myself learn from them,
as well as the experiences i have in life

gotta thank dr e for the whole concept of paradox/tension...my dear lutherans :)

the artistic dilemna

i watched amadeus last night...excellent movie though rather long. i made the mistake of starting it around midnight and next thing i knew it was three. silly me. and then i couldn't sleep afterwards....
i am keenly aware of this artistic torture that many artists end up in...either b.c of something they've done or something that someone else is doing to them. the true creative genius hardly ever seems to be paired with sensibility. so what am i?

in gk chesterton's orthodoxy he lays out an entire reasoning of how the creative genius actually keeps one sane--that it is the logicians and those who analyze and reason that go insane. which to some extent i would agree with. but artists--visual, musicians, writers, theaters, the whole bit, the ones that you read about in history books are often extremely tortured souls. this genius seems to possess them and take over til nothing else exists. its as if in order to create this work that will last for ages, they must live in an alternative universe and going back and forth between the two worlds becomes too much for them to handle--hence, the drinking, drugs, irresponsibility, lack of relationships, etc.
this is something that i sense in myself more often than not. i am aware of the torture because i struggle with it myself, particularly in the last few months. and if i were left to my own devices in such a situation, i'm pretty sure i'd start down the same path of pollock, mozart, dickinson, etc in some form or fashion of my own making.

Is it possible to be an artist with healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle and still yield to the creative genius when it calls?
sometimes i think its the guilt of not living that healthy, responsible life that drives artists insane, not the actual creative genius.
And maybe we never hear of the creative geniuses who are responsible, healthy citizens because culture does not record such things because they aren't interesting or exciting.

and now name for me the last great artist, especially visual, that has stood the test of time who had great faith. you have to go back to the renaissance for michelangelo or raphael for visual. music has survived in at least some faint way, however b.c church never quite discarded music. But the visual arts were completely banned in much of the Reformation and we are just now beginning to recognize the power of the visual in the church some 400 years later b.c of the postmodern culture of today which is so 'relative' and can't recognize truth if its staring it in the face. how is that for truth?
so where does an artist go?
Even madeleine l'engle in walking on water disclaims much of modern/postmodern art because it blatantly disregards the first Creator. you could say the same of philosophers. With Nietsche God 'died' in philosophy. And who knows when God 'died' in visual art... but long before God 'died' in these studies, the church abandoned them. and i think it'd be fair to say that with abandoning these studies, the church did itself a HUGE disservice.
so where does an artist/philosopher with faith tendencies go?
i don't have an answer to that question. i am a complete and utter contradiction. i possess the self control and discipline that many artists often struggle to possess and the morals that come from my christian faith seem to keep me from wasting my life away. but the same christian morals/self control/discipline creates this sense of responsibility that when i don't follow them, which is more likely than not because of my creative spirit, also creates guilt because my creative spirit fights it.
never mind that i hardly ever have any desire to portray my faith in my art work/it seems completely irrelevant at times. if anything i often create my artwork to wrestle the inner demons onto the paper and out of my soul, at least for awhile. people would say its dark.
and never mind that if i want anything i do to be taken seriously in the art world, its more than likely going to be shunned/disregarded by the church.
so again i ask where does an artist go?

one down...five more to go

No snow for two weeks and then 24 hrs before they're supposed arrive a foot or two (slight exaggeration...but only slight) one church in the ditch but all came and we got another foot over the weekend and then we're supposed to get another half a foot in the next two days amidst a blizzard. have i mentioned how much i hate snow? ok i really don't but i don't think my feet have been warm in weeks. bleh.

johnny (a girl who lives at truevine, camp down the road) came over last night and we just sat and chatted for an hour and a half. why is it so much easier to sit and chat with someone who in all honesty i've spent very little time with, yet i can't sit down and have a good conversation with some of the people i live with? and we talked about good things and i know she won't spread it anywhere, she wont' analyze it, she won't stock it away to bring back later to bite me in some way form or fashion or just hold me in a box b.c of something i said. there is freedom in sharing things with someone you know is slightly nuerotic just like yourself and doesn't care.
and then i clam up and can't find anything to say at all when i'm sitting in the car with someone else, (the someone everyone supposes is my best friend) bc i dont' feel safe to share.
time heals all wounds but also creates many in the process.

i have noticed that i become easily overwhelmed by group dynamics here..didn't really at school just let things be what they are and tried to love people. here people analyze and that makes it so much more difficult to let things develop naturally/love people. when you are constantly analyzing/picking people apart it makes it so much harder to love them. can't we just trust the Lord to heal them instead of trying to fix them ourselves?
the last thing i want is for people to 'fix' me...love me and i will change b.c you loved me just the way i am. i may change temporarily b.c of your criticism but bitterness will surely accompany it.
love is not a victory march
but a cold and broken hallelujah rufus wainwright
if love is surrender then who's war is it anyways? frou frou

i spent much of the weekend trying to dodge an awkward situation but was grateful for people to be around anyway. i love working with kids. it puts cushion between all of our strong personalities and allows me to be who i really am.

i've decided i'm done calculating/reacting. i usually go through this cycle where i realize that i spend so much of my brain power calculating and analyzing/criticizing/reacting and it doesn't really seem to get me anywhere. can you imagine how much more i could get done happily if i would just do things instead of thinking about them/stewing? i want to trust the Spirit to guide me, not my have-tos/schemes/obligations. i am a very potent driven force usually in the wrong direction (emotionally) which never stops if the Spirit doesn't guide me.



no i don't wanna wait forever

many things..

many things on my mind and i'm going to try to write about them in an abstract sort of way...
after all that's how i think about things.
i think that's why things become so complicated in my head. when you abstract something it immediately becomes both more simple and complex at the same time. simple because you are taking a step back, making a generalization but complex because you are taking something out of context and detaching yourself from the particular, the immediate reality and theories are never absolute, complete.

side note: I'm realizing that I am a teacher. I took it for granted b.c I've always been in school its an environment that teaching is welcome in many different ways. I love being taught as much as I love teaching. I don't enjoy the sound of my own voice. I don't want to brainwash people, but I love helping people understand things and I love sharing ideas. my limitation: I don't want to be taken too seriously. I've seen that go haywire. I don't want people to change their lives because of any one thing I've said. That kind of power scares me. I only want people to think well for themselves, ie teaching a man how to fish instead of just giving him fish.

I'm listening to a podcast from Mars Hill as I type this...

i'm at a crossroads, a crossroads that have been a long time in coming. it involves all aspects of my life but manifests itself primarily in my relationships, as always. I may find energy from my inner sanctuary but my life will always be first and foremost evaluated by my relationships. I think the last four months have been preparing me for this and God is pulling me out of the darkness into His glorious light. Things are changing drastically, especially relationships in a good way, a wonderful way and I've been afraid that they would do the opposite and so have been extremely guarded in the last four months. I have a choice to make, a choice though that doesn't feel so much a choice as a need to take the different path and the freedom that comes with it makes it seem an absolute necessity. I am cautious though to believe it. It makes very little sense with the past but that may be a very good thing. Letting go and moving on. Letting go and going deeper. I guess we'll see