you know you're poor when....
you get excited about babysitting for rich people so you can eat their food :)
you get excited about the extra cash so you can buy things like air freshners and pesto and mouthwash and an acid free glue stick.

monday, first day of school: cloudy, dreary skies. rain. cool winds blowing.
tuesday & wednesday: the same.
it was as if the universe knew that school had begun. and breathed a sigh of relief. and while the weather has warmed again, the wind whispers with the taste of autumn on its lips. and i love it.

there is something about autumn that draws me in more than any other season. it's as if i've been holding my breath all summer long waiting, waiting for the taste of autumn. and i didn't realize it until yesterday when i finally let it go. perhaps because it signals the beginning of school: something i have always secretly relished. or perhaps because it brings the bittersweetness of memories wrapped in its breezes. memories of the waning busyness of camp, the time to treasure its beauty and freedom after a summer of sprinting, the comfort of friendships grounded in renewal and coffee. it is the air of experience, of knowing what has already been and foreseeing what will shortly come, that causes that tangible sigh of relief. Summer and winter, they feel as if they will never end when you are in their midst, stretching on interminably, fooling you into thinking they will never leave. Spring promises great new things in its youthful vigor. But autumn, autumn says i already know, there is no rush. grab that extra layer and take time to process, to learn from what i already know--that all good things come with experience.

it makes me wonder when the next time will come that i should experience such a feeling--that all good things come with experience. when i should be in a place long enough to be able to say, here let me show you what to do. i feel comfortable here and you don't. let me extend some grace. when i won't have to be at the mercy of others. do you know how tired i am of being at the mercy of others?
others' whims. others' standards. others' failures.
always picking up the pieces. making the most of what i've been given. scraping by.

when is it going to be my turn? when will i be somewhere that i feel at peace with? will i ever stop longing for places i've already been? people i've already loved?
will life ever hold a rhythm that i can enjoy? that i can settle into?

God are you done with me yet?

decisions must be made
a line drawn in the sand
because of a simple insurance card
funny how little things like that force you to nail things down

....at least for now.

i continue to wade through my life: my desires, my needs, my pasts, my futures, my hurts, my joys. trying to find the pattern, the string that holds them all together. correction: i know the string--that's God. i guess it's more trying to find what i should keep adding to the string. its like different interests, places, and people are different colors and types of beads. as i've gone through life, different colors were more prominent, repeated from daily use more than significance or outstanding capability. and then there are those types of beads that have changed colors but remained constant.
the colors would be: school (x12), music, theater, art(x3), theater, school (x4) , art (x4), camp, praise/ministry teams, youth service, camp, travels, student government, graphic design, camp, travels, graphic design, camp, youth service, customer service, graphic design, youth service
the most prominent shapes in order from most frequent to least would be: learning, creativity, service, leadership, adventure
so what bead do i add next? what color?

my friend handed me a book yesterday and mentioned something along the lines of this would be a good light read for you. she always does this handing me the ones with the cover from the eighties or the pinkest girliest font. this one was called 'altar call'.
now i don't read chick porn--i gave up that stuff a long time ago when i realized what unrealistic expectations it places on relationships and i don't read christian feel good novels--again sets up expectations/cookie cutter answers to God. plus i tend to live a bit too vicariously through novels--how else do you think i survived junior high?!?
but i always read the ones that she hands me...mostly out of curiousity and a little bit of indulgence. indulgence of something that lies buried deep inside of me.
funny that this one should be about a girl in her late twenties who gives herself a makeover by moving to a new place and ends up realizing her heart was really back at home. i've been seeing this theme reoccuring in a lot of things that have come across my path recently. but that's beside the point.
i still walk away at the end of the novel with two completely contradictory ideas--it happens with any chick flick-ish thing. it doesn't happen like that in real life--people don't always work things out and its hardly ever that clear. you don't always get your happy ending....but then why does my heart break at this-every time?
a man isn't going to chase after you. besides the last time it didn't work out so well.
but i still want someone to.
you are supposed to be strong and independent-not controlled by your emotion.
but i want to fall in love.
guard your heart; don't let anyone determine your life for you-absolute freedom.
if people aren't my life, then what is?

logic vs love

any wonder i'm confused?