rantings&ravings

So this cafe job....I just have to rant about for a bit in order to allow God to change my thinking. In order to give my mind space to deal with its chaos in His way instead of my own. Because right now I am struggling with space. I want it but I can't find it. There is something about writing things down that creates space intrinsically within one's mind. There is permanence with words written that is not felt as strongly as words spoken. That is not to say that words spoken aren't just as powerful. But it requires more thought and effort to put things down on paper. And that gives me space.

My boss is difficult. She is a strong, intense individual that is constantly pushing and nagging. She knows what she wants and she's not afraid to get it. She has very high expectations for me and it is driving me crazy. I can't live up to the expectations she has for me. Ok no I can live up to them but she does not make me want to. She makes me want to either scream or cry. I have honestly tried my hardest to learn how to not take criticism personally so that I can better myself as a person because ultimately I want to become a better person. I want to become stronger. So I can take criticism. I'm artist. How can I become a better artist if I can't take criticism? I've been a leader often enough. I know that to be a good leader you have to be open to criticism. But nagging--I can't take nagging. I hate it. I despite it. It drives me insane. It wears me down. And it definitely doesn't make me want to do a better job. It doesn't empower me. It leaves me feeling drained and worthless. And that's how I feel when I work with her. Her work style does not create an environment that makes me want to get up and do something to make the place better. Instead it makes me want to crawl into a hole and wait until the storm has passed. And while as a newbie I know I'm getting more of it than the others, she does it to them too. She does it to everybody. There's never a positive word out of her mouth about our work. She likes to find out about our personal lives and she is positively engaged when asking those questions. But as of right now, I have no idea if she even still thinks I was worth the hire. I think she does, but from her words it sounds like I'm not. And the things critiqued are things I'm still learning about. So..

I should let it roll off my shoulders. I should ignore it. It speaks more of her personality than my own. But it's hard. And I have spent my entire life looking for verbal approval. Never did my parents say good job about my schoolwork or my grades. I just thought what I did was normal. It's why I still struggle with thinking I'm smart. I am. I realize it more and more because I see how other people take in information and realize I do it differently and more efficiently and retain it. But I don't think I'm smart because it was just expected. Being a hard worker--do you know how rare that is in today's society? Wow. Again something my parents never said good job for or anything. Basically with this cafe job I feel like a puppy dog just looking to have my ears scratched. And I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I need approval so desperately that it upsets me when she doesn't give it to me-this stranger who knows nothing about my character or my life or where I've been and what I've done. And ultimately I'm never going to get it. I can see that in how she treats the other employees. Praise is like a drop of water in the desert. Rare. I know from her talking to me that she thinks they are great, but do they know? They don't ever hear it from her. And when you know it's so incredibly elusive, it makes you question even trying. It makes you want to compromise your integrity in dealing with the situation. And it makes me want to scream I can't do it. I can't live up to all this expectation. I am sinful damn it. I am forgetful. I am busy. I am tired. I am incomplete. Please show me some grace.

Will someone please show me some grace?

Today there was light.

Today I stepped out of the train and onto the platform for the first time with a sense of familiarity. A slight chuckle at individuals cramming onto the Path, making the doors open again and again despite the signal to leave. Mind clear to absorb the surroundings. Confidence stronger than fear and uncertainty.

No inner panic on the train.
No cursing traffic or individuals.
No one could touch me.

That is how I'm used to feeling in a city. That is how I felt in Chicago from the moment I stepped foot on its windy streets. Always freedom to enjoy it on my terms; never forced, an endless stream of culture to experience. Chicago and I became fast friends for life. But Newark...
Newark is hard, bitter, and strong; impervious to outsiders. Newark has been forced upon me to love its people and its culture. Newark breaks my heart with every step I take upon its rundown garbage-laden streets. Newark demands my respect.

But today Newark didn't have to demand my respect. Today it was given--not because of what it can give me but because of what I can give it. Today for the first time I felt strong enough to truly give to a place and people where I haven't had much choice. Because one of the most difficult of any task in life is to love and give out lack of choice and instead of real desire. I don't like Newark. Its culture is not one I enjoy. Its people I cannot understand. I have absolutely no desire to adapt any trait of this way of life. I cannot see the good because their world is so broken. I do not judge. I do not condescend. It is fact. The anger and bitterness one must absorb just walking down the street is exhausting. And I thought the brokenness was going to win; that darkness would triumph. But today it didn't.

Today there was light.

And that light was the light of Man.