realizations

i am realizing various things about myself. when you have lots of time alone to think, it happens.

people always ask why i paint or why i paint what i paint. i haven't figured out why i paint what i paint but i know why i paint and i think that's more important for me. i was listening to a sermon about the practice of silence, not only physical silence, but inward silence, the quieting of our minds. it's not that we need to stop our minds as much as create space for God to speak, distance ourselves from the inner monologue the voices from our past and ourselves create. there is the actual act of sitting alone in silence, meditating that the pastor talked about, but i realized that is the reason i paint. i paint to create space internally from the inner monologue of my thoughts, space for God to speak. its my own way of connecting with God and that's why i don't place much importance on the actual subject of my painting. i have been trying to focus on the subject or message of my paintings recently b.c of conversations i have had with various folks and i've found i can't paint that way. and if the only reason i paint is to create space for God, that's good enough for me.

the other day i was taking a walk by myself and stopped to blow some milkweed from its pod. This action created room for the awareness of a very tangible desire, one i've not experienced very often and one i don't think has ever been fulfilled. i found it incredibly interesting that we can desire something we have rarely experienced. i longed for someone to just be there, not needing conversation or counsel, not requiring anything of me but my presence and the same in return. i don't know that i have experienced that very often in my life. i don't think many people have, but i long for something that i've rarely experienced like a child longs for love even if they never experienced it. it's a testament to me of our Creator and what He longs for us--desires He has placed deep within everyone.

i am continuing to discover the consequences of some of my personality choices. i always strive to be open and willing to hear what others have to say. i never want to discount another's opinion about something, especially something that i know very little about--which is most everything. i am astutely aware of how little i really know in life and want to figure everything out for myself from the ground up. the only time that i speak up is when i feel confident that i can at least make an educated argument. i've gotten better about big topics like my beliefs and philosophy and my art and people and such. i've taken a lot of time to think about these things and i like discussing things, but i still hold those opinions fairly loose. but the small things in life, like activities i enjoy and shows or movies i see or small things like that, i just don't know. this makes me incredibly open to new things but it also means i don't make up my mind about things either. i'm afraid to disagree with people because i don't feel prepared. it makes me incredibly accessible. everybody likes me. but with little comfort in who i am. but out living alone has come this one good thing. i am discovering the things that i love to do in my own time, which i have not had very much of my own time in my life. and i am finally getting tired of doing those other things, or putting up with others' ideas or just being tolerable because i actually know what i like to do. do you have any idea how weird that is? i actually know what i like to do. huh.

moving on

I'm sitting in an office with a nice computer finally. The director just walked out of his office and said if anyone calls for a reference for me that all should speak absolutely horribly about me so that I can't leave. A joke of course but a wonderful compliment from a man who rarely gives them. But it's interesting because I don't feel like I have much of anything left to do. My time is coming to a close here. I never thought that I would feel at peace about leaving. I never thought that there would come a time when I would run out of things that I see that need to be done. But I have. And as I'm sorting through pictures on the catalog, one of the last things that I would've said last year needs to be done, memories of the past summers flood my heart and mind. And I never thought that I would say I'm ready to be done with camp, but I think I am. I think I'm finally getting there. I can feel my heart disengaging, pulling away, separating myself from my love for this place and all the good it has done in both my life and others. I still love the summers here, but I don't think I want to be here for the next one.

But it's not a bitterness that pushes me out though there is the temptation.

And its not the futility of the situation either, though again there is the temptation.

It is simply time to move on.

It is time to embrace something new. Of course, this is something that I have felt for a long time. My sense of adventure and restlessness hardly ever let me feel content in a place for long. But it's as if I've finally been given permission to move on, that the job I was meant to be here for has been completed. The relationships that I needed to develop have been developed. The healing my own heart needed to experience has occurred. And I am allowed to start afresh, anew.

There are definitely a few things that I am glad to leave behind--buried emotions that will only be fully aired once some distance is granted; doubts about myself and my abilities that need to be refuted in a new experience. And there are definitely a few things I am very sad to leave--relationships that have quickly grown unexpectedly; a beauty that is unique; a community, though struggling, that is very much a community. But there is one thing I have learned in all of this and it serves as a comfort as I move forward. My passion is people, first and foremost, and no matter where I go, I continue to prioritize investing in those around me as well as the relationships I have left behind. I have managed quite well to believe Satan's lie that because I am not an extrovert, people cannot be my passion, that I lack the skills. And maybe I do lack some of the skills, but I don't lack the heart and that's what counts. No matter how many times I have to start over before I figure out where I am supposed to be, I will never give up on people. I will never reach a point where I do not want to invest and be invested in.