holidays make my skin crawl . . .

don't want it to be like that, but if i'm honest, they really do.

probably because every year til recently

it was the season of tug-of-war

and awkward gift giving

and uncomfortable dinner conversations

and general insecurity.

who really wants that?

it makes me shudder to think back on it.

now it's more neutral.

calm.

small.

simple.

but it's going to take about another decade before I stop gritting my teeth in preparation. after all how long does it take to erase 18+ years of all that? and of course, being the artistic type, i am the only one in my immediate family who notices and stores these things mentally and emotionally.

can't wait til it's all over so i can breathe again.

til next year . . .

it'll get easier with time.

ooof.

there are conflicting things inside.

the emotion on the surface

and the truth that is deeper

i don't know why i did what i did.

i wish i knew.

i know why i've done it in the past,

-or at least i thought i did.

what choked inside of me?

why couldn't i follow through?

and what freezes me now?

why do i continue to dwell on this?

why can't i let it go?

my communication sucks.

i don't appreciate being laughed at

or blamed.

damn it.

why the hell is it all my fault?

i tried to deter.

i tried to persuade.

and instead i just got screwed.

it's all my fault.

my emotions just want to accept the blame and grovel and swear i'll never do it again.

BUT I NEVER DO IT ANYWAYS!

i think.

i plan.

i take others into consideration.

i try to make the best to bring people together.

i set aside my own interests for the interests of others.

i go. i meet. i reach out. i don't expect others to come to me.

but what if the interests of others are in conflict?

oh wait they're always in conflict.

and no one else ever seems to realize that.

i listen repeatedly to people say in private how they don't want to do things. they don't want to go places. they don't want to reach out. they want others to come to them. i question whether they even want to see me. i don't plan things because i don't want people to come who don't want to be there. i hesitate to reach out because i don't want people to only talk to me because they feel obligated.

i go with the flow because i don't care. because all i really want is for people to be together. that's what makes me happy. that's what makes me feel loved. i don't know that people get that about me. but sometimes you can't have everyone be together and be happy.

and last night was one of those nights.

and either way i looked like an idiot and guilted and blamed.

into my shell i go...

to recover.