i've got an itch--

but i can't figure out how to scratch it.

it's an internal itch

that lies somewhere in my chest.

it comes and goes, ebbs and flows.

it makes me want to do something rash.

i think, i ponder what would scratch.

i listen.

it calls for good company, for laughter, for light.

for easy conversation and quick banter.

everyday life forgotten.

time stands still.

eternity within my grasp.

it longs to be carefree, uncalculated, irrational.

for something new and fresh.

awash with passion.

the familiar left behind.

eternity with my grasp.

i long for eternity within my grasp.

fringe--edge--outskirts--nonconformity--outright rebellion

kinda thought i'd left it behind.

as i listen to Rent. sigh. gets me every time.

funny how i always think that when i move somewhere new and start over with people who don't know me that i can leave these behind.

that my essence will change.

but it hasn't.

i ooze something i can't control.

when i talk in class or in a serious conversation with my friends, i sometimes have a slight out-of-body experience. i hear what i'm saying and i think i am certifiably insane. my mind is in an entirely different space than anyone else in this room. where in the world does this come from?

where does this urge to sit down with people and say tell me something true, tell me something real come from? why does Rent still resonate so deeply? why is Halloween my favorite song on that soundtrack--the most angry intense song? why do i love authors like madeleine l'engle and annie dillard and anne lamott who most people have never heard of, let alone understand or appreciate? possibly even consider them heretics?

why do i have these great urges to go do something raw and random?

to wrench the absolute essence of life?

where does all of this come?

who am i?

i was given something incredible this evening--
and may i never forget it.

someone took the absolute worst decisions/circumstances of my short 25 years and painted them in a way i never knew fully possible: with hope. she took my rebellion in finding a man that landed me in a relationship that robbed us both of our souls and showered it with light. a situation i have come to know so well for all its faults, and only caught glimpses of grace. she turned it completely upside down.

she said: God must have someone really incredible for you to have saved you from that relationship. and she said it with such hope in her eyes because she believes it.

she believes that there is someone incredible for me. she believes that i would be married now if there wasn't someone so much better for me. what freedom, what hope that statement contains for a soul so weary with doubt. there is someone and that someone is incredible. may i believe that like i believe i will be provided for in every other way. may i know that truth so deeply within my soul that i stop worrying. i stop wondering. i stop playing out every worst case scenario. may i believe it so i may live. here. now.

ever looked through ALL the pictures in which you're tagged on facebook?

I just did.

well ok not all of them, but a lot of them, definitely most of them.

wow.

yes i know i have nothing better to do at work and i'm avoiding my reading.

the thing that struck me-

the people.

so many people.

many who have meant so much to me.

holy shit. the people.

i just can't get over it. so many people who have come and gone, sharing snippets of my time, my person, my life. each one bringing a slightly different Adel to the surface. do you know how many adels there are in the world because of all the people who have been in my life? i cannot deny that each person that has crossed my path has influenced me...in both good and bad ways. who i am is because of who they are/were--to me, around me, for me, because of me. i carry a little bit of them with me every where i go and they a little bit of me. some parts are bigger. some parts smaller. but they're always there--with me. and i have lost a bit of me in each of them.

i have gained and lost.

there is a bittersweetness in the knowledge that a part of me will never exist again. i will never be college adel again, not fully not completely. the things i've lost and gained since then do not make it possible. there is no going back. there is only moving forward. the feeling of not being able to return grows stronger with each passing year. the vastness of the unknowns before me weigh heavy upon my shoulders. responsibility broadens. innocence slips away. freedom seems to be a distant mirage.

but there is life. without safety there is adventure; there are possibilities; there is great gain. there will be reward. maybe not here, maybe not now. but to say that i led a life well lived, lived to the full. to say that i made the most of every opportunity, that i did not settle for anything less than His best. to say that fear did not triumph, that guilt did not paralyze, that regret did rule my life--that is victory. that is purpose. that is great gain.