Serendipitous

I got lost on the way home from work today. Royally lost.
And I don't get lost. I hate getting lost.
More importantly I hate wasting the gas.

I bought a magnetic key box for under my car today. About time.
I hate locking myself out. I hate how change makes me do beserk things like that.

That morning I locked myself out I should've been applying for a job at this very ideal location with the perfect need--a few blocks between both places where I work in a unique, well done coffeeshop that shares shop with a framer and art supplier for a morning shift as a barista. Instead I went later, after orientation, and frazzled as can be, waited to introduce myself until after the owner had left. Unknowingly, of course.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times such events have occurred in my life. Everything from minute details to huge life decisions. So much of it is completely out of my control. And usually when I feel as if I made a decision or handled a situation well within my control, I feel trapped. But when life goes well and its clearly not been within my control, I find peace.

My housemate and I just finished watching the movie Serendipity, which ironically, is not about what the word actually means. To be serendipitous is to call events in life fortunate accidents along the way. However, the movie strongly portrays belief in a fate that directs and guides us through life to achieve our destiny; in this case, a romantic relationship.

My attitude towards such events as locking my keys in my car or finding a job is one of fate; though as a Christian we would call it something else, perhaps the Holy Spirit or even predestination. It seems to be a developing pattern in my life that while I often know exactly what I want, my timing is horribly horribly wrong. I will push and shove with all my might to bring something about and must ram my head into a brick wall repeatedly before finally receiving the message that well, it just isn't meant to happen. That's not to mean I couldn't still make it happen. I've done that before, trust me, but with many many consequences. I have learned to perceive when the Universe just isn't pulling for something to happen. The coffeeshop job is the perfect example. I didn't have time because of locking my keys in my car to drop in when I said I would and when I finally did, I missed the manager, by a hair. That's not to say I'm not going to get a job in a coffee house some day, even an art coffee house or maybe even at this particular one eventually. But the timing on that particular day was horribly off. For a good reason, unbeknownst to myself but very clear to my Heavenly Father.

But you know what's funny? I think the one part of my life that I tend to think of more serendipitously than guided by the Holy Spirit is relationships--the one thing the movie focused upon as being guided by fate. I want to believe they are guided by fate, a destiny buried deep within the ancient core of the earth that works against impossible odds to bring people together. I want to believe that there is a connection between two individuals upon this planet that cannot be replicated with any other individual. I want to believe in soulmates. I don't think there is another thing on this planet that I want to believe so desperately but can't quite bring myself to do it. I believe in God and who He is and what He has done for me. I still have doubts. I still struggle but my life revolves around Him. I believe that I will become all that I want to be and so much more. I believe that God has some very specific things He wants me to accomplish. I believe He has specific people He wants to connect with my life; some only for a time; some for life. I believe that He will give me my dreams and so much more. I believe He is in control. But i can't believe in a soulmate, especially for myself.
This concept of soulmate seems to be so deeply woven into the very fabric of our being. Why else does every movie that wants to be successful have to include a romantic storyline? Why else do all those trashy romance novels sell? Why do people still seek out relationships over and over again despite the divorce rates and the constant abuse and the absolute failure of mankind? But what does that matter? It doesn't answer the question why do I still have this underlying desire for someone to share my life with, and not just anyone but the one. Why do I still long to believe that such a thing as a soulmate exists for me even though the very term has been severely abused personally in my own life?
Why?
It is something that runs far deeper than many of my other dreams and yet it is the one that I cannot bring myself to believe really exists.

Only time will tell

I wandered around NYC for my first time yesterday. It seems smaller than what I expected. Maybe because I've been to China, particularly Shanghai...everything's bigger in China. But it was nice to be in a city and to know that access is so well, accessible. It's a 20 min train ride from where I work...I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of Friday afternoons/evenings doing that. If only I could find someone to do it with.
Walking around watching people go by, there's still some part of me that really wanted to be a part of this lifestyle. But interestingly not as much of me as in the past. And if I do ever get a chance to live in NYC, I don't want an awesome loft with a high paying job...I wanta live off the beaten path. It's the absolute commercialization of it all that drives me crazy. I thought I'd like Chicago less after visiting NYC but actually I think I like it more. It's just going to take awhile for me to find the unique places and things to do.
The end of this week finds me weary- weary beyond belief. I wonder if it will always be like this but of course it won't. The first week is always the hardest. Not only because its my first week, but because I went through orientation AND I continued to look for a second job AND I performed a number of stupid things like getting lost, locking my keys in my car while running, locking myself out of the house. You name it. I did it. I wasn't flustered about orientation or about working with the kids. Its like all my nervousness and flusteredness comes out in those forgetful ways. It's awfully exhausting. But its more than that. It goes deeper.
I'm aware of what I've chosen to do for this year. And it's not a choice I am willing to go back on. I do firmly believe this is where God has me for this next year. But I see quite fully what this will require of me and I'm not sure I have it. As a matter of fact, I know I don't. It's not that I don't have the skills. I do. I've dealt with this stuff before. Nothing feels unfamiliar...actually it feels all too familiar, a sort of deja vu. But something deep within me sighs. I don't want to give this much of myself all over again. I understand better and better why people stay in the same place for 25, even 30 years without a thought to moving.
I itch for change. I crave craziness in life. I hunger to live life to the absolute fullest. But I tasted that community and connection that develops among those who choose to not only do church together but also live life together and a key ingredient is time. Frequency and length of time. Neither of which I seem to have much of in my life right now. Only time will tell.

Do I ever learn?

Now one would think that after just experiencing this very similar situation about a month ago I would have learned something but ah of course not. I keep fighting.
I have been searching for a part time job for the last two weeks quite intensely. But I've reached the end of my rope and my desire to find one. As I always do. I all too often go after what I want intensely for a very focused period of time and then I realize time and time again no matter how hard I try I can't make the world turn 'round. I'm not big enough. I just experienced this in finding the job that I am just now starting. I had attempted EVERYTHING to make it happen in other places, even at camp. But finally when I'd given up hope at making things work, a connection is made and the ball starts rolling. A connection of course that is completely out of my control. And here I am doing it again. I want a part time job. More importantly, I need a part time job, as much for my sanity as for the money. I need something else to make me stop doing things with my other job; otherwise it will become my life. See I have this problem that once I start something I see absolutely everything that needs to be done and then I work like a busy beaver no matter the hours or energy it takes to accomplish until its accomplished...if I don't have anything better to do. I need something else to pull me away. In essence I'm obsessive. And I need the money, though I'm coming to terms with the idea that God can provide the money with or without the job.
So I've put out a lot of applications at a lot of places. I've called a lot of places. I've attempted to follow through, but there is never a personal connection and life only seems to set things up for me through personal connections. Or I prefer it to be that. But I've been trying to make it happen so without the personal connection and it is going absolutely NOWHERE!
So I'm done. I can't do it. And it's going to take a miracle to get me a job because I don't have very many connections out here (outside of Erica and all of her connections :-P).
I'm done jumping through hoops.
I'm done trying to wrack my brain to make the finances line up.
I'm done worrying.
I can't make the world turn round.
I can't make people hire me. No amount of schmoozing will be enough if its not meant to happen. And I'm going to make mistakes in how I handle sending in my applications and talking to folks and I could waste an inexhaustible amount of time and energy rehashing how and why I should have done things differently. But if its supposed to happen, it will inspite of my mistakes.
God will provide.

why am i still awake?

It's about to begin, the absolute madness that is.
And while I hate being idle, I'm not really sure I'm ready for this.
The people I work with are consumed with what they do. It's funny because it would seem that people working in nonprofit government programs would have a better grasp on how to have a life, but actually I think its worse than any workaholic in NYC. The mentality of working one's ass off to get ahead still pervades the nonprofit sector. And its not in a I want to climb the ladder, get a promotion sort of mentality. Its just a I don't know how to live life any differently sort of a mentality. Welcome to my world.
And as responsibilities are starting to head my direction, I find myself realizing maybe I don't really want this. Maybe I'm not cut out for working one's ass off. I mean I know I am. I've done it many times before. I can be a leader. I can take charge. I can get things done, let me tell you. But I'm really not sure I want to anymore. There's always a part of me that has watched those in leadership over me and calculated ok how would I have done that differently? What could be done better? picturing myself in the role. But here, I find myself going, man I would never want to be in her (my supervisor's) position. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in charge. It makes me reflect on my life wondering why in God's name did I ever think I could take charge of things? Or even moreso that I would WANT to take charge of things? Who in the world would ever willing subject themselves to such pressure and confinement and torture?
So I reflect on the prayer I prayed over and over again last year as I struggled to reign my big fat ego into submission. I prayed that I would no longer desire to compete, to rule over others, to posses power. Well folks it seems as if I've arrived. But I think I've gone in the opposite direction almost. Now I don't care. I don't care about getting ahead or planning things or leading things or even just improving things. Now I just want to hang out with people. Love em.
Or maybe I've just gotten so used to be relegated to the back corner that its going to take me awhile to get it back.

Perfectionism

You know I have no idea how many people out here now have my information....people I don't even know! Pretty much every Starbucks in the area does and now I'm starting other random classifieds and craigslist postings. Hopefully nobody's a creeper out there and going to use that information against me. oh well.
I actually sat down today and drew for the first time in quite awhile. Still life and all. Granted the still life is made up of liquor bottles and a shot glass. But what can I say? I used what was readily available and bottles always look cool :) (the previous roommate apparently was slightly notorious for her liquor buying. we have i think 5 different bottles of magarita mix. hey i'm not gonna complain. though not nearly enough tequila left to use with it. shucks)
i'm reading bird by bird by anne lamott-a favorite author of mine. its her take on the creative process...a coaching of writers specifically but applicable towards any creative field. I love reading books by writers describing the creative process and giving advice on how to do it better. You know I wish visual artists or musicians wrote books about their creative processes but I guess we wouldn't be as likely to do that. Anyways with the major upheaval of my life lately I have been in a creative stall. Actually I would say more that all of my creative juices have been spent on the logistics of moving and finding a job and all that jazz. But reading this book inspires me to get back in the groove. And more than that, to really develop a groove that will last beyond a particular living circumstance or job or location. For example, I have successfully developed the habit of doodling on just about anything when a pen is readily available, including myself. But I need to take it further than that. I need to develop a compulsive need to put something down on paper or canvas every day, like I need my coffee every morning and my morning just doesn't feel complete without it. (which I haven't had since moving here. i can't quite bring myself to spend the money on the french press but i would really be a much happier person if i would. i miss my morning coffee.)
one chapter in the book absolutely screamed at me to be read 'perfectionism'
A few quotes:
'Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.
Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived.
Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breath and move.
Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow (inadvertently I'm sure) forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.'
Now it is an absolute miracle that I am a creative person at all considering the environment that I grew up in. My parents are extremely neat folks--both of them in completely different ways. That means that my entire childhood was clean and neat. You know thinking back I really have no idea why I wanted to be an artist. I don't remember a specific event or a time that I drew or painted something and just absolutely fell in love with the creative process. But I know I always wanted to be an artist, and its been a constant uphill battle against this perfectionism that has been drilled into the very core of my being. It is not who I am, though I try so very hard to make it so. It suffocates me. I do things thoroughly and completely but I'd much rather have someone else do it for me. I am capable of it because I was raised to be that way but it is not who I am. However, in any changing, uncertain circumstances, it is my fallback. Perfectionism is how I deal with uncertainty. Now this time its not near as bad as last year, which I guess is a good sign. Maybe if I transition enough I'll learn how to deal with major upheaval without the perfectionism.
And the perfectionism comes out in a funny way. I guess it is because it's not who I am as much as a product of the circumstances I was raised in. Even in uncertain circumstances, I don't personally feel the need to have everything under control. That's why I can travel alone. Actually that's why I prefer to travel alone. I don't care if I mess it up. I don't care if I get everything wrong. Sure I'll be frustrated but there's no pressure from outside forces to keep it together. I'm not letting anyone down but myself and myself doesn't really care. But when there are other people around that are affected by my transitioning, that's when I feel the perfectionism kick in. I resort back to a similar tactic as I did with my parents when I was little. Pressure to not disturb the "peace" of the other people around me in my transition.
I'm aware I'm messy in more ways than one. But I am also stability for a lot of people because I generally keep that messiness to myself. And I have been burned enough times from experiences where people didn't like it when my 'messiness' affected them personally to feel that pressure to not disturb the "peace". For example moving in with two girls I don't know who have lived here for awhile before me as well as one of my best friends who is pretty particular about how she does stuff. I don't want to disturb the way they do life with my messiness but i realize as i'm reading this chapter on perfectionism, guess what? i'm messy. i like things clean but i have clutter. i'm not super organized. i leave things out. i'm moody. i'm random, sporadic. i don't do things in routine and i don't really care if others are like that or if they are organized and particular. i don't care, but others do. and because of this perfectionism i care that they care. until i get too crazy busy to care. then i'm able to forget that my messiness might offend people and i'm just my crazy messy all over the place self.
it just takes awhile for me to get there.

Hurry up and wait

Hurry up and wait.
That seems to be the motto of my life.
I'm not really a patient person. Guess I'm learning. It's like I hurry up and get all the stuff done on my end of the deal that I need to get done and then I'm stuck waiting for God to pull the rest of the pieces into line. It just gets discouraging after awhile. What else am I supposed to be doing right now? Just twiddling my thumbs? I'm awful at twiddling thumbs.
So I try to wait patiently.
I try to act like a real human being, and not a shell of one.
Going from absolute chaos to nothingness tends to leave one shell-shocked. Especially when its from the middle of nowhere to a metropolitan area.
It's hard not to think of all that I've left behind when I'm waiting.
And it's hard not to compare what you have currently with what you've left behind.
Man, I'm such a nostalgic person as of late.
What's happend to me?!
I've become a sap!
Guess I had to give into it eventually right?
Just to hurry up and wait.