i write ALOT...

...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

you know how to tell i'm really REALLY bored?
i start cleaning...
and keep cleaning...
and can't stop cleaning...

i spent three hours cleaning a living space of 2 bathrooms, 1 bedroom and living/dining space.
(it's not that big)
that's not saying it didn't need it b.c it most definitely did...but I NEVER clean that much unless i have nothing else to do...
correction: nothing else that i want to do.
i have to write thank you notes for my support letters.
have i ever mentioned how much i HATE thank you notes?
bleh.
blah.
ugh.
*shivers*
all those HORRIBLE experiences as a child having to write thank you notes painfully to relatives you didn't really know or kids who bought you things that you didn't really like.
it's all so fake. but necessary.
as cori said the other day, manners are hardly ever efficient.
and i tend to make things far more difficult for myself than i need to.
for example, i designed the thank you cards myself and ordered them from a company...both a money and time saver in some ways but that day that i spent being harangued by the print company was probably the most outwardly frustrated i've let myself get here. (outwardly :) i hate it when print companies talk down to you. i was working on three things at once...i couldn't focus on it all the time! whatever.
anyways. so i'm sitting here thinking well wouldn't it be nice for my supporters to have a card to put on their fridges..oh but of course that means i have to design something...
and i can never design something like this without making an ordeal out of it. i mean if its gonna represent me then it has to be all the way AWESOME :-P duh.
the things that go on inside my head.

now let's talk about christmas presents...
cori and i just opened ours from our parents while sitting at the front desk at camp.
sidenote: i hardly ever like planned presents like this b.c some part of me always ends up disappointed... b.c it just shows how little a person (namely my parents) understands me or maybe i just have too high expectations. must work on that.
anyways...i did get what i asked for which is what really counts...and a few bonus items as well.
the one stickler....
my mom bought me clothes which she usually knows is a bad idea..but this time i liked what she bought..surprising--VERY surprising.
but guess what size--LARGE
do i look like a large to you?! my gosh. i mean i used to buy mediums b.c i was afraid of wearing things too tight but even now i recognize ok maybe a small in most things fits better.
but a large!? really?
i told erin on facebook and she said and i quote "that gave me a huge belly laugh. if i had been sitting on a dorm couch, i probably would have fallen off of it."
*shaking head*
there are some things i will never understand and my mother's view of my body is definitely one of them.

so i'm going to germany in august to visit SARAH STEINER :) making plans to stop in paris on the way there or back...not sure
all of this with all of the travel fiascos of the last couple of months in the back of my mind. hence why i haven't bought the tickets yet. esp b.c my family will be like you are crazy to do this after your experiences.

i think i've just forgotten that no matter how much i try to make things happen the way they are supposed to/i want them to, they always end up in a completely different "mess".

where is christmas this year?

you know that is a very good question
b.c i think i kind of lost it.

we were supposed to spend christmas in maryland--my sister and i.
but she got food poisoning the night before our flight and spent half the morning emptying her system of all foul and nonfoul particles. definitely not fit to travel.
we talked of meeting our parents halfway in a random hotel
or catching a flight today (monday) and then flying back again in 4 days.
if anyone knows my history with the combo of flying and driving lately, i think they'll understand why i pretty much nixed the flying option from the get go. i'd just recover and have to head back out again.
and if anyone has looked at the weather lately, you'll notice a major ice/winter mix system moving through most of indiana, ohio and pennsylvania for the next couple of days. which means my parents thought it slightly unreasonable to drive 5 hrs to meet them in pennsylvania for two days. so where is christmas this year?
at my aunt's in van wert, oh.
at least we have somewhere to go. though in my mind, camp is just about as preferable as my aunt's. but at least it means free food and good food at that. though this definitely has the possibility of being one of the most awkward christmases yet. depends on how people react to us. van wert is a funny place with certain ideas of our dad and all that he could have been if our poor mother hadn't interfered. at least after spending some time with our aunt this thanksgiving we understand a little bit better how much of a nut job our grandmother really is/was (she's not much of anything anymore). understanding where people come from really does make a difference--sometimes good, sometimes bad.
and this is where cori and i show the absolute difference in our personalities.
she simplifies. i complicate.
she says we have good parents.
i say we have good people for parents who don't really understand all that there is to themselves and to each other and we as children have experienced some of the consequences and have seen the consequences in their marriage.
i'm definitely the oldest child.

everyone wants me to be simple. i'm told i have 'emotional' issues and i need to see a counselor. i'm told i should take control and figure it out. i'm told that i need to have more faith and just believe. i'm told it's all in my head and i have far more security and stability than i think. i'm told to visualize who i want to be and start taking steps to become that.
none of it really seems to make a difference. none of it rings of the truth. i kind of feel like job.
I am complex.
I am complicated.
And when I'm not listening to what everyone else around me is saying, I generally appreciate that about myself.
I don't care if the past doesn't have to control you. It is a part of me and I would not be me without it. I would not know all that I know without it. I would not love all that I love without it. And I would not want to do all that I want to do without it.
Who am I without my experiences?

all of this to say, this christmas will be yet another experience to file away in the folders of my being, another piece in the mosaic of my personality, another lens for my not so rose-colored glasses.

....

Normal seems so boring so I'm trying to lose my mind....

Virgin blogger

Laura the title's for you :)

I could be profound but I don't have much.
have been pestered by numerous people to start this thing and being stranded in a snow globe will just about do it to anybody. isolation is a killer.
o dear old chicago.
flying out this weekend to see my parents in maryland..where they haven't seen a single inch of snow yet...and i've seen probably a good couple of feet over the last month.
snow globe..i'm telling ya.

i'm noticing that i don't write in complete thoughts.
hm this could be confusing.
feel free to misconstrue however you'd like :)

sitting here wondering how does one write one of these things...i mean tis meant to be read..but really....
who's honestly going to read this?
(besides you laura :)
must develop some sort of tone or theme or SOMETHING

i'm sitting in a conference room strewn with books and games and paper and candy and coffee and apples and clothes and cabinets listening to classical christmas music. did i mention that pandora is A-mazing?
the chaos of no work space.
but that's something i've been complaining about for awhile now.
kinda sick of complaining about it. think i'm going to stop.
i'm SUPPOSED to be PROACTIVE about this kinda crap. define crap--the things i complain about (seven habits of highly effective people)
what does PROACTIVE mean anyways? can i really dig myself out of sin?
Can i be PROACTIVE enough to really make my life better on my own?
it's a nice concept but isn't that all that is wrong with our world?
isn't that everything that's been wrong with our world since the beginning of time?
that we should know the truth of good and evil and thus in possessing it, we think we can save ourselves.
AFTER ALL IF WE CAN KNOW IT, THEN SURELY WE CAN ATTAIN IT.
He should become greater i should become less (something like that)
NOT "after i'm saved" i should become more proactive and more knowledgeable of good and try even harder to attain it so that he doesn't need to become greater.
b.c after all i can't really save myself can i?
even after i'm "saved"
what happened to resting/residing/taking refuge in HIM?
i'm in more need of His grace now than ever before.

and i'm done ranting. not that this made any sense.
and where does discipline/self control fit into all of this? b.c isn't discipline/self control good?
i still haven't figured that out.
i'll let you know when i do.
b.c let me tell you discipline is NOT one of my strong points.
*being an artist and all*
free spirit
you get the point
maybe its just the idea that we should do it based upon principles/virtue instead of a relationship with the Almighty that makes me wary of being PROACTIVE.
there's always an exception to a principle/virtue.
there's give and take in a relationship..no one is ever an exception with God.
conclusion somewhat reached.