Serendipitous

I got lost on the way home from work today. Royally lost.
And I don't get lost. I hate getting lost.
More importantly I hate wasting the gas.

I bought a magnetic key box for under my car today. About time.
I hate locking myself out. I hate how change makes me do beserk things like that.

That morning I locked myself out I should've been applying for a job at this very ideal location with the perfect need--a few blocks between both places where I work in a unique, well done coffeeshop that shares shop with a framer and art supplier for a morning shift as a barista. Instead I went later, after orientation, and frazzled as can be, waited to introduce myself until after the owner had left. Unknowingly, of course.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times such events have occurred in my life. Everything from minute details to huge life decisions. So much of it is completely out of my control. And usually when I feel as if I made a decision or handled a situation well within my control, I feel trapped. But when life goes well and its clearly not been within my control, I find peace.

My housemate and I just finished watching the movie Serendipity, which ironically, is not about what the word actually means. To be serendipitous is to call events in life fortunate accidents along the way. However, the movie strongly portrays belief in a fate that directs and guides us through life to achieve our destiny; in this case, a romantic relationship.

My attitude towards such events as locking my keys in my car or finding a job is one of fate; though as a Christian we would call it something else, perhaps the Holy Spirit or even predestination. It seems to be a developing pattern in my life that while I often know exactly what I want, my timing is horribly horribly wrong. I will push and shove with all my might to bring something about and must ram my head into a brick wall repeatedly before finally receiving the message that well, it just isn't meant to happen. That's not to mean I couldn't still make it happen. I've done that before, trust me, but with many many consequences. I have learned to perceive when the Universe just isn't pulling for something to happen. The coffeeshop job is the perfect example. I didn't have time because of locking my keys in my car to drop in when I said I would and when I finally did, I missed the manager, by a hair. That's not to say I'm not going to get a job in a coffee house some day, even an art coffee house or maybe even at this particular one eventually. But the timing on that particular day was horribly off. For a good reason, unbeknownst to myself but very clear to my Heavenly Father.

But you know what's funny? I think the one part of my life that I tend to think of more serendipitously than guided by the Holy Spirit is relationships--the one thing the movie focused upon as being guided by fate. I want to believe they are guided by fate, a destiny buried deep within the ancient core of the earth that works against impossible odds to bring people together. I want to believe that there is a connection between two individuals upon this planet that cannot be replicated with any other individual. I want to believe in soulmates. I don't think there is another thing on this planet that I want to believe so desperately but can't quite bring myself to do it. I believe in God and who He is and what He has done for me. I still have doubts. I still struggle but my life revolves around Him. I believe that I will become all that I want to be and so much more. I believe that God has some very specific things He wants me to accomplish. I believe He has specific people He wants to connect with my life; some only for a time; some for life. I believe that He will give me my dreams and so much more. I believe He is in control. But i can't believe in a soulmate, especially for myself.
This concept of soulmate seems to be so deeply woven into the very fabric of our being. Why else does every movie that wants to be successful have to include a romantic storyline? Why else do all those trashy romance novels sell? Why do people still seek out relationships over and over again despite the divorce rates and the constant abuse and the absolute failure of mankind? But what does that matter? It doesn't answer the question why do I still have this underlying desire for someone to share my life with, and not just anyone but the one. Why do I still long to believe that such a thing as a soulmate exists for me even though the very term has been severely abused personally in my own life?
Why?
It is something that runs far deeper than many of my other dreams and yet it is the one that I cannot bring myself to believe really exists.

Only time will tell

I wandered around NYC for my first time yesterday. It seems smaller than what I expected. Maybe because I've been to China, particularly Shanghai...everything's bigger in China. But it was nice to be in a city and to know that access is so well, accessible. It's a 20 min train ride from where I work...I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of Friday afternoons/evenings doing that. If only I could find someone to do it with.
Walking around watching people go by, there's still some part of me that really wanted to be a part of this lifestyle. But interestingly not as much of me as in the past. And if I do ever get a chance to live in NYC, I don't want an awesome loft with a high paying job...I wanta live off the beaten path. It's the absolute commercialization of it all that drives me crazy. I thought I'd like Chicago less after visiting NYC but actually I think I like it more. It's just going to take awhile for me to find the unique places and things to do.
The end of this week finds me weary- weary beyond belief. I wonder if it will always be like this but of course it won't. The first week is always the hardest. Not only because its my first week, but because I went through orientation AND I continued to look for a second job AND I performed a number of stupid things like getting lost, locking my keys in my car while running, locking myself out of the house. You name it. I did it. I wasn't flustered about orientation or about working with the kids. Its like all my nervousness and flusteredness comes out in those forgetful ways. It's awfully exhausting. But its more than that. It goes deeper.
I'm aware of what I've chosen to do for this year. And it's not a choice I am willing to go back on. I do firmly believe this is where God has me for this next year. But I see quite fully what this will require of me and I'm not sure I have it. As a matter of fact, I know I don't. It's not that I don't have the skills. I do. I've dealt with this stuff before. Nothing feels unfamiliar...actually it feels all too familiar, a sort of deja vu. But something deep within me sighs. I don't want to give this much of myself all over again. I understand better and better why people stay in the same place for 25, even 30 years without a thought to moving.
I itch for change. I crave craziness in life. I hunger to live life to the absolute fullest. But I tasted that community and connection that develops among those who choose to not only do church together but also live life together and a key ingredient is time. Frequency and length of time. Neither of which I seem to have much of in my life right now. Only time will tell.

Do I ever learn?

Now one would think that after just experiencing this very similar situation about a month ago I would have learned something but ah of course not. I keep fighting.
I have been searching for a part time job for the last two weeks quite intensely. But I've reached the end of my rope and my desire to find one. As I always do. I all too often go after what I want intensely for a very focused period of time and then I realize time and time again no matter how hard I try I can't make the world turn 'round. I'm not big enough. I just experienced this in finding the job that I am just now starting. I had attempted EVERYTHING to make it happen in other places, even at camp. But finally when I'd given up hope at making things work, a connection is made and the ball starts rolling. A connection of course that is completely out of my control. And here I am doing it again. I want a part time job. More importantly, I need a part time job, as much for my sanity as for the money. I need something else to make me stop doing things with my other job; otherwise it will become my life. See I have this problem that once I start something I see absolutely everything that needs to be done and then I work like a busy beaver no matter the hours or energy it takes to accomplish until its accomplished...if I don't have anything better to do. I need something else to pull me away. In essence I'm obsessive. And I need the money, though I'm coming to terms with the idea that God can provide the money with or without the job.
So I've put out a lot of applications at a lot of places. I've called a lot of places. I've attempted to follow through, but there is never a personal connection and life only seems to set things up for me through personal connections. Or I prefer it to be that. But I've been trying to make it happen so without the personal connection and it is going absolutely NOWHERE!
So I'm done. I can't do it. And it's going to take a miracle to get me a job because I don't have very many connections out here (outside of Erica and all of her connections :-P).
I'm done jumping through hoops.
I'm done trying to wrack my brain to make the finances line up.
I'm done worrying.
I can't make the world turn round.
I can't make people hire me. No amount of schmoozing will be enough if its not meant to happen. And I'm going to make mistakes in how I handle sending in my applications and talking to folks and I could waste an inexhaustible amount of time and energy rehashing how and why I should have done things differently. But if its supposed to happen, it will inspite of my mistakes.
God will provide.

why am i still awake?

It's about to begin, the absolute madness that is.
And while I hate being idle, I'm not really sure I'm ready for this.
The people I work with are consumed with what they do. It's funny because it would seem that people working in nonprofit government programs would have a better grasp on how to have a life, but actually I think its worse than any workaholic in NYC. The mentality of working one's ass off to get ahead still pervades the nonprofit sector. And its not in a I want to climb the ladder, get a promotion sort of mentality. Its just a I don't know how to live life any differently sort of a mentality. Welcome to my world.
And as responsibilities are starting to head my direction, I find myself realizing maybe I don't really want this. Maybe I'm not cut out for working one's ass off. I mean I know I am. I've done it many times before. I can be a leader. I can take charge. I can get things done, let me tell you. But I'm really not sure I want to anymore. There's always a part of me that has watched those in leadership over me and calculated ok how would I have done that differently? What could be done better? picturing myself in the role. But here, I find myself going, man I would never want to be in her (my supervisor's) position. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in charge. It makes me reflect on my life wondering why in God's name did I ever think I could take charge of things? Or even moreso that I would WANT to take charge of things? Who in the world would ever willing subject themselves to such pressure and confinement and torture?
So I reflect on the prayer I prayed over and over again last year as I struggled to reign my big fat ego into submission. I prayed that I would no longer desire to compete, to rule over others, to posses power. Well folks it seems as if I've arrived. But I think I've gone in the opposite direction almost. Now I don't care. I don't care about getting ahead or planning things or leading things or even just improving things. Now I just want to hang out with people. Love em.
Or maybe I've just gotten so used to be relegated to the back corner that its going to take me awhile to get it back.

Perfectionism

You know I have no idea how many people out here now have my information....people I don't even know! Pretty much every Starbucks in the area does and now I'm starting other random classifieds and craigslist postings. Hopefully nobody's a creeper out there and going to use that information against me. oh well.
I actually sat down today and drew for the first time in quite awhile. Still life and all. Granted the still life is made up of liquor bottles and a shot glass. But what can I say? I used what was readily available and bottles always look cool :) (the previous roommate apparently was slightly notorious for her liquor buying. we have i think 5 different bottles of magarita mix. hey i'm not gonna complain. though not nearly enough tequila left to use with it. shucks)
i'm reading bird by bird by anne lamott-a favorite author of mine. its her take on the creative process...a coaching of writers specifically but applicable towards any creative field. I love reading books by writers describing the creative process and giving advice on how to do it better. You know I wish visual artists or musicians wrote books about their creative processes but I guess we wouldn't be as likely to do that. Anyways with the major upheaval of my life lately I have been in a creative stall. Actually I would say more that all of my creative juices have been spent on the logistics of moving and finding a job and all that jazz. But reading this book inspires me to get back in the groove. And more than that, to really develop a groove that will last beyond a particular living circumstance or job or location. For example, I have successfully developed the habit of doodling on just about anything when a pen is readily available, including myself. But I need to take it further than that. I need to develop a compulsive need to put something down on paper or canvas every day, like I need my coffee every morning and my morning just doesn't feel complete without it. (which I haven't had since moving here. i can't quite bring myself to spend the money on the french press but i would really be a much happier person if i would. i miss my morning coffee.)
one chapter in the book absolutely screamed at me to be read 'perfectionism'
A few quotes:
'Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.
Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived.
Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breath and move.
Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow (inadvertently I'm sure) forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.'
Now it is an absolute miracle that I am a creative person at all considering the environment that I grew up in. My parents are extremely neat folks--both of them in completely different ways. That means that my entire childhood was clean and neat. You know thinking back I really have no idea why I wanted to be an artist. I don't remember a specific event or a time that I drew or painted something and just absolutely fell in love with the creative process. But I know I always wanted to be an artist, and its been a constant uphill battle against this perfectionism that has been drilled into the very core of my being. It is not who I am, though I try so very hard to make it so. It suffocates me. I do things thoroughly and completely but I'd much rather have someone else do it for me. I am capable of it because I was raised to be that way but it is not who I am. However, in any changing, uncertain circumstances, it is my fallback. Perfectionism is how I deal with uncertainty. Now this time its not near as bad as last year, which I guess is a good sign. Maybe if I transition enough I'll learn how to deal with major upheaval without the perfectionism.
And the perfectionism comes out in a funny way. I guess it is because it's not who I am as much as a product of the circumstances I was raised in. Even in uncertain circumstances, I don't personally feel the need to have everything under control. That's why I can travel alone. Actually that's why I prefer to travel alone. I don't care if I mess it up. I don't care if I get everything wrong. Sure I'll be frustrated but there's no pressure from outside forces to keep it together. I'm not letting anyone down but myself and myself doesn't really care. But when there are other people around that are affected by my transitioning, that's when I feel the perfectionism kick in. I resort back to a similar tactic as I did with my parents when I was little. Pressure to not disturb the "peace" of the other people around me in my transition.
I'm aware I'm messy in more ways than one. But I am also stability for a lot of people because I generally keep that messiness to myself. And I have been burned enough times from experiences where people didn't like it when my 'messiness' affected them personally to feel that pressure to not disturb the "peace". For example moving in with two girls I don't know who have lived here for awhile before me as well as one of my best friends who is pretty particular about how she does stuff. I don't want to disturb the way they do life with my messiness but i realize as i'm reading this chapter on perfectionism, guess what? i'm messy. i like things clean but i have clutter. i'm not super organized. i leave things out. i'm moody. i'm random, sporadic. i don't do things in routine and i don't really care if others are like that or if they are organized and particular. i don't care, but others do. and because of this perfectionism i care that they care. until i get too crazy busy to care. then i'm able to forget that my messiness might offend people and i'm just my crazy messy all over the place self.
it just takes awhile for me to get there.

Hurry up and wait

Hurry up and wait.
That seems to be the motto of my life.
I'm not really a patient person. Guess I'm learning. It's like I hurry up and get all the stuff done on my end of the deal that I need to get done and then I'm stuck waiting for God to pull the rest of the pieces into line. It just gets discouraging after awhile. What else am I supposed to be doing right now? Just twiddling my thumbs? I'm awful at twiddling thumbs.
So I try to wait patiently.
I try to act like a real human being, and not a shell of one.
Going from absolute chaos to nothingness tends to leave one shell-shocked. Especially when its from the middle of nowhere to a metropolitan area.
It's hard not to think of all that I've left behind when I'm waiting.
And it's hard not to compare what you have currently with what you've left behind.
Man, I'm such a nostalgic person as of late.
What's happend to me?!
I've become a sap!
Guess I had to give into it eventually right?
Just to hurry up and wait.

realizations

i am realizing various things about myself. when you have lots of time alone to think, it happens.

people always ask why i paint or why i paint what i paint. i haven't figured out why i paint what i paint but i know why i paint and i think that's more important for me. i was listening to a sermon about the practice of silence, not only physical silence, but inward silence, the quieting of our minds. it's not that we need to stop our minds as much as create space for God to speak, distance ourselves from the inner monologue the voices from our past and ourselves create. there is the actual act of sitting alone in silence, meditating that the pastor talked about, but i realized that is the reason i paint. i paint to create space internally from the inner monologue of my thoughts, space for God to speak. its my own way of connecting with God and that's why i don't place much importance on the actual subject of my painting. i have been trying to focus on the subject or message of my paintings recently b.c of conversations i have had with various folks and i've found i can't paint that way. and if the only reason i paint is to create space for God, that's good enough for me.

the other day i was taking a walk by myself and stopped to blow some milkweed from its pod. This action created room for the awareness of a very tangible desire, one i've not experienced very often and one i don't think has ever been fulfilled. i found it incredibly interesting that we can desire something we have rarely experienced. i longed for someone to just be there, not needing conversation or counsel, not requiring anything of me but my presence and the same in return. i don't know that i have experienced that very often in my life. i don't think many people have, but i long for something that i've rarely experienced like a child longs for love even if they never experienced it. it's a testament to me of our Creator and what He longs for us--desires He has placed deep within everyone.

i am continuing to discover the consequences of some of my personality choices. i always strive to be open and willing to hear what others have to say. i never want to discount another's opinion about something, especially something that i know very little about--which is most everything. i am astutely aware of how little i really know in life and want to figure everything out for myself from the ground up. the only time that i speak up is when i feel confident that i can at least make an educated argument. i've gotten better about big topics like my beliefs and philosophy and my art and people and such. i've taken a lot of time to think about these things and i like discussing things, but i still hold those opinions fairly loose. but the small things in life, like activities i enjoy and shows or movies i see or small things like that, i just don't know. this makes me incredibly open to new things but it also means i don't make up my mind about things either. i'm afraid to disagree with people because i don't feel prepared. it makes me incredibly accessible. everybody likes me. but with little comfort in who i am. but out living alone has come this one good thing. i am discovering the things that i love to do in my own time, which i have not had very much of my own time in my life. and i am finally getting tired of doing those other things, or putting up with others' ideas or just being tolerable because i actually know what i like to do. do you have any idea how weird that is? i actually know what i like to do. huh.

moving on

I'm sitting in an office with a nice computer finally. The director just walked out of his office and said if anyone calls for a reference for me that all should speak absolutely horribly about me so that I can't leave. A joke of course but a wonderful compliment from a man who rarely gives them. But it's interesting because I don't feel like I have much of anything left to do. My time is coming to a close here. I never thought that I would feel at peace about leaving. I never thought that there would come a time when I would run out of things that I see that need to be done. But I have. And as I'm sorting through pictures on the catalog, one of the last things that I would've said last year needs to be done, memories of the past summers flood my heart and mind. And I never thought that I would say I'm ready to be done with camp, but I think I am. I think I'm finally getting there. I can feel my heart disengaging, pulling away, separating myself from my love for this place and all the good it has done in both my life and others. I still love the summers here, but I don't think I want to be here for the next one.

But it's not a bitterness that pushes me out though there is the temptation.

And its not the futility of the situation either, though again there is the temptation.

It is simply time to move on.

It is time to embrace something new. Of course, this is something that I have felt for a long time. My sense of adventure and restlessness hardly ever let me feel content in a place for long. But it's as if I've finally been given permission to move on, that the job I was meant to be here for has been completed. The relationships that I needed to develop have been developed. The healing my own heart needed to experience has occurred. And I am allowed to start afresh, anew.

There are definitely a few things that I am glad to leave behind--buried emotions that will only be fully aired once some distance is granted; doubts about myself and my abilities that need to be refuted in a new experience. And there are definitely a few things I am very sad to leave--relationships that have quickly grown unexpectedly; a beauty that is unique; a community, though struggling, that is very much a community. But there is one thing I have learned in all of this and it serves as a comfort as I move forward. My passion is people, first and foremost, and no matter where I go, I continue to prioritize investing in those around me as well as the relationships I have left behind. I have managed quite well to believe Satan's lie that because I am not an extrovert, people cannot be my passion, that I lack the skills. And maybe I do lack some of the skills, but I don't lack the heart and that's what counts. No matter how many times I have to start over before I figure out where I am supposed to be, I will never give up on people. I will never reach a point where I do not want to invest and be invested in.

I digress

I use the word rambling all the time so I looked up a new word in the thesaurus for my tangential stream of conscious thinking--hence digress.

I've been on this kick lately of looking up everything on the internet or wherever to find the information. I've always been curious about things but never have the time to really look things up. I'd rather know something for myself not have someone else give me the information because usually there is a bias that comes with it. But I hardly ever have the time to research things....until now :) i digress.
Chicago always makes it difficult for me to return to the camp world. i miss the city but i also found it suffocating at first this time. the country is beginning to wear off on me. i don't mind being here but i really just want to find my place, wherever that is and as much as camp people say they want me here, i kind of feel overlooked. i'll be honest i don't mind slipping into the background sometimes. i don't mind just doing things, not being in charge or leading. But its not natural for me in the end. i hold so much back here in order not to run people over or impose myself. its not my place. i'm too young. i don't really know anything in some ways. but i do in other ways. there's just so much of me that lays beneath the surface here in this atmosphere. its a silly thing but i'm pretty sure no one here knows next tuesday is my birthday. it took several weeks for my complaints about the skunk smell in my house to be taken seriously. no one really knows how much i work b.c its for different people. again sometimes i love flying below the radar but i also don't feel taken very seriously. yes i should speak up sometimes, but i'm not looking for attention. i ache to really contribute and not just fill the cracks. i mean i am an excellent crack filler (as i told my sister this weekend :) but when you're filling cracks, you're doing everybody else's odds and ends that they can't get to and none of your own stuff. I am truly learning how to follow.

what is college anyways?

This weekend is proving an interesting point to me.
We have the southwest Michigan conference of Campus Crusade here and I am running the coffeeshop for them basically at every hour possible minus meals and chapels. It provides me a great deal of time to observe and draw some conclusions.
I had a friend last year make the statement that college is the prolonging of adolescence, that we are not forcing early 20somethings to grow up but rather extending the protective parental bubble for another four years. Now that probably depends on what kind school you attend to what degree that parental bubble is provided. But I am sitting here among state school students, U of M, Michigan State, and such and they don't seem to be acting anymore responsible than I did in college. Possibly even less because after all I am an overachiever and slight control horde.
I also had heard that college is a very selfish period in one's life because you have so little responsibility. And while in it, I didn't disagree with the statement but I had a hard time applying it to myself and my friends. Now watching and having been out of it for a year, I understand so much better.
Talking to me last year at this time and even up through early spring, you would have been hard pressed to keep me from bemoaning graduating. All I wanted was to be back in school with my friends in my lovely close social circle with my wide array of activities. I could not imagine how life could get any better than that and how these individuals all around me called adults would rather be living the life they have than be in school. I dragged my feet; I kicked and screamed. I protested in every emotional way possible. It was not a graceful experience, but it did the trick. I'm glad I got it all out. It was a very productive year of mourning.
Now don't get me wrong, I love learning. I want nothing more than to take classes again and have intellectual conversations with individuals who can challenge me. I love the mentorship that being in a classroom creates between student and professor, especially as an art student. I do crave that kind of discipleship in my field.
BUT I have grieved my losses. While high school was a decent experience (aka not absolutely dreadful), I did not feel the need to grieve leaving there. I was ready for bigger and better things. And while camp was an absolutely wonderful experience so I did grieve every fall, I did not suffer for long because there was college and hope of another year at camp. Therefore, graduating college was the first time that I truly felt that it would be difficult to find something- anything- better. And my life is based on the next bigger and better thing. Essentially in my mind, my life ended last fall.
But now I can look at these folks, these lovely college students, and I can look at my life and I can truly say I am glad where I am and I do not want to go back. That there is always something good to be found, something new to learn, another experience to be had, whether it is experiencing the friendships of people my parents' age or mentoring high school and junior high students. I have no one directly around me that is my own age, in the same station of life and I actually don't mind. It is having time to do anything and everything absolutely random that I should desire and with that, the time to invest in others far more than I ever thought possible. I had friends in college no doubt even though I was insanely busy, but now neither the people here nor myself are constrained by the college schedule. I am free to invest in so many ways.
And I can understand both those statements I mentioned earlier. I would not trade my college experience for anything in the world but I also see how naive it keeps our early20somethings. I understand how everything one does in college is for oneself from the classes to the activities to your job for your money. Even service projects, duties become as much about the social experience as the service. And if students don't want to participate because there isn't enough social experience, then they don't. It is as simple as that.
All of that to say, I get it.
Whatever 'it' is.

i've been thinking...

sarah since i know you actually read this sometimes i'm sure you'll appreciate this one :)

so i'm a thinker and part of being a thinker is processing things after the fact (which i have been doing this morning and want to share but currently have no one within talking distance so i type instead to get it out). its just the nature of who i am and i'm learning to accept that. it helps that i don't have too many feelers around me. too many feelers and i get claustrophobic. last year i lived in very close quarters with three feelers.

now you must understand that my experience with feelers before this time was not positive.

i was engaged to a feeler...and he disguised himself as a thinker and manipulated me with it all the time..one of the biggest reasons why i could not be with him.

at the same time as that relationship was going on, i had a 'friendship' with a girl on campus who was an extreme feeler like manic depressive no joke and she used me for all her stability...*shudders*

looking back on previous friendships with girls, i always attracted the unstable 'feeler' b.c i was so intensely logical, especially as a child, very black and white. i provided stability which meant that i also got used a lot. there is one specific friend from grade school and another from middle school that i can remember. After both incidences i abandoned them/they switched schools and i went back to my thinking ways. in high school there were a couple of girls in our group that were feelers and of course i got caught up in that drama too.

Needless to say i have hardly ever (i won't say never b.c my best friend from high school is a feeler and we are still close) had a good experience with a feeler, especially an intense one.

Therefore in college after my engagement was broken off i swore off feelers for good and my friends in college are all thinkers before feelers and i love them all for it. it means that there is no danger of them using me for stability. there is no danger of them saying things rashly that they don't really mean but that i take as fact b.c i react as a thinker and that i then spend hours trying to process and fit into the paradigm of that person which of course it doesn't fit b.c they didn't really mean it. My friends place a lot of value on thought in their regular lives as well as their faith and that provided me with a better way to connect with my faith in college. High school I was always taught to connect through my emotions and since my emotions are not my natural inclination, my faith never was either. At the same time in college I also learned to hold others' thoughts apart from my own and not take them personally when they conflicted. And when they did share emotion, I took it as a privilege to be hearing them and never took them personally because it was not seen as an intrusion on my life b.c they only did it when absolutely necessary and i trusted that. then i graduated....

and i ended with three feelers for roommates in an area slightly larger than three college dorm rooms put together. oh, and i went to china (which i loved) for a month with a feeler who didn't do squat b.c he couldn't get over his emotions and actually deal with the situation (which i despised). needless to say, i was suffocated.

*these statements are said in retrospect. remember: i don't process well in the moment b.c i am a thinker and when you are a thinker among feelers (or vice versa), it is like trying to communicate in a foreign language.*

the situation, things said, handled, etc. especially in the beginning of the year reminded me WAAAAY too much of David and the friend i had in college. and while i had thought i had dealt with a lot of those negative emotions towards them, which i had towards them directly, i had not dealt with the negative emotions towards feelers, particularly strong feelers and those who cover it up with intellectualism. someone who covers it up with intellectualism confuses me even more because especially after college, i associate intellectualism with thinkers, not feelers. i forget that feelers can be intellectuals who can make their feelings sound like intellectual statements which i then try to plug into my logic and get all confused because of course they are feelings, not necessarily rational.

Qualification: while feelings are not my natural form of communication/reaction, they are something i have learned are very important to me, thus making me passionate and sensitive about things that i really care about. And instead of numbing them as many thinkers do in order to avoid them, i have actually come to value them more than thoughts because i have thoughts about many things, but i do not have feelings about many. It helps me to sort out what really means something to me, even as i am aware that emotions often lie, but they serve as a signal that something important is going on and needs to be addressed.

now if you take the process above and apply it to feelers, well it just doesn't work. again another reason why i was confused most of the year and couldn't understand things. also when feelings are being thrown about to and fro it makes it very difficult for me to figure out what my own feelings are. unlike my thoughts which i have learned how to hold onto no matter what is going on around me, i am not that strong in feelings. so it was a wonder i survived at all with any emotions of my own and i definitely couldn't figure out what i wanted in life b.c i had all of these other emotions from others i was trying to process. it was just too much noise so to speak. finally, it made it very difficult to connect with at least two of the people i lived with b.c it was like speaking two different languages and in speaking a foreign language, especially when not fluent, it is extremely exhausting to try and connect with people on a real level and it just becomes easier to not. therefore, i felt more lonely last year b.c while i lived with people i couldn't connect with them, and i was so exhausted from trying to connect and not succeeding that i didn't have any energy to connect with anyone else. This year i live by myself and have to work to connect but i also have room to breathe.

BUT in amongst all of this confusion, God also brought me a positive example of a feeler, Dorie Voyles :). While she is a feeler hardcore, i don't feel in danger of being used or being lashed out at and she taught me a lot about emotions and valuing them. She also helped me to get over my fear of feelers, or at least make me more aware of why i want to run away when a feeler starts to cry. And that it is possible to communicate across those lines and it does not have to be utterly exhausting. It can actually be appreciated.

One final thing. a concept, point of understanding.

being a thinker does not mean one doesn't have feelings but just that it is easier to communicate and relate to life through logic instead of emotion. the opposite is true for feelers.

because of this, whichever one we are not often is the one we value more/have heightened sense of because it is unusual, foreign. therefore, we have one of two choices. we can ignore and subdue our weaker sense because it is foreign and uncomfortable or we can value it because it is unusual and can reveal new and hidden dimensions about ourselves.

none of us are one-dimensional

tossed to and fro

I waver like a twig tossed to and fro by every passing breeze. It is not something tragic or exuberant but just a whim-a whim that seems to only further exaggerate how little I know what God wants for my life.
I have dreams, oh so many dreams. I have passions far exceeding what most people will ever experience. I have already encountered in my young 23 years more than what some people will in their entire lives. And I am more acutely aware of all of this than most. My level of contemplation about life, from the very minute details to the overarching themes, consumes more of my thought process than I ever care to admit. It is utterly exhausting. There are many gifts I am blessed with and thus much responsibility which are a constant weight upon my shoulders.
I am independent but love people.
I care deeply for things and yet strive to remain objective.
I am opinionated and yet allow others to hold their opinions.
I am easily affected by others and yet very stubborn in who I am.
I am intensely creative and yet effectively logical.
I am keenly sensitive to others and myself.
I can keep track of everyone else's details better than my own.
I see the potential in most everyone but also realize who they are in the present.
I am a hidden romantic, a pragmatic idealist, a bitter realist.
I am full of constant change, consistently inconsistent, open to many possibilities and yet staunchly conservative about particulars.
I love who I am and yet find it shameful at times.

All of this and I feel no closer to understanding why I am where I am right now. I know where I want to go and I have faith that God will get me there eventually because He's done it many times before. But where I am right now is like a shot in the dark and what I choose to do next seems to be more of a whim than anything else. I can only pray and have faith that the pieces will fall into place.

this is for all the single ladies

this is written in light of my viewing of the movie ''he's just not that into you'' and events in my and my friends' lives that have coincided. this is for all the single ladies.

I enjoyed ''he's just not that into you''. While extremely exaggerated, I found it entertaining with a few gems of truth hidden in the rough. And it struck a chord. While I would say that my friends and I are not anywhere near as desperate as the main character and that we don't go looking for guys in bars and online dating sites, we are well acquainted with this position of wondering and asking the question women have been asking for ages, "Does he really like me? And if he does, why doesn't he do something about it?

As any good girlfriend does, you comfort, make excuses, and call the guy a jerk (or at least I do). Now I consider myself a fairly good judge of character when it comes to people and how they interact with each other. I am also aware I am prejudice against relationships for reasons that can be addressed at another time. BUT this makes it all the more impressive when I think a couple can work or that a guy and girl really like each other (excluding myself, I have concluded that in some circumstances I am awful reading others for myself). Needless to say, I am extremely realistic in the matters of the heart, if anything, a pessimist. Especially after seeing the movie, I declare I am not that girlfriend that makes excuses for him and I am not that girlfriend that beats around the bush. I give it to you like it is.
And I am here to say that I have had enough of the stupid games we play with ourselves and with them. I'm trying to learn, understand, and communicate that many times a guy's response, or lack therof, is not personal. They aren't thinking about how many times they should email/text/call you or whether their stories line up or if they were being rude or just plain distracted. I have watched and experienced time and time again interest shown, toyed with, prolonged unnecessarily so, and then finally dropped *sigh of relief*.
BUT GUYS, these are not stupid girls! These are women who are genuinely interested and want to be honest and open about it. They are not looking for the world, just a response! They are not conniving or manipulative and they know you are expressing interest in some facet. (Whether it is because you are genuinely interested or only looking to fill the space, is yet to be determined, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.)
I know it's hard to approach a girl. I know it's hard to be honest and put yourself out there. But we are sick and tired of doing it for you. When is it going to be enough? When do you finally make up your mind that we are worth an honest response, either yes or no? Because for those of you actually worthwhile out there, it doesn't matter how much we do or don't chase after you, let's be honest. It's whether or not you can make up your mind what you actually want. We're not asking that it be us that you choose, we're just asking you to choose, and then have the decency to tell us. Because we know once you choose, you'll see it through, but damn it, you have to choose!

job searching..

i began really looking at jobs today....
i've done it before but mostly just dreaming. today i actually filled out some applications.
and i have some more that i will do tomorrow. and i actually found a place that i want to check out, that i really want to work out. but i'm afraid to hope too much in case it isn't all that i expected.
i'm trying to figure out why i'm leaving camp. i mean i know the year was tough for a number of reasons but i also grew from it immeasurably as a person and as i begin the job search, i get so easily distracted by various ideas and brainstorms that i lose direction in the thicket of possibilities. and the thicket makes me realize how absolutely clueless i really am...not because i don't want anything but the exact opposite- because i want everything.
i want everything and yet i'm so keenly aware i am not ready for it.
i don't know anything. really honestly and truly, for all my knowledge and love of it, i know nothing. i am a dandelion puff blown to and fro by every catching fancy, scattered in a million directions. my God how my emotions and fancies control me. how is one to decipher what one should really do with your life when it changes with every passing second? will it ever make sense?
i went to college to figure out who i am...and i did....and there seems to be too much to me to be encompassed by any one thing. i can't move somewhere because of a job. it won't be enough and i can't move somewhere because of people. they won't be enough. those two things i have learned. so why else do you move somewhere? why else do we move on? because of God?
i've struggled in and out all year with this confliction of need and doubt. i need a God who is concerned with the details, who is intimately involved in my life. i desire Someone who knows me better than myself because i am such an outright mess and because no one else really gets all of me. [its kind of impossible. i don't even get all of me.] this desire to be known consumed so much of my being this year because it was so unfulfilled. i realized how much i had taken for granted those who knew me before and that i placed too much expectation on those who were with me at the time. more than anything i didn't understand me. i longed for someone who could see through all the crap to the core of my being, the core i was trying to hide even from myself, and tell me i was gonna be ok, that i hadn't made an awful mistake, and that while i felt so horribly trapped at the time, i would find freedom again. the darkness that surrounded me battled daily to drown out a God who promises to know my inner self, who promises to take care of the details. but Light has come.
i have found Freedom and while it also leaves a great deal of space for fear, Faith fills in the gaps. and it is the Faith that i am learning to lean on- the Faith that, when the thicket threatens to drown out my dreams, strengthens them even more. the Faith that speaks the dreams to my heart continually, long after the job search has subsided and my head and heart has cleared. the Faith that, admist my emotions and fancies scattering in a million directions, stands strong. and i am learning to listen to that Faith. and while it seems quite impossible that a God so huge could be concerned with someone so small as myself and with such a will of my own, i am learning to rest in the knowledge that He who created me to be so intimately known satisfies that desire in Himself and in doing so, concerns Himself with the details because i am the details.

i hate dentists

nothing like a dentist appointment to put one in a sour mood.
I left my dentist with the information that I have 13....count them...13 cavities.
Now granted I have not been to the dentist in over a year...but its still been less than 2 years....
13?
really?
my other dentist never called anything he filled before even cavities and that was only 2...just weak enamel. i think this one might be a bit overambitious. And all of this...with no dental insurance.
now my parents are very gracious people and loving parents and that's why I went to the dentist in the first place, because they said they were willing to pay for it. And now, if they choose to get it all done eventually, they will be about $3500 poorer because of it. hopefully not all right now...in installments of course. never mind how my mouth will feel. i should get dental insurance asap.
it was a depressing reality check for me, and not just because I need to start flossing more regularly.
how in the world am I supposed to make this work? this being life...the simple practicalities.
a job, health insurance, dental insurance, car insurance, housing, food, clothing. its enough to make a person's head spin and wonder how in the world do you even tackle that pile? my situation at camp right now is perfect in regards to all of those things, minus the dental insurance. its a job that provides health insurance and free housing and food and enough money to cover the details. but I want more.
I'm not talking about finding the dream job. I'm just talking about finding a job and life of my own. I feel like I'm finally ready. I don't want to make a ton of money. money can't fix everything.
[I already knew my teeth were screwed up and somebody already spent six years trying to fix them and they're still messed up and they are only going to deteriorate more. let's face it. unless we're under 18, our bodies are all deteriorating as we speak, no matter what we do to counter it. I already know my body is screwed up. I have an anxiety problem that is probably destroying my stomach and not much that I can do about it.]
money can't fix any of that stuff and I'm really trying to learn that money and job isn't security and this is one of those moments where God is testing me. I feel absolutely awful to make them spend that much money on my stupid teeth which apparently I do an awful job of taking care of as well. And if I didn't feel so good about having decided to go to Paris, it would make me feel awful about spending money on that whole adventure. and how horribly inpractical it could have been. but Paris taught me a few invaluable things.
Paris showed me that I can be on my own, that I want to be on my own, that I long to be on my own, and maybe it means I will end up spending the rest of my life on my own and that's ok. Not lonely there's a distinction, just on my own. I will still have friends. but I fell in love with the absolute freedom I had in Paris. not only because it was a city and I could go anywhere whenever I wanted but because I was free to choose. I was free to set my own responsibilities. but today I realized with that freedom comes great personal responsibility in those practical matters of life. and that responsibility is large enough to make me question whether I can make it work. it scares me.
BUT I was incredibly scared of Paris and loved it.
I have found that the things I am most afraid of doing (besides heights and zip lines and roller coasters..those kinds of things) are the things that I end up loving the most. I was scared to death to stay at camp this summer because I was aware of how many circumstances could have gone awry and it is that very awareness that makes me incredibly grateful that I walked away feeling as if I did my best, still made friends, loved the kids, and didn't walk away bitter.
I am scared to move out on my own but I want it more than anything else right now.
And that will become evident in my search because as we all know, unless I really really want something, well it just doesn't happen.

full circle

summer is ending and i'm realizing how full circle my life has truly come.

i discovered on facebook last night that my ex-fiance is now engaged again. it's been three years. good for him. and that chapter in my life is officially closed.

i have also discovered in the last few days that i have yet again been unsuccessful in breaking my summer camp crush tradition, though i did manage most of the summer to not let this happen. i have let a guy get too close. i guess i always gravitate towards one male or another during the summer. i even tried really hard this summer not to but its hard when one actively pursues you. i only had friendship in mind and it worked really well. i honestly can say i was not 'on the prowl'. but this last week something has changed and i screwed up/i'm screwed yet again. its not too close for him, this time...but too close for me b.c he can't/won't follow through. just like my other experiences. i'm learning though b.c there isn't any expectation at all of follow through this time. and i'm learning that i will speak my mind to preserve my dignity. i've refrained in the past b.c i've wanted them to be men and own up to it. but this time i don't care. i will say something and promptly...just to give me some freedom. life has come full circle yet again.

homesick

the last couple of weeks have been a lot of realizations coming to fruition from a year of many struggles. the blindfold is being removed. thank God.

and one of the clearest things came during a song in worship the other night. the word home was used in a song and it absolutely struck me upside the head. that is what i've been feeling all year and the reason it has been so daunting is because it is homesick for places that don't exist anymore. when a camper is homesick, you have the ultimate comfort of knowing that in 6 days they will be back where they came from and not homesick anymore. but when you can't go back home, where do you go? what do you do? so i've been praying for Jesus to take me home--wherever that may be. b.c while i'd love to travel the world and do lots of exciting things for years on end, i don't have a home base to return to. i don't have any security or stability except in my friends. while i love my family, i've realized they've never really been my security/stability. its more like they've always thrown it off. and if i don't have the security/stability to return to, i will continue feeling like this until i let Jesus take me home aka lead me where He wants me to be and trust that it will provide stability in the way i need it. it was only during college that i really found that security. before that i didn't even think it was possible. now i realize its possible and i struggle with thinking God just wanted to tease me and taunt me. i'm trying to trust that he will provide me with a home...a permanent home in some way shape or form and that i will not feel homesick for the rest of my life.

amen.

so parents really are smart people

my parents came to visit this last week and while it was absolute chaos to have them here at camp during my last week of work and while the program office peoples were arriving, they both made a very good point about what i am doing here at camp. at one point my dad said something about how i am doing very well for myself..which to me is a kind of duh b.c well i make the most of every opportunity much to the dismay of many people around me..but something i have lost sight of b.c of how difficult this year has been. AND no matter what, my parents' approval will always be the one thing that i seek out most, whether i fully realize it or not. and while i'm a lot like both of them, i am also very distinctly my own person. that is something i am always going to struggle with understanding b.c well you never really REALLY want to see yourself turn out just like your mom or dad BUT there are some things that i really do want to emulate--which is saying something b.c my respect level for them has not always been very high.
Also both my mom and dad pointed out that it takes a lot of hard work and perserverance to work your way into a place, which i've always known and thought common knowledge until this year. the people i work with don't really think that way, or at least aren't as practiced at thinking that way and its something that has been driven into my brain since well forever. SO it was good to hear that again from them and to understand even better that while my parents have raised me that way, not everybody else has quite gotten that point.
Finally, my dad sent a text message and said it repeatedly throughout the weekend that i am doing a good thing here. its been so damn hard that i never thought about the fact that its good. i've felt ashamed of the work that i do b.c it makes other people uncomfortable or feel guilty. but i am doing something good. huh. who knew?

transition

Thus begins the next transition.

I have packed and moved my stuff yet again.

not far...about 500 feet-

but each time it means sorting and throwing away-

another act of processing my life.

and while i leave for a week the place i have finally come to be reasonably comfortable in (as frustrating as it is) will be transformed into summer.

and i'm not ready.

hopefully this week away will bring the transition but in reality all i want is to spend the summer in a hole. i have expended so much energy this year to bring myself into reasonable terms with all of those around me that i have none left for this summer. 

no one has been putting energy into me. 

hopefully this summer brings a few friends who can pour into me as much as i pour into them.

it has been a good year--a learning year--

but it has not provided me with much strength.

for the first time last night in a looooong time (minus a few rare occurrences outside of camp)

 i didn't spend my time calculating how long i was spending with someone. 

and i felt comfortable to just be.

now i'm afraid once summer begins that won't be true anymore.

in actuality it probably will occur more but i don't have much faith right now.

someday.....

God is Spirit

To say that God is Spirit is to say that Life does care.

That the very thing that Life comes from does care.

Not by a universe that is indifferent but by a universe that is relational.

To come to the end of yourself is the center of the Christian story.

My sins prevent me from perfection.

I am ready to acknowledge that there is a God and it is not me.

When we continue to inflate our own ego, saying I can do it is not the Christian faith.

To walk in the spirit is to say that I need Your Energy.

My senses God and my rational powers have lost their imagination.

What I see is despair.

I need something that will transcend what I can see.

I need help outside of my circumstances

because my circumstances without external help will kill me.

-Rob Bell

women's retreat

i'm going to try to avoid stereotyping in this blog...but i think it will be slightly inevitable and you know sometimes stereotypes are true. most things are true in some circumstance...however random. excuse the abruptness/lack of transitions.

this weekend is women's retreat--and it defines everything that is wrong with the current church culture--and my life.

this entire week was a fiasco of planning/organizing/correcting/fixing/changing/hanging on by a thread. i had two choices. i could care and freak out trying to make everything happen OR i could check out. i chose the first. what did the other interns choose? the second. is this unusual? no.

i sat in on the first session last night after staying up til 4:30 am the previous night hanging out with my roommate who is everything that i love about life. she is everything that i became during college and brings out the person that i love in myself. she cares about life. she's not afraid to be passionate about something. BUT it doesn't freak her out. she's my stability, my heart, my soul. We could live together for the rest of our lives. we could do anything--conquer the world.

maybe out in the real world it wouldn't be true.

maybe living together in the real world would destroy our relationship-

maybe that's why i'm afraid of committing to living with her next year.

maybe i'm supposed to move beyond that.

if this year is moving beyond that, then i don't want to move beyond that.

i had to leave her this year b.c we are each other's stability. i needed to learn how important that stability is in my life...whether it comes from her or not.

The women that attend this retreat are the typical middle age middle class overweight woman or the younger set that are heading that direction. My absolute greatest fear in life is becoming this very kind of person. All other fears are surface things that i could get over if put in an extreme enough situation. 

i fear mediocrity. 

very few women who came on this retreat would be ones that i would be friends with in real life. they are the ones that share one experience with you and expect you to be the greatest of friends. solid stable friendships take time...that's something i've been trying to teach the girls i live with. 

i fear conformity.

i thought in working at camp i would be setting myself against the grain, would be setting myself apart. forcing myself out of the chaotic mainstream of society into rest, peace, God's way. Instead i've found if this is what setting apart is i don't want to be set apart. i want to be in the middle of the chaos...the mainstream of society...the messy passionate glorious secular world. those are the people i can relate to...people that i find fascinating...people that i can really learn from...people that teach me to define myself instead of being defined by others. people who don't feel the need to hold it together..to be perfect. people who do what they love...not what they feel obligated to do. why do i want to be a part of that world instead of the middle class christian world? b.c i am too closely linked. it makes me fear conformity to the point of rebellion instead of doing things purely for their intrinsic value whether they are part of the mainstream or not. 

i want real.

i want messy.

i want pain.

i want passion.

i want laughter.

i don't want needy.

i don't want control.

i don't want perfection.

i don't want insecurity.

i don't want pride.

i don't want shame.

i don't want cynicism.

i want real.

i want to love.

i want to breathe.

i want to feel.

i want to be free.

and i ask for the impossible, don't i?

but that's what we are created for.

That is the Creator.

With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible.

The truth will set us free.

everyone has their ideas of what i should do with my life

to whom much has been given much is expected.

that is how i feel about my set of talents. i have been given much.

make the most of every opportunity for the days are evil

i use my talents in the current situation in every opportunity possible

do not just go the one mile but walk with him two

i go the extra mile b.c i can clearly see it...others don't see it..i have been burdened

come to me all who are weary and heavy ladened and i will give you rest for my yolk is easy and my burden is light

why am i so tired?

why do i see all of these women who take care of everything coming to a retreat like this and they are so exhausted?

i don't want to join their masses.

work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord not for men.

but i want to work at it with all my heart...i have found the satisfaction of giving it all to the Lord and there is nothing greater. why has this year been so different?

for the things i do not want to do i do and the things i ought i do not do

there is a war waging within the members of my body

when will the war stop?

i am bombarded on every side

the Lord is my refuge in time of trouble, a mighty fortress

i do not want to blame any one party.

search me Lord and know my heart. see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

i become so increasingly aware of what an awful person i am in my own right. i am so weak yet i am too strong for my own good.

in my weakness You are strong

a broken and contrite heart You desire

i want to turn my brain off...i want to follow the Spirit.

the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I'm sitting the desk yet again...second weekend in a row.

And I spent an hour last night yet again indulging my digestive tract's cramping.

And my head is pounding yet again from a sinus infection that just won't go away.

I hope I never take being healthy/feeling well for granted after this year.

I've almost gotten used to feeling subpar. It's depressing.

But it can't go on forever right? Either its gotta get better b.c of everything that I'm trying to fix my body or its gotta get worse. If it gets worse, I go to the doctor b.c I don't know how much longer I can take this. God has been using my body to teach me that I can't fix anything, I'm not in control and there's not always a simple logical reason for why I feel the way I do. Maybe I really am lactose intolerant or maybe my body is just on the blitz. Maybe my sinuses do make my motion sickness a hundred times worse or maybe I just can't take mobility for granted. Either way I am finally reaching a point where I can accept/ignore it so that it doesn't keep me from doing things. Unlike earlier this year when I felt like the world was ending every time I felt ill....which was a.b every couple of weeks. That means my stability factor in life is going up....which is good. And I think I am finding solutions slowly but surely. I don't know if I can counsel if it doesn't get better. I physically would not have been able to handle being with kids--or anybody for that matter, all the time this year. It really will not be of my own strength that is for sure.

It's as if my body has spent the year physically crashing from all the time I pushed it too far during high school and college and ignored what it needed--healthy food, exercise, sleep, rest in general. It all caught up with me in the last eight months. Now I pray by May it will have recovered enough to be of use this summer. It will definitely change my pace. thinking about pace..

Yesterday my starbucks cup (a grandevanillasoylatte...now i really sound like a high maintenance city chick) had a quote about how commitment, contrary to popular belief, frees us instead of enslaves us--frees us to do things wholeheartedly without reserve, without fear b.c we have made up our mind, we have chosen something, and in choosing it, we no longer have this assortment of options to expend our time and energies trying to balance. It's committing to something, flaws and all, and getting something done instead of spending that same energy evaluating and critiquing all the options but not actually doing any of them. I just wrote this whole big long theory thing and realized while its true its not really the heart of the matter. 

I've been spending most of this year detached, evaluating/critiquing myself more than anyone else. I'm the kind of person that especially in the last couple of years has found great joy and freedom in committing to things wholeheartedly. That's why I love camp, because it gave me a place I really could commit to something wholeheartedly and go in with reckless abandon. I thought this year would be even moreso b.c I'm at one place and involved in one thing but its not. It's been good for me to evaluate myself and rethink everything about myself but I'm tired of it and I'm tired of the same attitude pervading everyone else about camp. This detached critical attitude among the full time staff at camp is discouraging. My friends at college weren't even this bad. Denise is the only person who would undoubtably puts the greater good above her own agenda...when she understands the greater good. She's new so she's not jaded but that also means she also doesn't understand the big picture very well yet. She just doesn't know but she wants to. The others don't care. They don't want to know. It's self-preservation but its self-preservation b.c they don't trust that God will provide. But that's not logical of course. Logic says if I don't cover my ass, somebody's gonna get me. Faith says if I don't cover my ass, then God is gonna get me. wouldn't you rather have God get you than even yourself? or do you not trust him? do you think you can do better than He does? Faith isn't counting how many times I've had to do this for this person or that that person didn't do this for me that one time. That's logic. Faith/love holds no record of wrongs. Faith trusts that God will take care of His children. I'm talking to myself more than anybody else right now.

I graduated college exhausted but the best kind of exhausted. The exhausted that said that I gave it my all and I can walk away knowing I made the most of every opportunity. This year I've learned a ton about myself and my relationship with God has deepened greatly b.c of this resistance, this self-preservation all around me, not b.c of people challenging me to grow. b.c of the negative, not b.c of the positive. i'm tired of doing this half ass myself. i'm tired of my ego keeping me from giving wholeheartedly. i'm tired of my insecurity destroying my confidence in my abilities. i'm tired of being afraid. and i'm still exhausted. it's not as if protecting myself has made me any less exhausted than i was during college. and i'm not anywhere near as satisfied. we're all afraid of burnout but we're burnt out not b.c we gave wholeheartedly but b.c we've tried to protect ourselves; b.c we didn't give out of God but out of ourselves; b.c we didn't trust that God would really provide if we served Him with all that we had...like He has asked us to. 

the weirdest thing just happened...

wow i have no idea what to make of this.

someone offered to make a job connection for me in st louis. i looked on his facebook page for the church website and found reliantchurch.org. clicked on it and have spend the last day and a half falling in love with it. its creative. its inner city. its diverse. its simple, young, active. and i have been praying about it for the last day and a half to not rush and just say yes. so i finally went tonight after talking it over with past/future roommates about it to send the friend who made the connection a facebook message to say yes i am most definitely interested. BUT first i thought for some reason, maybe i should check just to make sure that it was the only st louis church on his facebook page and that i would be writing to him about a church that he doesn't know about and he'd think i'm crazy. so i looked.

and i couldn't find it.

i searched through his groups ten times looking for it.

and its not there.

and i found a different church that wasn't there before.

how the heck...?

and the new church on there is a church with a HUGE staff and tons of programs and nothing that i would ever be interested in working for...minus the fact that it is an actual job possibility in an economy that doesn't provide much hope.

needless to say i have absolutely no explanation besides God.

and what does that mean i am supposed to do with it?

I did not google search for this reliant church.

I found it by clicking on a group link on this guy's facebook page and then found the website on its facebook page.

but its not there anymore.

this is clearly not where he works.

this is clearly not where the job offer is.

but the church is wonderful in all that it is doing.

it is real.

and beyond any rationalization that i could ever come up with, God took me to that website.

the reliant church is close to where my roommates were looking for an apartment in st louis.

i told God that if i were going to move to st louis...anywhere for that matter...i'd have to have a community/connections to live in. i was not going to move somewhere blindly with two roommates and expect to stumble into a community. i wanted a guarantee. there it is. 

how do i explain it?

God what do you require of me?

as i speak my mind...

i'm becoming a horrible person.

as i speak my mind,

i'm becoming a horrible person.

this entire thing is poisoning me, ruining me

eating away at my soul.

it is making me a horrible person.

and i can keep lying to myself

justifying what i say and do by the pain she's caused

but ultimately it makes me no better than her.

and that's why i don't speak my mind.

b.c i know my heart is not right and my words are poison.

i can't express myself well

b.c what i want to express only hurts people.

i want to express myself

i need to express myself

but i'm realizing more and more how entirely futile my efforts really are. the harder i try to express myself the worse it gets. i'm trying to talk things out, work through them, but words only get me so far. my heart has to change and i want my heart to change b.c i can see how the poison in me is hindering my other relationships. but i don't know how.

i've talked it out.

i've even i think pretty much figured out the reason for the pain.

i'm praying about how to confront it

but the pain keeps reoccurring; it hasn't stopped. so i am healing from past ones but new ones keep being inflicted. i am fighting a losing battle. one i have no strength no wisdom nothing by which to even fight. 

meanwhile i feel like i'm becoming this horrible person. i just need to stop talking about it. i have to. i figured it out. now i need to let it go. and talking about it does not help me to let it go. 

Lord help me to keep my mouth shut and my brain off.

Turn on your spirit in mine and shut up my infantile logic.

Amen.

i want to go to paris

So I need a break...desperately.
and not just a visit friend break but just where i go do my own thing.
and i want to go to paris. plane tickets from chicago are under $500 in the next couple of weeks. sigh. i am so tempted to just up and leave.
i want to sit by one of the huge fountains in one of the parks that you can just see the Eiffel tower peaking over the trees and sip espresso. that's really all i want. i can just feel it at the edge of my fingertips. i can taste the espresso. and i can feel the relaxation/absolute joy flooding my soul as i think about it. its practically tangible. i want it so bad, but have no time for it til august. but i want it now! i feel like a little kid with the cookie just out of my reach. BAH!
someday. its good to know that i can feel something like that again.
instead i'm looking at a lodge to stay at here in michigan for a day or two.
but i really want paris mind you. oh well life goes on.
but i will get there...i will. and that is final.
meanwhile i reach the point of breaking physically mentally emotionally but not spiritually.
For the first the time in a long time i am at peace spiritually.
the rest of me is now ready to collapse since that has been taken care of. and i need a break.

a mist...

peace and contentment whisper in my ear,
taunting elusively,
playing cat and mouse with my heart.

residing temporarily,
settling within me in small pieces,
and then fleeing at a moment's notice.

others attempt and praise,
but nothing fulfills the drive,
tearing and wearing at my heart.

i am left empty-handed
with no answers
and a God that seems to have turned a deaf ear.

Seeking and searching the unattainable,
the elusive tomorrow,
instead of dwelling in the God of now.

God has the control,
but the hold is invisible,
and incomprehensible.

grieving

grieving seems to be the absolute theme surrounding my life right now.
because of lent and because of life.

Life has given me many causes to grieve--
and not a lot of time.

God has asked me to grieve--
and I have ignored Him
for years.

Until I made the commitment to be at camp this year.
I cried more this summer in front of people than I have--EVER.
I had a complete and utter breakdown and nothing could make it better.
the walls had begun crumbling.

Then I went to China...and came back...and shut down and out.
It was part of the process...but not a part I had anticipated.
I was clearly misunderstood in my grief.
I misunderstood myself.
I fear grief because I fear being misunderstood and I fear expressing it.
I know its there.
I acknowledge it.
I feel it.
I dwell in it.
But I do not always know how to express it.
People like to provide answers--but I don't need Job's friends. I have enough of them in my own head. I am learning how to silence them...inside and out.
I am learning how to ignore how other people handle their grief and focus on my own expression.
I am learning how to grieve in the deepest way possible--deep beyond despair into healing.
I am learning how to dwell in the pain--love the pain into healing.
I am learning how to silence the voices--silence the noise into peace.
I am learning....
but it ain't pretty.

another thought

being forced to sit here for days on end in the same place has forced many things to the surface, but in my walk the one that haunts me the most...
given the stillness/slowness of this year i have chosen,
tis completely unavoidable.
i try. real hard. trust me.
but it's not fun.
when God says to be still, we don't often get beyond the point of the initial peace of the silence b.c the noise of our every day lives is so overwhelming and so addicting.
i like being busy. i like knowing i'm getting things done in a day.
i don't like silence. i don't like stillness. b.c its painful. it makes me question the purpose of my very existence.
i wanted peace from the silence/stillness of this year.
do you know what peace means? wholeness.
and how does one acquire such wholeness?
well it's definitely not on the happy road, let me tell you.
i'm pretty sick of it by now to be quite honest. downright sick of it. can you tell God to stop?
be careful what you pray for...
b.c you will actually get it...
but its never easy nor the way you want it to come.

hypocrite

whenever my stomach is bothering me (usually between the hours of 2 am and 6 am) i walk down to the dining hall and get some sprite. it has become a routine that i try to break b.c it frustrates me so much that my stomach bothers me all the time. i did it tonight at 10.30 pm figuring i would save myself the effort of having to go later when i'm awaken by my stomach plus i had this absolute frustration/suffocation/need to get out of the 'house'. it was ridiculously suffocating. i wanted to go to sleep. i've already taken my valerien and am quite ready to go to sleep except i am not at peace at all. and as i'm walking there God and i are having a conversation b.c that's the real reason i do this. i mean like the last couple of nights my stomach has really been upset/i've been sick but on many occasions its not because i'm sick...it's because my spirit is so uneasy in this place. that is so unbelievably hard for me to say. b.c if my spirit is uneasy that means that there is something wrong going on here and i've been thinking that it means i've picked the wrong thing to do with my life this year. to me it means that i'm in the wrong place and this entire year is a waste. to me it means that there is something wrong with me. and yes, there has been something wrong with me...lots of things wrong with me. but it's more than that. b.c no matter how much God and I battle back and forth about my personal walk and my own attitude and heart about life and the hand that has been dealt me, there is something else going on here. but its camp. it's Miracle Camp. It's the place where God lives. then why does it feel so empty? no that's wrong it's not empty b.c that implies that nothing is happening. no, it's negative energy that is at work...there's not just nothing going on...there's something working against us. but nobody else feels it. nobody else senses the absolute oppression that suffocates us day in and day out. nobody sees the emptiness that fills our daily lives in this mediocre existence. nobody sees the ridiculous things to which we run to hide our pain. nobody else sees the circles we run in day in and day out. these manufactured routines that make no sense. there's no purpose and its driving me crazy. everything i did in college had a purpose...it had to. i didn't have time for anything less and i loved it. now i waste half my day running in circles.
we do the same things over and over again
not b.c we love them.
not b.c we need them.
but b.c we are too afraid to do anything else.
we are too afraid to feel.
too afraid to love.
so we do the same things over and over again
so we tread in place, just keeping our heads afloat
not changing not moving forward
and we criticize. (constructively of course. b.c we're christian. i'm so tired of hearing the same old criticisms over and over again when we can't change a DAMN thing. correction: not can't, won't)
b.c we're bored.
b.c we think we can do better.
ultimately b.c we don't like ourselves so we point the finger elsewhere
instead we hide behind the smoke screens of our routines, our circles.
they hide how unhappy we really are.
and they don't change anything.
i just dont' get it.
i feel like i'm the only one that sees it and i can't sleep at night b.c of it. i'm trying to establish things here that change things but i'm drowning. i'm in over my head. i'm fighting a tide that isn't likely to turn any time soon. people are stuck in their ways. and its always personal.
damn those people who take everything personal.
i can't do it.
now that i can see it more clearly, i can say even more confidently...i can't do this.
i'm tired of working with people who can't see two inches past their own noses. and they are good people and they care about each other. but they have no interest in becoming a team. they have no interest in cooperation and especially not creativity.
why?
b.c their routines are a smokescreen for how unhappy they are, how much they don't like themselves.
and i should replace that they with we and their with our. i've become one of them.
God, that is so frustrating to say.
i don't like myself. i've been giving lectures on liking yourself for years and i realize my routines are a smokescreen for me not liking myself. why don't i like myself?
b.c i can't be myself. who's fault is that? well that's still up for grabs.
the demons have been let out of their cages.

I DON'T LIKE MYSELF
what a hypocrite.

God I see the way these people live their lives. They're Christians, but your saving grace is not a reality to them. and b.c of that, grace is not extended to others. I'm in a desert and I'm running dry. i want to give out of fullness, not emptiness, and only a fullness that can come from You, not some silly routine that makes me feel better for a bit. Flood this place with Your grace.