as i speak my mind...

i'm becoming a horrible person.

as i speak my mind,

i'm becoming a horrible person.

this entire thing is poisoning me, ruining me

eating away at my soul.

it is making me a horrible person.

and i can keep lying to myself

justifying what i say and do by the pain she's caused

but ultimately it makes me no better than her.

and that's why i don't speak my mind.

b.c i know my heart is not right and my words are poison.

i can't express myself well

b.c what i want to express only hurts people.

i want to express myself

i need to express myself

but i'm realizing more and more how entirely futile my efforts really are. the harder i try to express myself the worse it gets. i'm trying to talk things out, work through them, but words only get me so far. my heart has to change and i want my heart to change b.c i can see how the poison in me is hindering my other relationships. but i don't know how.

i've talked it out.

i've even i think pretty much figured out the reason for the pain.

i'm praying about how to confront it

but the pain keeps reoccurring; it hasn't stopped. so i am healing from past ones but new ones keep being inflicted. i am fighting a losing battle. one i have no strength no wisdom nothing by which to even fight. 

meanwhile i feel like i'm becoming this horrible person. i just need to stop talking about it. i have to. i figured it out. now i need to let it go. and talking about it does not help me to let it go. 

Lord help me to keep my mouth shut and my brain off.

Turn on your spirit in mine and shut up my infantile logic.

Amen.