grieving

grieving seems to be the absolute theme surrounding my life right now.
because of lent and because of life.

Life has given me many causes to grieve--
and not a lot of time.

God has asked me to grieve--
and I have ignored Him
for years.

Until I made the commitment to be at camp this year.
I cried more this summer in front of people than I have--EVER.
I had a complete and utter breakdown and nothing could make it better.
the walls had begun crumbling.

Then I went to China...and came back...and shut down and out.
It was part of the process...but not a part I had anticipated.
I was clearly misunderstood in my grief.
I misunderstood myself.
I fear grief because I fear being misunderstood and I fear expressing it.
I know its there.
I acknowledge it.
I feel it.
I dwell in it.
But I do not always know how to express it.
People like to provide answers--but I don't need Job's friends. I have enough of them in my own head. I am learning how to silence them...inside and out.
I am learning how to ignore how other people handle their grief and focus on my own expression.
I am learning how to grieve in the deepest way possible--deep beyond despair into healing.
I am learning how to dwell in the pain--love the pain into healing.
I am learning how to silence the voices--silence the noise into peace.
I am learning....
but it ain't pretty.