Monday, March 2, 2009

hypocrite

whenever my stomach is bothering me (usually between the hours of 2 am and 6 am) i walk down to the dining hall and get some sprite. it has become a routine that i try to break b.c it frustrates me so much that my stomach bothers me all the time. i did it tonight at 10.30 pm figuring i would save myself the effort of having to go later when i'm awaken by my stomach plus i had this absolute frustration/suffocation/need to get out of the 'house'. it was ridiculously suffocating. i wanted to go to sleep. i've already taken my valerien and am quite ready to go to sleep except i am not at peace at all. and as i'm walking there God and i are having a conversation b.c that's the real reason i do this. i mean like the last couple of nights my stomach has really been upset/i've been sick but on many occasions its not because i'm sick...it's because my spirit is so uneasy in this place. that is so unbelievably hard for me to say. b.c if my spirit is uneasy that means that there is something wrong going on here and i've been thinking that it means i've picked the wrong thing to do with my life this year. to me it means that i'm in the wrong place and this entire year is a waste. to me it means that there is something wrong with me. and yes, there has been something wrong with me...lots of things wrong with me. but it's more than that. b.c no matter how much God and I battle back and forth about my personal walk and my own attitude and heart about life and the hand that has been dealt me, there is something else going on here. but its camp. it's Miracle Camp. It's the place where God lives. then why does it feel so empty? no that's wrong it's not empty b.c that implies that nothing is happening. no, it's negative energy that is at work...there's not just nothing going on...there's something working against us. but nobody else feels it. nobody else senses the absolute oppression that suffocates us day in and day out. nobody sees the emptiness that fills our daily lives in this mediocre existence. nobody sees the ridiculous things to which we run to hide our pain. nobody else sees the circles we run in day in and day out. these manufactured routines that make no sense. there's no purpose and its driving me crazy. everything i did in college had a purpose...it had to. i didn't have time for anything less and i loved it. now i waste half my day running in circles.
we do the same things over and over again
not b.c we love them.
not b.c we need them.
but b.c we are too afraid to do anything else.
we are too afraid to feel.
too afraid to love.
so we do the same things over and over again
so we tread in place, just keeping our heads afloat
not changing not moving forward
and we criticize. (constructively of course. b.c we're christian. i'm so tired of hearing the same old criticisms over and over again when we can't change a DAMN thing. correction: not can't, won't)
b.c we're bored.
b.c we think we can do better.
ultimately b.c we don't like ourselves so we point the finger elsewhere
instead we hide behind the smoke screens of our routines, our circles.
they hide how unhappy we really are.
and they don't change anything.
i just dont' get it.
i feel like i'm the only one that sees it and i can't sleep at night b.c of it. i'm trying to establish things here that change things but i'm drowning. i'm in over my head. i'm fighting a tide that isn't likely to turn any time soon. people are stuck in their ways. and its always personal.
damn those people who take everything personal.
i can't do it.
now that i can see it more clearly, i can say even more confidently...i can't do this.
i'm tired of working with people who can't see two inches past their own noses. and they are good people and they care about each other. but they have no interest in becoming a team. they have no interest in cooperation and especially not creativity.
why?
b.c their routines are a smokescreen for how unhappy they are, how much they don't like themselves.
and i should replace that they with we and their with our. i've become one of them.
God, that is so frustrating to say.
i don't like myself. i've been giving lectures on liking yourself for years and i realize my routines are a smokescreen for me not liking myself. why don't i like myself?
b.c i can't be myself. who's fault is that? well that's still up for grabs.
the demons have been let out of their cages.

I DON'T LIKE MYSELF
what a hypocrite.

God I see the way these people live their lives. They're Christians, but your saving grace is not a reality to them. and b.c of that, grace is not extended to others. I'm in a desert and I'm running dry. i want to give out of fullness, not emptiness, and only a fullness that can come from You, not some silly routine that makes me feel better for a bit. Flood this place with Your grace.

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