I'm sitting the desk yet again...second weekend in a row.

And I spent an hour last night yet again indulging my digestive tract's cramping.

And my head is pounding yet again from a sinus infection that just won't go away.

I hope I never take being healthy/feeling well for granted after this year.

I've almost gotten used to feeling subpar. It's depressing.

But it can't go on forever right? Either its gotta get better b.c of everything that I'm trying to fix my body or its gotta get worse. If it gets worse, I go to the doctor b.c I don't know how much longer I can take this. God has been using my body to teach me that I can't fix anything, I'm not in control and there's not always a simple logical reason for why I feel the way I do. Maybe I really am lactose intolerant or maybe my body is just on the blitz. Maybe my sinuses do make my motion sickness a hundred times worse or maybe I just can't take mobility for granted. Either way I am finally reaching a point where I can accept/ignore it so that it doesn't keep me from doing things. Unlike earlier this year when I felt like the world was ending every time I felt ill....which was a.b every couple of weeks. That means my stability factor in life is going up....which is good. And I think I am finding solutions slowly but surely. I don't know if I can counsel if it doesn't get better. I physically would not have been able to handle being with kids--or anybody for that matter, all the time this year. It really will not be of my own strength that is for sure.

It's as if my body has spent the year physically crashing from all the time I pushed it too far during high school and college and ignored what it needed--healthy food, exercise, sleep, rest in general. It all caught up with me in the last eight months. Now I pray by May it will have recovered enough to be of use this summer. It will definitely change my pace. thinking about pace..

Yesterday my starbucks cup (a grandevanillasoylatte...now i really sound like a high maintenance city chick) had a quote about how commitment, contrary to popular belief, frees us instead of enslaves us--frees us to do things wholeheartedly without reserve, without fear b.c we have made up our mind, we have chosen something, and in choosing it, we no longer have this assortment of options to expend our time and energies trying to balance. It's committing to something, flaws and all, and getting something done instead of spending that same energy evaluating and critiquing all the options but not actually doing any of them. I just wrote this whole big long theory thing and realized while its true its not really the heart of the matter. 

I've been spending most of this year detached, evaluating/critiquing myself more than anyone else. I'm the kind of person that especially in the last couple of years has found great joy and freedom in committing to things wholeheartedly. That's why I love camp, because it gave me a place I really could commit to something wholeheartedly and go in with reckless abandon. I thought this year would be even moreso b.c I'm at one place and involved in one thing but its not. It's been good for me to evaluate myself and rethink everything about myself but I'm tired of it and I'm tired of the same attitude pervading everyone else about camp. This detached critical attitude among the full time staff at camp is discouraging. My friends at college weren't even this bad. Denise is the only person who would undoubtably puts the greater good above her own agenda...when she understands the greater good. She's new so she's not jaded but that also means she also doesn't understand the big picture very well yet. She just doesn't know but she wants to. The others don't care. They don't want to know. It's self-preservation but its self-preservation b.c they don't trust that God will provide. But that's not logical of course. Logic says if I don't cover my ass, somebody's gonna get me. Faith says if I don't cover my ass, then God is gonna get me. wouldn't you rather have God get you than even yourself? or do you not trust him? do you think you can do better than He does? Faith isn't counting how many times I've had to do this for this person or that that person didn't do this for me that one time. That's logic. Faith/love holds no record of wrongs. Faith trusts that God will take care of His children. I'm talking to myself more than anybody else right now.

I graduated college exhausted but the best kind of exhausted. The exhausted that said that I gave it my all and I can walk away knowing I made the most of every opportunity. This year I've learned a ton about myself and my relationship with God has deepened greatly b.c of this resistance, this self-preservation all around me, not b.c of people challenging me to grow. b.c of the negative, not b.c of the positive. i'm tired of doing this half ass myself. i'm tired of my ego keeping me from giving wholeheartedly. i'm tired of my insecurity destroying my confidence in my abilities. i'm tired of being afraid. and i'm still exhausted. it's not as if protecting myself has made me any less exhausted than i was during college. and i'm not anywhere near as satisfied. we're all afraid of burnout but we're burnt out not b.c we gave wholeheartedly but b.c we've tried to protect ourselves; b.c we didn't give out of God but out of ourselves; b.c we didn't trust that God would really provide if we served Him with all that we had...like He has asked us to.