i'm going to try to avoid stereotyping in this blog...but i think it will be slightly inevitable and you know sometimes stereotypes are true. most things are true in some circumstance...however random. excuse the abruptness/lack of transitions.
this weekend is women's retreat--and it defines everything that is wrong with the current church culture--and my life.
this entire week was a fiasco of planning/organizing/correcting/fixing/changing/hanging on by a thread. i had two choices. i could care and freak out trying to make everything happen OR i could check out. i chose the first. what did the other interns choose? the second. is this unusual? no.
i sat in on the first session last night after staying up til 4:30 am the previous night hanging out with my roommate who is everything that i love about life. she is everything that i became during college and brings out the person that i love in myself. she cares about life. she's not afraid to be passionate about something. BUT it doesn't freak her out. she's my stability, my heart, my soul. We could live together for the rest of our lives. we could do anything--conquer the world.
maybe out in the real world it wouldn't be true.
maybe living together in the real world would destroy our relationship-
maybe that's why i'm afraid of committing to living with her next year.
maybe i'm supposed to move beyond that.
if this year is moving beyond that, then i don't want to move beyond that.
i had to leave her this year b.c we are each other's stability. i needed to learn how important that stability is in my life...whether it comes from her or not.
The women that attend this retreat are the typical middle age middle class overweight woman or the younger set that are heading that direction. My absolute greatest fear in life is becoming this very kind of person. All other fears are surface things that i could get over if put in an extreme enough situation.
i fear mediocrity.
very few women who came on this retreat would be ones that i would be friends with in real life. they are the ones that share one experience with you and expect you to be the greatest of friends. solid stable friendships take time...that's something i've been trying to teach the girls i live with.
i fear conformity.
i thought in working at camp i would be setting myself against the grain, would be setting myself apart. forcing myself out of the chaotic mainstream of society into rest, peace, God's way. Instead i've found if this is what setting apart is i don't want to be set apart. i want to be in the middle of the chaos...the mainstream of society...the messy passionate glorious secular world. those are the people i can relate to...people that i find fascinating...people that i can really learn from...people that teach me to define myself instead of being defined by others. people who don't feel the need to hold it together..to be perfect. people who do what they love...not what they feel obligated to do. why do i want to be a part of that world instead of the middle class christian world? b.c i am too closely linked. it makes me fear conformity to the point of rebellion instead of doing things purely for their intrinsic value whether they are part of the mainstream or not.
i want real.
i want messy.
i want pain.
i want passion.
i want laughter.
i don't want needy.
i don't want control.
i don't want perfection.
i don't want insecurity.
i don't want pride.
i don't want shame.
i don't want cynicism.
i want real.
i want to love.
i want to breathe.
i want to feel.
i want to be free.
and i ask for the impossible, don't i?
but that's what we are created for.
That is the Creator.
With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible.
The truth will set us free.
everyone has their ideas of what i should do with my life
to whom much has been given much is expected.
that is how i feel about my set of talents. i have been given much.
make the most of every opportunity for the days are evil
i use my talents in the current situation in every opportunity possible
do not just go the one mile but walk with him two
i go the extra mile b.c i can clearly see it...others don't see it..i have been burdened
come to me all who are weary and heavy ladened and i will give you rest for my yolk is easy and my burden is light
why am i so tired?
why do i see all of these women who take care of everything coming to a retreat like this and they are so exhausted?
i don't want to join their masses.
work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord not for men.
but i want to work at it with all my heart...i have found the satisfaction of giving it all to the Lord and there is nothing greater. why has this year been so different?
for the things i do not want to do i do and the things i ought i do not do
there is a war waging within the members of my body
when will the war stop?
i am bombarded on every side
the Lord is my refuge in time of trouble, a mighty fortress
i do not want to blame any one party.
search me Lord and know my heart. see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
i become so increasingly aware of what an awful person i am in my own right. i am so weak yet i am too strong for my own good.
in my weakness You are strong
a broken and contrite heart You desire
i want to turn my brain off...i want to follow the Spirit.
the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
thats why you live with TWO sarahs! you need a sarah buffer! lolol. i love you!
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