I digress

I use the word rambling all the time so I looked up a new word in the thesaurus for my tangential stream of conscious thinking--hence digress.

I've been on this kick lately of looking up everything on the internet or wherever to find the information. I've always been curious about things but never have the time to really look things up. I'd rather know something for myself not have someone else give me the information because usually there is a bias that comes with it. But I hardly ever have the time to research things....until now :) i digress.
Chicago always makes it difficult for me to return to the camp world. i miss the city but i also found it suffocating at first this time. the country is beginning to wear off on me. i don't mind being here but i really just want to find my place, wherever that is and as much as camp people say they want me here, i kind of feel overlooked. i'll be honest i don't mind slipping into the background sometimes. i don't mind just doing things, not being in charge or leading. But its not natural for me in the end. i hold so much back here in order not to run people over or impose myself. its not my place. i'm too young. i don't really know anything in some ways. but i do in other ways. there's just so much of me that lays beneath the surface here in this atmosphere. its a silly thing but i'm pretty sure no one here knows next tuesday is my birthday. it took several weeks for my complaints about the skunk smell in my house to be taken seriously. no one really knows how much i work b.c its for different people. again sometimes i love flying below the radar but i also don't feel taken very seriously. yes i should speak up sometimes, but i'm not looking for attention. i ache to really contribute and not just fill the cracks. i mean i am an excellent crack filler (as i told my sister this weekend :) but when you're filling cracks, you're doing everybody else's odds and ends that they can't get to and none of your own stuff. I am truly learning how to follow.