why am i still awake?

It's about to begin, the absolute madness that is.
And while I hate being idle, I'm not really sure I'm ready for this.
The people I work with are consumed with what they do. It's funny because it would seem that people working in nonprofit government programs would have a better grasp on how to have a life, but actually I think its worse than any workaholic in NYC. The mentality of working one's ass off to get ahead still pervades the nonprofit sector. And its not in a I want to climb the ladder, get a promotion sort of mentality. Its just a I don't know how to live life any differently sort of a mentality. Welcome to my world.
And as responsibilities are starting to head my direction, I find myself realizing maybe I don't really want this. Maybe I'm not cut out for working one's ass off. I mean I know I am. I've done it many times before. I can be a leader. I can take charge. I can get things done, let me tell you. But I'm really not sure I want to anymore. There's always a part of me that has watched those in leadership over me and calculated ok how would I have done that differently? What could be done better? picturing myself in the role. But here, I find myself going, man I would never want to be in her (my supervisor's) position. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in charge. It makes me reflect on my life wondering why in God's name did I ever think I could take charge of things? Or even moreso that I would WANT to take charge of things? Who in the world would ever willing subject themselves to such pressure and confinement and torture?
So I reflect on the prayer I prayed over and over again last year as I struggled to reign my big fat ego into submission. I prayed that I would no longer desire to compete, to rule over others, to posses power. Well folks it seems as if I've arrived. But I think I've gone in the opposite direction almost. Now I don't care. I don't care about getting ahead or planning things or leading things or even just improving things. Now I just want to hang out with people. Love em.
Or maybe I've just gotten so used to be relegated to the back corner that its going to take me awhile to get it back.