Serendipitous

I got lost on the way home from work today. Royally lost.
And I don't get lost. I hate getting lost.
More importantly I hate wasting the gas.

I bought a magnetic key box for under my car today. About time.
I hate locking myself out. I hate how change makes me do beserk things like that.

That morning I locked myself out I should've been applying for a job at this very ideal location with the perfect need--a few blocks between both places where I work in a unique, well done coffeeshop that shares shop with a framer and art supplier for a morning shift as a barista. Instead I went later, after orientation, and frazzled as can be, waited to introduce myself until after the owner had left. Unknowingly, of course.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times such events have occurred in my life. Everything from minute details to huge life decisions. So much of it is completely out of my control. And usually when I feel as if I made a decision or handled a situation well within my control, I feel trapped. But when life goes well and its clearly not been within my control, I find peace.

My housemate and I just finished watching the movie Serendipity, which ironically, is not about what the word actually means. To be serendipitous is to call events in life fortunate accidents along the way. However, the movie strongly portrays belief in a fate that directs and guides us through life to achieve our destiny; in this case, a romantic relationship.

My attitude towards such events as locking my keys in my car or finding a job is one of fate; though as a Christian we would call it something else, perhaps the Holy Spirit or even predestination. It seems to be a developing pattern in my life that while I often know exactly what I want, my timing is horribly horribly wrong. I will push and shove with all my might to bring something about and must ram my head into a brick wall repeatedly before finally receiving the message that well, it just isn't meant to happen. That's not to mean I couldn't still make it happen. I've done that before, trust me, but with many many consequences. I have learned to perceive when the Universe just isn't pulling for something to happen. The coffeeshop job is the perfect example. I didn't have time because of locking my keys in my car to drop in when I said I would and when I finally did, I missed the manager, by a hair. That's not to say I'm not going to get a job in a coffee house some day, even an art coffee house or maybe even at this particular one eventually. But the timing on that particular day was horribly off. For a good reason, unbeknownst to myself but very clear to my Heavenly Father.

But you know what's funny? I think the one part of my life that I tend to think of more serendipitously than guided by the Holy Spirit is relationships--the one thing the movie focused upon as being guided by fate. I want to believe they are guided by fate, a destiny buried deep within the ancient core of the earth that works against impossible odds to bring people together. I want to believe that there is a connection between two individuals upon this planet that cannot be replicated with any other individual. I want to believe in soulmates. I don't think there is another thing on this planet that I want to believe so desperately but can't quite bring myself to do it. I believe in God and who He is and what He has done for me. I still have doubts. I still struggle but my life revolves around Him. I believe that I will become all that I want to be and so much more. I believe that God has some very specific things He wants me to accomplish. I believe He has specific people He wants to connect with my life; some only for a time; some for life. I believe that He will give me my dreams and so much more. I believe He is in control. But i can't believe in a soulmate, especially for myself.
This concept of soulmate seems to be so deeply woven into the very fabric of our being. Why else does every movie that wants to be successful have to include a romantic storyline? Why else do all those trashy romance novels sell? Why do people still seek out relationships over and over again despite the divorce rates and the constant abuse and the absolute failure of mankind? But what does that matter? It doesn't answer the question why do I still have this underlying desire for someone to share my life with, and not just anyone but the one. Why do I still long to believe that such a thing as a soulmate exists for me even though the very term has been severely abused personally in my own life?
Why?
It is something that runs far deeper than many of my other dreams and yet it is the one that I cannot bring myself to believe really exists.