Perfectionism

You know I have no idea how many people out here now have my information....people I don't even know! Pretty much every Starbucks in the area does and now I'm starting other random classifieds and craigslist postings. Hopefully nobody's a creeper out there and going to use that information against me. oh well.
I actually sat down today and drew for the first time in quite awhile. Still life and all. Granted the still life is made up of liquor bottles and a shot glass. But what can I say? I used what was readily available and bottles always look cool :) (the previous roommate apparently was slightly notorious for her liquor buying. we have i think 5 different bottles of magarita mix. hey i'm not gonna complain. though not nearly enough tequila left to use with it. shucks)
i'm reading bird by bird by anne lamott-a favorite author of mine. its her take on the creative process...a coaching of writers specifically but applicable towards any creative field. I love reading books by writers describing the creative process and giving advice on how to do it better. You know I wish visual artists or musicians wrote books about their creative processes but I guess we wouldn't be as likely to do that. Anyways with the major upheaval of my life lately I have been in a creative stall. Actually I would say more that all of my creative juices have been spent on the logistics of moving and finding a job and all that jazz. But reading this book inspires me to get back in the groove. And more than that, to really develop a groove that will last beyond a particular living circumstance or job or location. For example, I have successfully developed the habit of doodling on just about anything when a pen is readily available, including myself. But I need to take it further than that. I need to develop a compulsive need to put something down on paper or canvas every day, like I need my coffee every morning and my morning just doesn't feel complete without it. (which I haven't had since moving here. i can't quite bring myself to spend the money on the french press but i would really be a much happier person if i would. i miss my morning coffee.)
one chapter in the book absolutely screamed at me to be read 'perfectionism'
A few quotes:
'Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.
Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived.
Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breath and move.
Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow (inadvertently I'm sure) forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.'
Now it is an absolute miracle that I am a creative person at all considering the environment that I grew up in. My parents are extremely neat folks--both of them in completely different ways. That means that my entire childhood was clean and neat. You know thinking back I really have no idea why I wanted to be an artist. I don't remember a specific event or a time that I drew or painted something and just absolutely fell in love with the creative process. But I know I always wanted to be an artist, and its been a constant uphill battle against this perfectionism that has been drilled into the very core of my being. It is not who I am, though I try so very hard to make it so. It suffocates me. I do things thoroughly and completely but I'd much rather have someone else do it for me. I am capable of it because I was raised to be that way but it is not who I am. However, in any changing, uncertain circumstances, it is my fallback. Perfectionism is how I deal with uncertainty. Now this time its not near as bad as last year, which I guess is a good sign. Maybe if I transition enough I'll learn how to deal with major upheaval without the perfectionism.
And the perfectionism comes out in a funny way. I guess it is because it's not who I am as much as a product of the circumstances I was raised in. Even in uncertain circumstances, I don't personally feel the need to have everything under control. That's why I can travel alone. Actually that's why I prefer to travel alone. I don't care if I mess it up. I don't care if I get everything wrong. Sure I'll be frustrated but there's no pressure from outside forces to keep it together. I'm not letting anyone down but myself and myself doesn't really care. But when there are other people around that are affected by my transitioning, that's when I feel the perfectionism kick in. I resort back to a similar tactic as I did with my parents when I was little. Pressure to not disturb the "peace" of the other people around me in my transition.
I'm aware I'm messy in more ways than one. But I am also stability for a lot of people because I generally keep that messiness to myself. And I have been burned enough times from experiences where people didn't like it when my 'messiness' affected them personally to feel that pressure to not disturb the "peace". For example moving in with two girls I don't know who have lived here for awhile before me as well as one of my best friends who is pretty particular about how she does stuff. I don't want to disturb the way they do life with my messiness but i realize as i'm reading this chapter on perfectionism, guess what? i'm messy. i like things clean but i have clutter. i'm not super organized. i leave things out. i'm moody. i'm random, sporadic. i don't do things in routine and i don't really care if others are like that or if they are organized and particular. i don't care, but others do. and because of this perfectionism i care that they care. until i get too crazy busy to care. then i'm able to forget that my messiness might offend people and i'm just my crazy messy all over the place self.
it just takes awhile for me to get there.