Only time will tell

I wandered around NYC for my first time yesterday. It seems smaller than what I expected. Maybe because I've been to China, particularly Shanghai...everything's bigger in China. But it was nice to be in a city and to know that access is so well, accessible. It's a 20 min train ride from where I work...I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of Friday afternoons/evenings doing that. If only I could find someone to do it with.
Walking around watching people go by, there's still some part of me that really wanted to be a part of this lifestyle. But interestingly not as much of me as in the past. And if I do ever get a chance to live in NYC, I don't want an awesome loft with a high paying job...I wanta live off the beaten path. It's the absolute commercialization of it all that drives me crazy. I thought I'd like Chicago less after visiting NYC but actually I think I like it more. It's just going to take awhile for me to find the unique places and things to do.
The end of this week finds me weary- weary beyond belief. I wonder if it will always be like this but of course it won't. The first week is always the hardest. Not only because its my first week, but because I went through orientation AND I continued to look for a second job AND I performed a number of stupid things like getting lost, locking my keys in my car while running, locking myself out of the house. You name it. I did it. I wasn't flustered about orientation or about working with the kids. Its like all my nervousness and flusteredness comes out in those forgetful ways. It's awfully exhausting. But its more than that. It goes deeper.
I'm aware of what I've chosen to do for this year. And it's not a choice I am willing to go back on. I do firmly believe this is where God has me for this next year. But I see quite fully what this will require of me and I'm not sure I have it. As a matter of fact, I know I don't. It's not that I don't have the skills. I do. I've dealt with this stuff before. Nothing feels unfamiliar...actually it feels all too familiar, a sort of deja vu. But something deep within me sighs. I don't want to give this much of myself all over again. I understand better and better why people stay in the same place for 25, even 30 years without a thought to moving.
I itch for change. I crave craziness in life. I hunger to live life to the absolute fullest. But I tasted that community and connection that develops among those who choose to not only do church together but also live life together and a key ingredient is time. Frequency and length of time. Neither of which I seem to have much of in my life right now. Only time will tell.