job searching..

i began really looking at jobs today....
i've done it before but mostly just dreaming. today i actually filled out some applications.
and i have some more that i will do tomorrow. and i actually found a place that i want to check out, that i really want to work out. but i'm afraid to hope too much in case it isn't all that i expected.
i'm trying to figure out why i'm leaving camp. i mean i know the year was tough for a number of reasons but i also grew from it immeasurably as a person and as i begin the job search, i get so easily distracted by various ideas and brainstorms that i lose direction in the thicket of possibilities. and the thicket makes me realize how absolutely clueless i really am...not because i don't want anything but the exact opposite- because i want everything.
i want everything and yet i'm so keenly aware i am not ready for it.
i don't know anything. really honestly and truly, for all my knowledge and love of it, i know nothing. i am a dandelion puff blown to and fro by every catching fancy, scattered in a million directions. my God how my emotions and fancies control me. how is one to decipher what one should really do with your life when it changes with every passing second? will it ever make sense?
i went to college to figure out who i am...and i did....and there seems to be too much to me to be encompassed by any one thing. i can't move somewhere because of a job. it won't be enough and i can't move somewhere because of people. they won't be enough. those two things i have learned. so why else do you move somewhere? why else do we move on? because of God?
i've struggled in and out all year with this confliction of need and doubt. i need a God who is concerned with the details, who is intimately involved in my life. i desire Someone who knows me better than myself because i am such an outright mess and because no one else really gets all of me. [its kind of impossible. i don't even get all of me.] this desire to be known consumed so much of my being this year because it was so unfulfilled. i realized how much i had taken for granted those who knew me before and that i placed too much expectation on those who were with me at the time. more than anything i didn't understand me. i longed for someone who could see through all the crap to the core of my being, the core i was trying to hide even from myself, and tell me i was gonna be ok, that i hadn't made an awful mistake, and that while i felt so horribly trapped at the time, i would find freedom again. the darkness that surrounded me battled daily to drown out a God who promises to know my inner self, who promises to take care of the details. but Light has come.
i have found Freedom and while it also leaves a great deal of space for fear, Faith fills in the gaps. and it is the Faith that i am learning to lean on- the Faith that, when the thicket threatens to drown out my dreams, strengthens them even more. the Faith that speaks the dreams to my heart continually, long after the job search has subsided and my head and heart has cleared. the Faith that, admist my emotions and fancies scattering in a million directions, stands strong. and i am learning to listen to that Faith. and while it seems quite impossible that a God so huge could be concerned with someone so small as myself and with such a will of my own, i am learning to rest in the knowledge that He who created me to be so intimately known satisfies that desire in Himself and in doing so, concerns Himself with the details because i am the details.