I have packed and moved my stuff yet again.
not far...about 500 feet-
but each time it means sorting and throwing away-
another act of processing my life.
and while i leave for a week the place i have finally come to be reasonably comfortable in (as frustrating as it is) will be transformed into summer.
and i'm not ready.
hopefully this week away will bring the transition but in reality all i want is to spend the summer in a hole. i have expended so much energy this year to bring myself into reasonable terms with all of those around me that i have none left for this summer.
no one has been putting energy into me.
hopefully this summer brings a few friends who can pour into me as much as i pour into them.
it has been a good year--a learning year--
but it has not provided me with much strength.
for the first time last night in a looooong time (minus a few rare occurrences outside of camp)
i didn't spend my time calculating how long i was spending with someone.
and i felt comfortable to just be.
now i'm afraid once summer begins that won't be true anymore.
in actuality it probably will occur more but i don't have much faith right now.
someday.....
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