sometimes life throws us curve balls.
sometimes they're bad.
and sometimes they're good.
but either way they're still curve balls.
and they often leave us reeling.

overwhelmed.
and single.

i am overwhelmed.
and i am single.

something in this whole apartment thing has really brought out both. it's not that there aren't people helping me. it's not that i feel lonely. or even alone. i just feel overwhelmed by the details. and single in how i am dealing with them.

you know it's all well and good to be a strong independent woman when the details of life don't overwhelm you. but it's the details that make me realize i don't really want to be like this forever. i don't want to have to figure out my electric bill on my own...or how to set up my internet....or why my water heater isn't working.....or how i'm going to pay my bills....or setting up my place....by myself. i'm over it. if this is what it means to be independent, well i don't want it anymore. i don't want to take care of all of these things by myself for the rest of my life.

it's been debatable even in this week whether i actually think i can even get married. let alone have the right guy come along at the right time and actually have both of us do and say what we need to say to make it work. but today it hit me. and it hit hard.
it has to happen.
because i don't want to do it by myself.

it's not a question of capability.
i know i'm capable.
it's a question of desire.
i do not want to move again alone.
i do not want to live the rest of my life alone.
there God i said it.

it's still hard for me to imagine being married.....
but i definitely know that i don't want to be alone forever.
so i guess that means i want marriage.
i want someone to talk things out with. i want someone to help me with the details. i want someone to take care of me. i want to take care of someone. i want to love and be loved.
is that too much to ask?

i think i've hit a wall.

and it's a wall i'm not sure i've hit before.

i am tired of taking in.

i'm tired of tolerating.

i'm tired of 'being nice'.

i'm tired of listening.

i'm tired of bullshit.

i'm tired of being courteous.

i'm tired of giving in to others.

i'm tired of conforming.

i'm tired of holding myself back.

this is who i am.

this is who God is making me to be.

i want to rejoice in that.

i want to be strong in that.

i want to be free.

i AM free.

and i'm tired of tiptoeing around like i'm not.

that means i'm going to offend people.

i'm going to frustrate them.

i'm going to make them mad.

i'm going to annoy them.

but i can't hold it back anymore.

take it or leave it.

that's what it is.

and i'm not sorry for it.

but it's not in a rebellious fashion. just more of a the gloves are off, this is real sort of way. i wanta proclaim truth--about God, about me, about life. i want people to understand where i come from. i want people to get it. something has snapped. i'm tired of the old ways. i've tasted the power that we've been given and i want to do more, i want to use it to the full. i want to live life to the full. because God is. and He has made me who i am and i LIKE me! amen.

this is totally random but i just put another book on the shelf about marriage...and i just got really frustrated b.c its talking about all the hard things about marriage/not being prepared, etc. i feel like that's what i've been hearing from a lot of people. i wish someone would right a book about the good things of marriage, the joys. i know i know most of our culture doesn't get that its not like a fairy tale. but another huge chunk of our culture in response to the 'you need to be prepared/its a lot harder than you expect' is just saying well then let's not get married. it isn't worth it. can someone please tell me why it's worth getting married?! because i don't know what the reasons are. no one ever tells me. and if its so damn hard why in the world did God make it sound so joyful in genesis?? there has to be something about it that makes it worth doing.

there's something about space that i am learning.
not physical space, of which i have greatly lacked in the past.
but mental/emotional space.

there's something about a person who doesn't give space that causes me to clench on the inside. i wonder if its something connected to maturity--or personality. that they always must make themselves known. why? why do you need to make yourself known?
if i'm not answering, shouldn't that be enough of a clue?

it's rooted in something much deeper than just the words.
and it's something i've encountered before. a lot.
b.c my openness lends me to be taken advantage of, in this respect.

the need to be known is in all of us.
it is meant to drive us to our Creator, the only one who can truly know us.
when that need is not fulfilled in Him, we take from others in desperation.
those who are more open and honest in their desperation make us cringe. because we think we're better than them, and yet it is the very things that we hate in others that we truly hate in ourselves. their desperation is a mirror for our own souls. and we shirk back, appalled.

i've been getting more annoyed lately with people. some has to do with my level of exhaustion. but more it has to do with the mirror that is being held in my face persistently as i let people in my life. see the thing is...when you've lived alone and worked a job that largely puts you around children...you forget how messy adults are. we're really all children on the inside, but its those of us who refuse to acknowledge this that makes life difficult for the rest of us. because in refusing to acknowledge, we put on layers, hiding who we really are instead of being honest.

why can't we just be honest? with each other as much as with ourselves.

i'm feeling poisoned by facebook.

and tv/netflix.

and my cell phone.

and email.

yesterday i forgot my cell at home.

and i felt naked-

for awhile.

then i got over it.

it disgusts me.

i desire what is real-

even in the small things.

paper and pen.

face to face.

active engagement instead of passive consumption.

out in the middle of nowhere with no television, hardly any cell phone reception, and poor wifi, i was free.

and now i'm enslaved.

more so than i've ever been before.

i balk at my ability to assimilate.

my desire to be connected resulting in hours on facebook.

what a waste.

as i type this-

on my blog.

need to break free.

to be real again.

to taste life without this ever increasing addiction to know others through false means.

why in the world do i ever need to know what an acquaintance did today?

what a waste of my brain.

to mindlessly entertain myself.

why in the world can't i sit down and read? or paint? or anything besides electronic media!?

what a waste of my time.

i'm filled with information i don't need. entertainment i did nothing to gain.

a life that frustrates instead of fulfills.

Jesus, set me free.

life has caught up with me.

and i haven't much to write about.

correction: i haven't much energy to write with.

but my life hasn't been this calm in quite awhile.

i think i'm still recovering from the last year or so.

i still marvel that i don't arrive home completely exhausted and drained every night.

i'm transitioning out of survival mode.

and entering people mode.

which is actually just as draining but in a different way.

i'm not used to having people this involved in my life.

it's been awhile. actually i'm not sure when it's ever been to this extent.

i've always had 'other' things to do to serve as a buffer.

this job doesn't really serve as a buffer at all.

as a matter of fact it puts me right in the middle of it even more.

i've found myself becoming more cynical already. less grateful.

i've no doubt God has me where i am for a very good reason. but it's not really about my job at all. and that's fine. it doesn't need to be. but it does mean i have to be much more conscious about my attitude towards my job. and watch my tongue. check my attitude.

i can't decide if my lack of motivation in certain areas such as my living situation post-June and my future education are because i'm becoming lazy or just letting down my guard. either way, i'm not feeling it. though i am getting a bit more concerned about the living situation as the drive becomes more and more tedious.

this is my life now. a stable job. a stable living situation. people involved in my life.

a year ago i never would've imagined it turning out like this.

is it egotistical of me to enjoy reading my own blog?

it's got to be.

oh well.

it's funny how as i'm writing something, it feels like it makes no sense whatsoever. my thoughts are jumping all over the place and i struggle to decipher which ones make the cut and which ones don't. but then when i go back and read it a day or two, or especially a month later, a thought process emerges from the jumble of words on the screen that is fluid and clear. God reminds/teaches me something more through my own words.

the last two days have been ones of intensive cleaning/organizing at work--an excellent reprieve from all of the social running arounds of last week. but i think i'm setting myself up for failure. i can only organize like this when i have something on my mind/been too social. pretty soon i'm going to run out of steam.

i was challenged today by a small but mighty book--the pursuit of God by a.w. tozer.

he delved deep into abraham's story and his love for his son isaac. how God had to extract his love for isaac from the throne of his heart. tozer does a phenomenal job of describing the emotional rending of abraham's heart and then the redemption. abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything.

and it brought me back to my own idols. one in particular that i'd pretty much given up for lost a long, long time ago. but people's questions in the last few days made me wonder why i'd stopped considering it. i had a couple of people ask about my desire for children, commenting on how good i am with them. i honestly had to stop and think.

i mean, i love kids. love kids. more and more.

but i couldn't remember the last time i'd truly contemplated having my own. not just as a joke or a random comment, but really dwelt on the thought of having my own children. that stumped me.

until i was cleaning. ah. ha.

it was connected to something else. a cause to explain the effect. that cause goes all the way back to high school and my very first boyfriend. the boyfriend that became the idol of my heart. he came between me and my God--more than once. many, many times. and his cheating on me and my own blatant desire to be desired drove me into another unhealthy relationship immediately following it. and after that relationship ended, i assumed my chances were up. even more than that, i didn't want to touch another serious relationship with a hundred foot pole for fear of him coming between me and my God yet again.

i didn't trust myself. i knew my heart all too well.

so i flirted. i flit. i never landed. and i became like abraham as he wrestled with God the night before isaac's sacrifice. abraham reconciled what God was asking of him with the rationale that He would raise isaac from the dead. as i've wrestled with God about my desire for a relationship and a family, because i have not been able to see how in the world He could ever trust me to give it to me, i have trusted that He would fulfill it in Himself and through other means--working with children, living with friends, etc. but God did not raise isaac from the dead. He didn't even go so far as to have abraham strike him, and yet the purpose was accomplished. abraham's heart was God's throne yet again.

and He has slowly been doing the same for me as well. while He removed the possibility/even the desire for a time to ensure that my heart is His throne, He is asking me to allow that possibility, that dream back in again.

He is restoring for He will do mighty things. And while i don't necessarily trust myself, how can i not trust Him?