sometimes life throws us curve balls.
sometimes they're bad.
and sometimes they're good.
but either way they're still curve balls.
and they often leave us reeling.

overwhelmed.
and single.

i am overwhelmed.
and i am single.

something in this whole apartment thing has really brought out both. it's not that there aren't people helping me. it's not that i feel lonely. or even alone. i just feel overwhelmed by the details. and single in how i am dealing with them.

you know it's all well and good to be a strong independent woman when the details of life don't overwhelm you. but it's the details that make me realize i don't really want to be like this forever. i don't want to have to figure out my electric bill on my own...or how to set up my internet....or why my water heater isn't working.....or how i'm going to pay my bills....or setting up my place....by myself. i'm over it. if this is what it means to be independent, well i don't want it anymore. i don't want to take care of all of these things by myself for the rest of my life.

it's been debatable even in this week whether i actually think i can even get married. let alone have the right guy come along at the right time and actually have both of us do and say what we need to say to make it work. but today it hit me. and it hit hard.
it has to happen.
because i don't want to do it by myself.

it's not a question of capability.
i know i'm capable.
it's a question of desire.
i do not want to move again alone.
i do not want to live the rest of my life alone.
there God i said it.

it's still hard for me to imagine being married.....
but i definitely know that i don't want to be alone forever.
so i guess that means i want marriage.
i want someone to talk things out with. i want someone to help me with the details. i want someone to take care of me. i want to take care of someone. i want to love and be loved.
is that too much to ask?