it's got to be.
oh well.
it's funny how as i'm writing something, it feels like it makes no sense whatsoever. my thoughts are jumping all over the place and i struggle to decipher which ones make the cut and which ones don't. but then when i go back and read it a day or two, or especially a month later, a thought process emerges from the jumble of words on the screen that is fluid and clear. God reminds/teaches me something more through my own words.
the last two days have been ones of intensive cleaning/organizing at work--an excellent reprieve from all of the social running arounds of last week. but i think i'm setting myself up for failure. i can only organize like this when i have something on my mind/been too social. pretty soon i'm going to run out of steam.
i was challenged today by a small but mighty book--the pursuit of God by a.w. tozer.
he delved deep into abraham's story and his love for his son isaac. how God had to extract his love for isaac from the throne of his heart. tozer does a phenomenal job of describing the emotional rending of abraham's heart and then the redemption. abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything.
and it brought me back to my own idols. one in particular that i'd pretty much given up for lost a long, long time ago. but people's questions in the last few days made me wonder why i'd stopped considering it. i had a couple of people ask about my desire for children, commenting on how good i am with them. i honestly had to stop and think.
i mean, i love kids. love kids. more and more.
but i couldn't remember the last time i'd truly contemplated having my own. not just as a joke or a random comment, but really dwelt on the thought of having my own children. that stumped me.
until i was cleaning. ah. ha.
it was connected to something else. a cause to explain the effect. that cause goes all the way back to high school and my very first boyfriend. the boyfriend that became the idol of my heart. he came between me and my God--more than once. many, many times. and his cheating on me and my own blatant desire to be desired drove me into another unhealthy relationship immediately following it. and after that relationship ended, i assumed my chances were up. even more than that, i didn't want to touch another serious relationship with a hundred foot pole for fear of him coming between me and my God yet again.
i didn't trust myself. i knew my heart all too well.
so i flirted. i flit. i never landed. and i became like abraham as he wrestled with God the night before isaac's sacrifice. abraham reconciled what God was asking of him with the rationale that He would raise isaac from the dead. as i've wrestled with God about my desire for a relationship and a family, because i have not been able to see how in the world He could ever trust me to give it to me, i have trusted that He would fulfill it in Himself and through other means--working with children, living with friends, etc. but God did not raise isaac from the dead. He didn't even go so far as to have abraham strike him, and yet the purpose was accomplished. abraham's heart was God's throne yet again.
and He has slowly been doing the same for me as well. while He removed the possibility/even the desire for a time to ensure that my heart is His throne, He is asking me to allow that possibility, that dream back in again.
He is restoring for He will do mighty things. And while i don't necessarily trust myself, how can i not trust Him?
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