a funny feeling has settled into my chest in the last few days.
or maybe it's been there for awhile. it's just becoming undeniable at this point.
it is something unsettling, uneasy, that makes me want to avoid being alone with myself. though i know that's really what i need to do.

it has something to do with the time of year. this was the first holiday with my family where we repeated activities in our new location. this was the first time i spent my new year's somewhere other than miracle camp in 5 years. it has something to do with recent beginnings. i'm beginning a job that could have no end if i choose that. ha. it's the first time in over a year that i have an itch to go somewhere, to travel.

i am beginning to feel the shift my life has taken. and how absolutely real it is. and i am not the same. and i can't go back. i have reached the point of no return. i, in actuality, crossed it months ago when i began to seriously consider jobs in new jersey with that initial visit to new city kids. when i parked that car, after dealing with the flat tire, on that street in jersey city and walked in those doors, i began a process that i had no idea of the implications.

and now i am here. with a job that suits me very well for the time being in a town that is beyond my wildest dreams. i have more to do, more people to love than i could ever dream of. i could not picture a better fit for my life right now. but in that, i also sense the door closing behind me. a choice has been made and with that comes the knowledge of all the other options that can no longer be chosen. i can't go back to the way i lived life before. the midwest will never be the same for me. my home is truly there no longer. there needs to be some mourning with that.

my life here feels so completely surreal. i am experiencing culture shock again, but this time, in the best way possible. though i do expect it to collapse at any moment. maybe that's what this thing is in my chest-fear. having fully committed to something, thereby eliminating a great deal of other options, i fear what i'm committing to will fall through. it is my fear of being trapped with nowhere to go.

i have emotional claustrophobia.