it's interesting how much one's heart and mind can go back and forth between two polar opposites. wanting, one moment, to run as far away as possible and the next, unable to imagine being elsewhere. how in the world do you discern what you really want/need when what you want, you just can't have? so in fear of never getting even close, running away seems to be the better option. why hold on? why not just forget and live, throwing oneself hopelessly into the present because there is no better place to live. and yet one can't help but hope. don't we all? we hope for something greater than ourselves, or possibly despair, depending on your personality and belief.

I've become much more content in my present for many reasons, largely the work of a Hand much larger than my own. but there is still this nagging, this longing that reminds me that this isn't quite where I want to be. and I wonder how much of that is me adjusting. and how much of that is a call to something else. I wonder how much of that would go away if I just stayed here- or anywhere for longer than 12 months.

that's the problem with my personality. I love a challenge and I'll adapt to anything and I love how going through the process of adapting always, without fail, makes me a stronger person, more comfortable in my own skin. It seems that I could belong just about anywhere. I know it's not true. the last nine months have shown me that. it's a lesson He's had to teach me repeatedly. but my skeptic self can't help but wonder, if He really has somewhere specific He wants me or if just anywhere will do. because if just anywhere will do then let's give up this silly search and settle into life and live in the present. forget that hope, that longing and throw oneself into now. because I love the now and really despise this thing that hangs in the back of my mind.

but if He does have somewhere that He wants me, then I guess I can't give up the wandering, the searching quite yet. only the next few months will tell as I have begun yet again to seek where He wants me. and if it must be away from my home, my hope, my heart; then I pray it won't be long. or that He says good riddance to that ridiculous nagging in the back of my heart and mind.

i've found a job opening....
and it seems to be a combination of everything that i know and love--
youth, outdoors, arts, urban culture, helping others.

yet i hesitate to write this cover letter.
b.c i know if i write the right things, i could really get this job.
and i'm not quite sure that i'm ready to commit to that.

it's funny how once you find what you really want, you become afraid to commit to it. or at least i do.

i have a feeling i'll be the same way when it comes to getting married--if i ever get married. it's kind of been moved lower on the list. it's not exactly of high priority on people's lists out here and the longer you spend out here, the more that makes you just think, oh i guess it can be put off. where in the midwest everybody freaks out by the time they're 25 if they don't have a significant other b.c if it hasn't happened yet well then by golly its never going to happen. and maybe it won't. but that's as much in God's hands as everything else in my life.

but i will write that cover letter by Sept. 7: the deadline. and you know what? i probably won't even get an interview for the job. and all of this fretting will have been for naught.

you know you're poor when....
you get excited about babysitting for rich people so you can eat their food :)
you get excited about the extra cash so you can buy things like air freshners and pesto and mouthwash and an acid free glue stick.

monday, first day of school: cloudy, dreary skies. rain. cool winds blowing.
tuesday & wednesday: the same.
it was as if the universe knew that school had begun. and breathed a sigh of relief. and while the weather has warmed again, the wind whispers with the taste of autumn on its lips. and i love it.

there is something about autumn that draws me in more than any other season. it's as if i've been holding my breath all summer long waiting, waiting for the taste of autumn. and i didn't realize it until yesterday when i finally let it go. perhaps because it signals the beginning of school: something i have always secretly relished. or perhaps because it brings the bittersweetness of memories wrapped in its breezes. memories of the waning busyness of camp, the time to treasure its beauty and freedom after a summer of sprinting, the comfort of friendships grounded in renewal and coffee. it is the air of experience, of knowing what has already been and foreseeing what will shortly come, that causes that tangible sigh of relief. Summer and winter, they feel as if they will never end when you are in their midst, stretching on interminably, fooling you into thinking they will never leave. Spring promises great new things in its youthful vigor. But autumn, autumn says i already know, there is no rush. grab that extra layer and take time to process, to learn from what i already know--that all good things come with experience.

it makes me wonder when the next time will come that i should experience such a feeling--that all good things come with experience. when i should be in a place long enough to be able to say, here let me show you what to do. i feel comfortable here and you don't. let me extend some grace. when i won't have to be at the mercy of others. do you know how tired i am of being at the mercy of others?
others' whims. others' standards. others' failures.
always picking up the pieces. making the most of what i've been given. scraping by.

when is it going to be my turn? when will i be somewhere that i feel at peace with? will i ever stop longing for places i've already been? people i've already loved?
will life ever hold a rhythm that i can enjoy? that i can settle into?

God are you done with me yet?

decisions must be made
a line drawn in the sand
because of a simple insurance card
funny how little things like that force you to nail things down

....at least for now.

i continue to wade through my life: my desires, my needs, my pasts, my futures, my hurts, my joys. trying to find the pattern, the string that holds them all together. correction: i know the string--that's God. i guess it's more trying to find what i should keep adding to the string. its like different interests, places, and people are different colors and types of beads. as i've gone through life, different colors were more prominent, repeated from daily use more than significance or outstanding capability. and then there are those types of beads that have changed colors but remained constant.
the colors would be: school (x12), music, theater, art(x3), theater, school (x4) , art (x4), camp, praise/ministry teams, youth service, camp, travels, student government, graphic design, camp, travels, graphic design, camp, youth service, customer service, graphic design, youth service
the most prominent shapes in order from most frequent to least would be: learning, creativity, service, leadership, adventure
so what bead do i add next? what color?

my friend handed me a book yesterday and mentioned something along the lines of this would be a good light read for you. she always does this handing me the ones with the cover from the eighties or the pinkest girliest font. this one was called 'altar call'.
now i don't read chick porn--i gave up that stuff a long time ago when i realized what unrealistic expectations it places on relationships and i don't read christian feel good novels--again sets up expectations/cookie cutter answers to God. plus i tend to live a bit too vicariously through novels--how else do you think i survived junior high?!?
but i always read the ones that she hands me...mostly out of curiousity and a little bit of indulgence. indulgence of something that lies buried deep inside of me.
funny that this one should be about a girl in her late twenties who gives herself a makeover by moving to a new place and ends up realizing her heart was really back at home. i've been seeing this theme reoccuring in a lot of things that have come across my path recently. but that's beside the point.
i still walk away at the end of the novel with two completely contradictory ideas--it happens with any chick flick-ish thing. it doesn't happen like that in real life--people don't always work things out and its hardly ever that clear. you don't always get your happy ending....but then why does my heart break at this-every time?
a man isn't going to chase after you. besides the last time it didn't work out so well.
but i still want someone to.
you are supposed to be strong and independent-not controlled by your emotion.
but i want to fall in love.
guard your heart; don't let anyone determine your life for you-absolute freedom.
if people aren't my life, then what is?

logic vs love

any wonder i'm confused?

calculations

what's the difference between worry and being responsible?

for example: now that i don't have a second job and i just collected that last pay check, i currently have a very set income. an income, mind you, that realistically, doesn't even leave me enough room to tithe. (not that i have been very good at that before this. what can i say? i like my money. and besides, is not what I'm doing a MAJOR gift of my time and talents already?? isn't that enough!? but that's another tangent.) i do have some cushion room because i did work my ass off for 6 months. but me, i'm a goal setter. especially with money. i see that i have approx. 2500 in my bank account. i have 4 months left. i think i can live on what i make each month, if i don't tithe. i would love to walk away with at least 2000 in my bank account in december. That's what would be left if i tithe out of my savings. if i don't have any emergencies/tickets/you name it. so realistically that leaves me with $60/wk. if i tithe out of my actual pay check, its only $40/wk (after the bills). not sure that's possible to live on. anyways, you get the point.

this is what my brain has been spending much of its energy on in the last week or so. and quite realistically will for the next 4 months. i'm not really worried about it...yet. right now its still a game, a challenge. and i still have the security of that extra money in my bank account. so if i do mess up aka get a ticket (very realistic), have my car break down (which my parents will probably pay for but another realistic possiblity), go to the doctor, break something, have to buy art supplies, overspend with friends, the list goes on, i will have money for it.

no matter what i sure spend a lot of time calculating.
at what point does the calculating cross the line from being responsible to worry?

i've spent a lot of time from December to June calculating. calculating money, calculating jobs, calculating plans, calculating time, even calculating my heart. and none of it got me anywhere. do you hear me? ANYWHERE. no amount of thinking, planning, or calculating answered any of my questions. it didn't leave me with more peace-it left me with less. it didn't give me more answers, it gave me more questions. it didn't open doors; it actually slammed them in my face. and while i sought after God in all of it, i sought after Him with my plans in mind, asking Him to confirm my ideas. and He laughed at me, not in ridicule or spite, but with a jolly chuckle, shaking His head in amusement at my scurrying attempts to help Him in His work in my life. Such feeble attempts they were in comparison to His incomprehensible hands, no wonder I felt frustrated. Only once I threw up my hands, my entire body, in utter defeat could He pick me up, wipe the tears from my eyes, and begin drawing my picture for me.

hm. so maybe i should stop calculating.

i hate tolls.
why in the world should i have to pay to cross a darn bridge--$8 nonetheless.
bah.
all i have to do is drive around long enough and i'll end up paying for the privilege of driving whether i wanted to or not.
bah humbug.