it's interesting how much one's heart and mind can go back and forth between two polar opposites. wanting, one moment, to run as far away as possible and the next, unable to imagine being elsewhere. how in the world do you discern what you really want/need when what you want, you just can't have? so in fear of never getting even close, running away seems to be the better option. why hold on? why not just forget and live, throwing oneself hopelessly into the present because there is no better place to live. and yet one can't help but hope. don't we all? we hope for something greater than ourselves, or possibly despair, depending on your personality and belief.

I've become much more content in my present for many reasons, largely the work of a Hand much larger than my own. but there is still this nagging, this longing that reminds me that this isn't quite where I want to be. and I wonder how much of that is me adjusting. and how much of that is a call to something else. I wonder how much of that would go away if I just stayed here- or anywhere for longer than 12 months.

that's the problem with my personality. I love a challenge and I'll adapt to anything and I love how going through the process of adapting always, without fail, makes me a stronger person, more comfortable in my own skin. It seems that I could belong just about anywhere. I know it's not true. the last nine months have shown me that. it's a lesson He's had to teach me repeatedly. but my skeptic self can't help but wonder, if He really has somewhere specific He wants me or if just anywhere will do. because if just anywhere will do then let's give up this silly search and settle into life and live in the present. forget that hope, that longing and throw oneself into now. because I love the now and really despise this thing that hangs in the back of my mind.

but if He does have somewhere that He wants me, then I guess I can't give up the wandering, the searching quite yet. only the next few months will tell as I have begun yet again to seek where He wants me. and if it must be away from my home, my hope, my heart; then I pray it won't be long. or that He says good riddance to that ridiculous nagging in the back of my heart and mind.