100th blog

this folks, is my 100th blog. i can't decide if that's a good thing--or a bad thing. i've never been able to decide if being a dedicated blogger is a good thing or a bad thing. i find it strange that i feel compelled to post my musings about life for the rest of the world to see, not that the rest of the world actually takes notice which is probably for the best. i can't believe i actually follow through; that, in and of itself, is a mystery. i have a love/hate relationship with this thing called the internet and the information age it has spawned. i love that i, the ever curious intellectual, can figure out just about anything i want to but i hate that i am inunadated by choices that i know i can't possibly choose from and that i waste so much time narrowing it down or even just playing around. and in this world where words mean very little, a book even less, and anyone can have ten minutes of fame, i can't believe that i persist in adding to the flood.
and yet i do.
for what reason, only God knows.

so here i go again...
i really need to investigate better conjunctions. i tend to overuse them.

i am increasingly struck by the absolute conundrum of my situation, particularly following Sundays. every Sunday brings about a whole day of hanging out with a group of people that i just never expected to come into my life. and so quickly. a group of people in various walks of life who make an effort to meet with each other, not just for church but for anything. the community is absolutely astounding. while Christ is the core, the glue that binds it together, it draws people quite literally from all walks of life. i am encountering, for the first time, a group of Christians that are not exclusive. a group of Christians that actually welcome strangers in such a way that it makes it almost impossible to resist. i'm sure if you were really stubborn, you could. and with this, i have begun to see why God brought me out here and ultimately, how i could end up staying here longer. they don't need me; yet i am invited to participate. refreshing.
the community is undeniable.

as i stop fighting, lay my defenses down, and actually live out here, not just survive, i can see how i fit out here, despite the cultural differences. i see the opportunities; how much i can learn; the people that i meet just in passing, each with such different stories from mine, each rich and fascinating. i see God at work. i am catching glimpses of how all of this has changed me, defined me, honed my perspective, and hating is turning into gratefulness for the direction it is pushing me. i am beginning to love where i am at again, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. and i am finding it impossible to imagine my life without this. it is becoming less and less of a blip, an accident, a freak twist of fate and more and more God at work.
funny how perspective changes with time. especially when you stop kicking and screaming.

do you sense a 'but' coming....

Michigan/Chicago/the Midwest is still my home. there are so many people i love. people i have known for years. people who have known me for years, who really know ALL of me, people who know me in a way that is impossible to know me if you have just walked into my life out here. people that i don't want to just let slip away and yet is impossible to keep close at such a distance. i don't want to be like my parents who moved and left everything behind and never looked back. my heart is still there. and my desires still reflect that culture more than the culture out here. my life is more about people than success, more about experiences than money, more about beauty than efficiency, more time and space than less, more about history and wisdom than the newest, hottest thing on the market.

but comparing the worlds, trying to figure out where i fit in, is like comparing apples to oranges--no like trying to choose between a fantastic italian cappucino with all of its rich complexities and a fresh-baked homemade chocolate chip cookie with its simple, comforting taste. each hold completely different properties and satisfies completely different parts of the palate and psyche. and really you want both. but it seems you have to choose. do you see my conundrum? both fit me for completely different reasons.
so where do i go?
what do i choose?
only God knows.