it's funny how i can 'finish' a day utterly exhausted and then give me a few hours of downtime, and i'm not tired anymore.

i spent my saturday morning in a class, and let me tell you, i love class. there is not much that energizes me more than having someone give me information. i love information. maybe because it has been a little lacking in my life as of late. i'm parched.

really i love seeing someone talk about something they are passionate about. and what i love about a classroom setting: there isn't the pressure of a direct response. i can enjoy the pure pleasure of listening and letting my mind process without having to worry about responding. i love just absorbing. i do have to say i listen with greater attentiveness than i did in college, though even then i was an avid listener. i do everything with greater intensity than i did in college. i think that's why i find life so exhausting at times. after all, someone made you take classes in college that you didn't really want to take, so you didn't pay attention. and for better or worse, i never really struggled with school. just floated by on cloud nine.

and today. oh today. today i heard someone speak with such great passion about a life changing project he has begun, not only for himself, but for ALL the students that will pass through the halls of Newark Public Schools. he may not succeed and he is willing to admit that. but he is still willing to try. that i may be so willing. he even was so bold as to declare this was a direction he felt called by God to follow--in the most humble way, mind you. it was incredible.

in the last few years, i have been on a philosophical journey of belief in the paradox of destiny/fate/predeterminism, call it what you will, should it or should it not exist. what i find incredibly refreshing about the work culture i have slowly been immersed in is that while they may not believe that God is in control, they have a drive that says there is something i am meant to do in this world and i am going to find it. even if it is 'only' tutoring these children or teaching at a particular school. with that drive comes the undeniable quality of destiny. for how can you possess such drive without a sense of purpose behind it? then again there are those driven out of guilt or a need to prove--though i seem to find less of them out here than i thought.
aside from the debate of the harm of humanitarianism on our society, the one thing they have impressed upon my soul is the absolute necessity of destiny.

i have not encountered thus far, one person out here, christian or non, who has said to me when they hear the debate of what i should do with my life, make a decision, own up to it, take control. no one tells me i just need to make up my mind and get on with my life. Not one christian has said anything about there not being one thing you're supposed to do, God just works with what we choose. you wanta know why? b.c it's impossible to live in a society in which so many basic factors are beyond your control and live in absolute ignorance of it. ie traffic. instead, again christian and non, express faith, patience, things will fall into place. how does that happen in a society that is so incredibly motivated? i don't know.

but i do have to say, that being out here and the various circumstances i have brought on myself and God has wrought has humbled my view that i am in control; that i have power to make choices; that God just works His will with what we give Him.
no.
God is in control.
and He does have a plan.
and I will follow it.
whatever form it comes in.
I will not settle for anything less.

and because of that, i cannot live in the limbo of God only controls the big things or God works with what we give Him. i have felt what it feels to fight Him and I am feeling what it feels to follow Him. i have witnessed the drive that He gives us to accomplish His will, even in those who have perverted it, yet I will follow. I will have faith.
For He is faithful.