calculations

what's the difference between worry and being responsible?

for example: now that i don't have a second job and i just collected that last pay check, i currently have a very set income. an income, mind you, that realistically, doesn't even leave me enough room to tithe. (not that i have been very good at that before this. what can i say? i like my money. and besides, is not what I'm doing a MAJOR gift of my time and talents already?? isn't that enough!? but that's another tangent.) i do have some cushion room because i did work my ass off for 6 months. but me, i'm a goal setter. especially with money. i see that i have approx. 2500 in my bank account. i have 4 months left. i think i can live on what i make each month, if i don't tithe. i would love to walk away with at least 2000 in my bank account in december. That's what would be left if i tithe out of my savings. if i don't have any emergencies/tickets/you name it. so realistically that leaves me with $60/wk. if i tithe out of my actual pay check, its only $40/wk (after the bills). not sure that's possible to live on. anyways, you get the point.

this is what my brain has been spending much of its energy on in the last week or so. and quite realistically will for the next 4 months. i'm not really worried about it...yet. right now its still a game, a challenge. and i still have the security of that extra money in my bank account. so if i do mess up aka get a ticket (very realistic), have my car break down (which my parents will probably pay for but another realistic possiblity), go to the doctor, break something, have to buy art supplies, overspend with friends, the list goes on, i will have money for it.

no matter what i sure spend a lot of time calculating.
at what point does the calculating cross the line from being responsible to worry?

i've spent a lot of time from December to June calculating. calculating money, calculating jobs, calculating plans, calculating time, even calculating my heart. and none of it got me anywhere. do you hear me? ANYWHERE. no amount of thinking, planning, or calculating answered any of my questions. it didn't leave me with more peace-it left me with less. it didn't give me more answers, it gave me more questions. it didn't open doors; it actually slammed them in my face. and while i sought after God in all of it, i sought after Him with my plans in mind, asking Him to confirm my ideas. and He laughed at me, not in ridicule or spite, but with a jolly chuckle, shaking His head in amusement at my scurrying attempts to help Him in His work in my life. Such feeble attempts they were in comparison to His incomprehensible hands, no wonder I felt frustrated. Only once I threw up my hands, my entire body, in utter defeat could He pick me up, wipe the tears from my eyes, and begin drawing my picture for me.

hm. so maybe i should stop calculating.