1500 miles later....

After
1500 miles &
3 weeks,
I'm left with a
1/2 filled gas tank
1 runny nose
2 bleary eyes &
1000 memories.

Here I stand--correction: kneel,
grateful for all that I have been given.

My life will never be the same.
Old chapters are closed with a sigh of relief.
New doors are opening.
Hope is on the horizon.

I never expected life to be thrown into such utter contrast and sharp clarity. I never expected to be so broken and so healed--cathartic. And I most definitely never expected to find home.

It's funny how we say things even when we're not really sure we mean it. I do it all the time--exaggerate, excuse, boast, bemoan. And then I kick myself because I really do like to mean what I say and say what I mean. But the more I think about what I say and who I have become, it seems to be more of a self-fulfilling prophecy, a proclamation once spoken that must come true. I recall vows I made or words I felt that I spoke rashly in the last say 5 years and then I evaluate my life and realize maybe I wasn't that far off.

Example: Last summer when introducing myself at church, I named my hometown as Lawton MI. I'm not really sure why I said it to this day and afterwards I regretted it because of the comments and jibes I received. But after these last two weeks, I realized how true it is. And I realized that's what I've been running from.

How dare I find the place I want to call home before I've lived hardly anywhere else. How dare I
settle on a relatively small town in the Midwest in one of the states with the worst economy in the nation. How dare I move in with a family after I've moved out of my own. That just couldn't be. So I ran.

If I hadn't ran, I would never have considered going back contented with the reality God has called me to. Had I not ran, I would not have returned confident in who I am a part from any job, friend, or family. Had I not ran, I would most certainly have never learned the absolute value of people. I would never have been given the unique opportunity and privilege to choose lasting relationships over adventure, success, and power, fully aware of the decision, not paralyzed by fear but empowered by grace.

If I am to say, as I have always said somewhat prophetically, that I am about people more than about a job, success, power, money, or anything else this world has to offer, then I cannot treat individuals as disposable. I cannot be this person that floats in and out of people's lives. My nature is to wedge myself into people's lives, leaving an indelible mark, even when I try not to. That was my theoretical paradigm but I have realized my theory and reality didn't match. A paradigm shift was required. 6 months ago, looking for a job, I said to myself, I can love any kid, any person anywhere. I will move wherever I please and just work with the people there for that time and then move on. Essentially, adventure and experience trumped people and relationships. I was willing to sacrifice meaningful relationship to the god of I've done this and I've been there; be jealous. So here I sit. Alone. In a place that makes me long for somewhere called home, having once again left the real relationships behind. God has had His way with me.
I am meant to be somewhere, not just float by.
I will open myself to the possibility of the long term.
I will consider quality over quantity.
I will stop trying to save the world.
I will just be me, a person who needs the support and love of a solid Christian community of all depths and ages to be the best that she can be in a simple, beautiful world uncomplicated by time, deadlines, and the race to success with wide, open spaces to breathe.

You don't realize what a good thing you had until you've lost it.