answers

I always answer. always.
whether I should or not, I always do.
God, why can't I just keep my mouth shut?

That's all I've been doing the last 6 months.
answering.
looking for answers.
running from answers.
forging my own answers.

forging.
there's a great word to describe my answers.
forgery.
I don't actually have the answers so I make up my own.
and they fail every time. but sometimes it takes awhile for them to fail--a week, a month, a few months. or rather I talk myself into my answers so well that I really do think they are the answers. until they slap me in the face. repeatedly. because after all, I can't get it the first time.

that's where I am. slapped. repeatedly. empty handed. dreams ripped out. abandoned.
who would ask for anything more?
apparently, I do.

I have nowhere to go. and yet everywhere. I have no answers and yet all of them. I know You have them, but You are strangely silent, letting me wander around, knocking on every door, following my own pursuits in utter frustration. I don't know how to do anything else.

I have been humbled.
I have been brought to the depths of utter despair, fully aware that all of my answers have brought me there. my search for adventure, excitement, experience, power, money, success, and pride. I am without any answers. I feel as if I have tried everything I know.
and found lacking.