Comfortable in my own skin

i went backpacking on the Appalacian Trail this last weekend.

2 days notice.

hardly any forethought.

just because i had told myself about a month ago:

you should look into taking a backpacking trip.

so i said yes.



the most physically challenging thing i've ever done.

carrying a backpack about a third your weight will do that to you.

and borrowing hiking boots that give you blisters only contributes.



but none of that stopped me from probably having the best experience i've had since moving out here (besides going home to michigan). i don't think i have ever felt more comfortable with myself among such a diverse group of people in such an incredibly short period of time. completely unexpected



the possible discomfort of a trip with complete strangers didn't even cross my mind until i pulled up to the lodge thursday morning. then it was, oh shit, what did i get myself into?
but after the initial awkwardness of the first day, i found a group of people who found me funny.
go figure. me-funny. my sarcasm was actually appreciated/understood. and my forgetfulness/clumsiness, a group joke, not a curse.
haven't had that in a long time.

i found a group of people who i could learn from; yet were still willing to learn. i was reminded of what it's like to be with educators. we never stop learning.

i found a group of people who took care of me. it was essential. i couldn't take care of myself. they noticed me. and did something about it. they were incredibly present.
do you know the last time someone took care of me?
the last time someone really noticed me?
noticed and did something about it?

i haven't been seen, really seen, in years.
i haven't allowed myself to be.

the last time i really let myself be seen and taken care of, it was all wrong. the privilege was taken from me by persuasion and guilt, handed over reluctantly. never given freely. i've been hesitant ever since. i hide behind responsibility, duty, everybody else's ignorance, and lies. quite honestly everyone else is just too busy to see through the facade. and even if they notice, they all too often don't have the time and/or tools to do it well.

i love to play; to discover and create. i want to be free. but life gets in the way. i long to be childlike; unassuming; space to move and just be. i shouldn't be put in a cage.

backpacking let me be just that.
the people let me be just that.
free.