you know you're poor when....
you get excited about babysitting for rich people so you can eat their food :)
you get excited about the extra cash so you can buy things like air freshners and pesto and mouthwash and an acid free glue stick.

monday, first day of school: cloudy, dreary skies. rain. cool winds blowing.
tuesday & wednesday: the same.
it was as if the universe knew that school had begun. and breathed a sigh of relief. and while the weather has warmed again, the wind whispers with the taste of autumn on its lips. and i love it.

there is something about autumn that draws me in more than any other season. it's as if i've been holding my breath all summer long waiting, waiting for the taste of autumn. and i didn't realize it until yesterday when i finally let it go. perhaps because it signals the beginning of school: something i have always secretly relished. or perhaps because it brings the bittersweetness of memories wrapped in its breezes. memories of the waning busyness of camp, the time to treasure its beauty and freedom after a summer of sprinting, the comfort of friendships grounded in renewal and coffee. it is the air of experience, of knowing what has already been and foreseeing what will shortly come, that causes that tangible sigh of relief. Summer and winter, they feel as if they will never end when you are in their midst, stretching on interminably, fooling you into thinking they will never leave. Spring promises great new things in its youthful vigor. But autumn, autumn says i already know, there is no rush. grab that extra layer and take time to process, to learn from what i already know--that all good things come with experience.

it makes me wonder when the next time will come that i should experience such a feeling--that all good things come with experience. when i should be in a place long enough to be able to say, here let me show you what to do. i feel comfortable here and you don't. let me extend some grace. when i won't have to be at the mercy of others. do you know how tired i am of being at the mercy of others?
others' whims. others' standards. others' failures.
always picking up the pieces. making the most of what i've been given. scraping by.

when is it going to be my turn? when will i be somewhere that i feel at peace with? will i ever stop longing for places i've already been? people i've already loved?
will life ever hold a rhythm that i can enjoy? that i can settle into?

God are you done with me yet?